I'm new and I'd like to talk

[Visterra]

Hi I'm new here and new to this website I have been experiencing feelings of sadness and disappointed because my Father was cheating on my Mum online with multiple women, it made me angry, sad and confused. I struggle to relate to him anymore. I wish to have a relationship with him which I have tried many times but gave up as he repeatedly broke my trust on many occasions. I have seen the messages he'd send to the girls and left me crying saying he didn't know as to what I was talking about. I don't know what to do if I either want a relationship with him or for him to stay out of my life. It's been hard to cope with the fact that my Father has changed alot and its very hard to accept the fact that he'll never be the same. Any advice as to what I should do?

[geoff]

Hello Visterra, can I offer a warm welcome to the forums.

For your father to do something like this is shocking and what it means is that he has broken the trust he has entrenched within from a child and because he has hidden this from your family you must wonder what else he has also kept a secret.

It wouldn't be easy to keep a relationship with him because you're not sure how he feels about your mum or whether he still says he loves her or if he is only pretending but you can't help but feeling very angry about what he is doing.

Your mum would be devastated and would whether it's your job to tell her or let it rest, however, if their marriage has been unstable and not getting on then perhaps you could mention it to her, knowing what consequences may lay ahead.

I can't say what you should do, I can only suggest that it would be very difficult to know what else he says is truthful or not.

I know how upsetting this must be for you and also can I suggest that you see your doctor, who may refer you onto a psychologist under the 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 to Medicare rebates for up to 10 sessions per year.

I'm really sorry this has happened and hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Visterra

Welcome! I'm glad you've come here to a place where you can freely express yourself in regard to dealing with such an incredible challenge.

A relationship can definitely be impacted by how we relate to another person as well as how we relate to our self. Another way of phrasing this is '...how we identify with another person is influenced by how we identify our self'. Eg: I am a loyal and trustworthy person deserving of consideration, therefor I find it difficult to identify with someone who does not acknowledge the importance of trust and consideration'.

By the way, we can have some pretty stubborn mental programs in our head relating to parents, especially when our parents planted them there in the first place. There can be the 'Respect me no matter what' program and the 'You never turn your back on a family member' program for example. Some of our mental programs are going to perhaps seem a little irrelevant or outdated as we progress through life and we'll typically be able to spot these by asking one important question: 'WHO DO I WANT TO BE?'

When reassessing our identity, it's important to make sure none of our mental programs conflict (otherwise there's going to be a war in our head). 'I am someone who wants a relationship with my father' vs 'I am someone who doesn't want a relationship with my father' are the type of conflicting thoughts which create a war of sorts. Conflicting thoughts can definitely create confusion and exhaustion. Sometimes, to put an end to such a war, compromise may offer a solution: 'I am someone who will have a modified relationship with my father where I will dictate certain terms of the relationship, to involve trust and reliability (2 things I strongly identify with).' It's tough when our parents have been setting the standards for years, to begin setting standards for them.

So, here's that question again, 'Who do I want to be?' Some suggestions:

• I am someone who no longer wishes to identify with my father, for a number of reasons
• I am someone who is open to compromise, in reforming my relationship with my father (based on certain conditions)
• I am someone who...

I've left the last one open so that you can consciously decide who you want to be, without any influence. Of course (as Geoff touched on), if you want to be someone who seeks professional guidance, this could be a resource in helping you positively reassess the relationship with your dad.

Take care Visterra