I just opened up notepad and started writing

[firstname_lastname]

i feel like im scared to lose her but only when she wants to end it and im not happy with her when im with her because she bosses me around and i never have my say but its not her fault because i never say anything it just my problem, i also like to think i have a problem so people will care about me and i dont like her because shes put on weight and i feel like a bad person because i think that way and now im just saying im a bad person so people will care about me and im only writing this part because i want someone to read it and sympathise with me. i want everyone to like me even though im a very judgmental person and i aslo lie alot to try and make myself feel good and look perfect in other peoples eyes. i think i am a fake, everytime i say something bad about myself i think it is just so someone will care for me. I expect her to be perfect even though im not. I don't think i have anything wrong with me because i just make this stuff up in my head so people will care. I am the biggest coward anyone wil ever meet i can bully people when im in a group but on my own id be scared and run i could never stick up for myself verbally or physically, I think im better than everyone else. i dont feel any emotion to anything im just cold. Im generally an upbeat person but once something goes slightly negative i just crumble into a pile of shit. I hate the word love i think is so cringy im sweating so much while writing this. I know people will read this and think i have a problem but i don't im just a bad person. I keep thinking about posting this somewher but it would only be for attention anyway. oh well screw it

[smallwolf]

Hey! Hello and welcome to beyond blue.

I hope you don't mind my style of replying by asking questions and replying to parts of your post.

I do not think you are a bad person. You call yourself "judgmental" and "fake" and "cold". Is it possible you just have a negative view of yourself? And somehow and by writing here you are looking for ways to turn that around? I also do not think you are writing this for attention. You have identified some issues in yourself that you want to address. Nothing wrong with that is there?

One question in a questionnaire I fill out at the psych's place, asks whether my love relationships are complete. You said that you say bad thing about yourself so that someone will care for you.

Some rhetorical question(s) - how long has this been going on for? Have you considered the K10 test which is a small test that provides you with a recommendation at the end.

I notice you said that you "expect her to be perfect even though im not". Do you have high expectations of yourself? Levels that you cannot reach? Perfectionism in yourself? You try to be perfect yet fail, and you know you fail.

And when you said "once something goes slightly negative i just crumble into a pile of shit", is that crumbling, panic, worry, frustration, anger or ???

The lies you say you tell, are they a blaming other type thing or ???

A little about me. I am just another user on the forum with depression and anxiety. I have issues with perfectionism and certainty. I am not a professional. I see a psychiatrist and psychologist on a regular basis. Some of the questions I asked above are things about myself, that I might see in your post. I could be wrong. And if I am, perhaps you might correct me, and we can continue to chat. The forum is full of helpful and supportive people. Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

Tim