I'm immature

Sign_up_Sign_up_for_the_o · ‎04-10-2018

I have always acted immature, it drives away friends and family. Mostly this just consists of me making really bad, unfunny jokes or comments that frankly, just annoy people. I do it frequently, so much so that the majority of my part of any conversation consists of such jokes. I struggle to make normal conversation with people, and when I try to I am often suck for something to talk about, I am dull and boring, I have no real interest outside of video games, the type of games I like none of my friends like, I go to uni and am studying politics and right of centre so no friends here. Sometimes I do try to make normal conversation with people, but they always take it under the context of me been stupid, and NEVER take anything I say seriously. None of my friends are really my own, after I moved highschool (Im 21) one teacher basically said "This guy will show you around", and he played games too, so basically I just stuck with him despite that we don't really share common interests.We both went to different Uni's and I moved away to the city and now only talk to him online, my only other friends are actually his "friends" from uni, and I never really actually have anything to do with them if he is not online. I really just want to have normal conversations with people, and have them regard me as someone they actually want to be friends with. I have also never had a GF, nor ever even kissed a girl, I did try to get into a relationship a couple of times, but I came of really creepy. While i'm on the point, I actually now try to avoid women so that don't feel as if i'm some sort of predator, and if ever I feel attracted to a woman I feel utterly disgusted in myself for being such a pervert.

therising · ‎04-10-2018

Hi Sign

A big warm welcome to you!

Doesn't seem fair how some people are natural born 'social butterflies', happily flitting around all over the place without a care, and some (myself included) struggle a little in making a connection with others. When it comes to social coping mechanisms, sounds like the humor aspect is your thing. For me, it's listening and observing. When I'm in a new group of people and trying to find my comfort zone, I listen and observe, more than I talk. Yes, I've had many people say to me over the years 'Gee, you don't talk much!' I've also been accused of being boring but the truth remains 'I am attentive!'

I have found that there are multiple benefits to being an engaged listener and observer:

You're not pressuring yourself when it comes to forcing conversation.
You can gain greater understanding behind what people can be saying. For example, if someone says 'I'm having the worst week; my boss is putting pressure on me, my kids drive me nuts and my spouse expects me to be emotionally available 24/7', some may respond with 'Life's tough, hey?!' I may find myself saying 'Sounds like you're under a lot of pressure. Do you ever have time for yourself, where you can just relax?' The 1st response is a statement, the 2nd response involves a question, leading them to talk more.
By observing, I may find little things that others can relate to. If the person beside me is obviously loving the meal they're eating, I might say 'How beautiful is this food?! Do you know of any other places where the food is this great?'

With the listening and observing examples above, both of them involve a lead in; in other words, I ask questions that lead them into doing most of the talking. I listen some more and look for cues in their response, for me to respond to. The bonus with this is that you become known as 'A really caring person'. People feel like you're invested in them. The truth is, I do become invested. Yep, that's my thing - I wait for cues from other people. I let them do a lot of the work when it comes to conversation.

I know it sounds simple but any healthy relationship involves the ability to relate. Whilst most can relate to a joke or 2, many may not be able to relate to continuous joking. It can't hurt to have a think about the folk around you and imagine different ways in how you would be able to relate to them and have them relate to you.

Take care of yourself on your quest for new relationships

Dyfri · ‎04-10-2018

Hey There,

Those are some hard thoughts to deal with, I've been in a very similar mindset myself. I too moved schools, stuck with the group of kids that first showed me around and am now most of my friends are their uni friends. I can also relate to being in politics classes and feeling uncomfortable given I'm not exactly left leaning either. I also feel you going into uni having never experienced a relationship.

My point is you're not the only one dude, you just don't run into similar people because they don't reach out, so it's good that you are trying to. I got through it, so trust me it's possible to feel better about yourself. I think the two ideas that helped me were: 1. What you think of yourself isn't what others see, and 2. Social skills can be learn't, it just takes practice.

Here are some of the actions that helped me. I get they might not be helpful in your situation, but then again maybe they will:

1. Get a referral from a GP to see a psychologist. Seeing a psych can help develop one-on-one communication skills and they also are trained to help you be more pragmatic about your thinking.

2. Go to uni and just talk to people, like the guy above said try to relate in some way. You don't have to be interesting, just ask their name and move on to what they do for work or something. Treat it as practising your conversation skills, see how long you can keep it going. Best case scenario you make a friend, worst case it's awkward and you talk to someone else.

3. Put yourself in uncomfortable situations, when you're ready. Join a club at uni, join a discord community, volunteer or just make an excuse to go out, even if it's by yourself. It may seem scary at first, but again it's just getting used to being social, treat it like a skill in an RPG.

4. If you want to date, download a dating app and just start making connections. It might be 1 in 1000 that actually goes a date with you, but hey it's practice talking to women. Took me about 5 dates over a year to be comfortable with it but now I'm in a happy relationship, and yes having a partner to talk to changes a lot. You're not a creep, I felt that too but in the end that's just a negative thought.

You seem like you're able to be introspective and thoughtful, those are likeable qualities. I get it's hard to push past your self-criticism, but when you do you'll look back and see it was never true. Hope you get through man, you're young and have so much time to learn to like yourself.

Dyfri