I have nothing to hide, so here we go...

[Rachael]

I'm only three days into taking my antidepressants. I'm taking an SNRI each day, and I feel horrible. No energy, no motivation. I'm throwing up, I have headaches, my entire body is sore. I'm only 16, so I've had to take the past 3 days off of school because I just can't concentrate, and also my school counsellour recommended it. I know the effects of anti-depressants take weeks to kick in, but I don't know what to do until then.

I don't live with either of my parents. My mother never really wanted anything to do with me, so I was raised by my father. However when I was around 7 or 8, I was 'molested' by him. And it took me until about a month ago to tell someone, and that was my guidance counsellour. I don't know what took me so long to tell someone, but I felt better for doing it. I moved out, and about a week ago it all kind of started hitting me at once I guess. I cry every day now, and I'm no longer the person I used to be. I live with my aunt and her boyfriend, and they are constantly trying to suggest activities for me to do to try and lift my mood. Sports, clubs, going out. But I reject them all, because none of them interest me anymore. I have zero motivation to do anything really. These pills are making me feel even less motivated as well. Ehh 😞

My school work is being affected too. I haven't been able to concentrate or understand much of my work for a while now, but I assume that my aunt and teachers think it's because I'm the 'typical teenager' who doesn't want to work. But it's not that. As soon as I read my work, I forget it instantly. I'm in my second last year of school, so I can't afford to fail now.

A couple months ago I was self harming, and smoking. I've stopped both because I realise neither are going to help me. I've been having suicidal thoughts for quite a while now too. I've told my 2 counsellours and my doctors. I've gone into much detail with my thoughts, such as when and where, how... but the thing that stops me every time is my aunty, I would never be able to do that to her.,, I guess what I'm asking for is help. I'm on medication yes, but I just need help. My mind is all cloudy and confused,  

[Jo3]

Rachel,

Anytime you need to chat, rant and rave, cry, scream, whatever - just come on here and we'll listen and help you.

I commend you for being so brave and strong in dealing with this.  I'm sending you all my love and hugs and support.

Stay strong, you can do this.

Jo xx

[Neil_1]

Hi Rachael  

You know you’ve got the support here … and yes, I consider this to be a kind of wonderful community and an extendable family in a way, only this is a family where everyone is supportive.  

Yes a good idea to put it off during the season of Festivus (for any Seinfeld fans out there);  but once the aluminium pole comes down and is put away for another year, get onto this Rachael;  early January.  But hey, no pressure.  (insert winky smile)

Cheers  

Neil

[rachaelx]

I've putted off replying for months, I'm not sure why. 

im feeling relatively better, and I'm off my meds. I ended up moving back in with my mother, and it's much better being around family. When I'm alone is when my bad thoughts return, so I try avoiding that. I started self harming again for a while, as that was my release. 

As my schoolwork was immensely affected last year, I decided to re-do year 11. I'm doing 20 times better, even getting too marks in my classes. I'm happy with that. 

My fathers new partner and I still communicate, and she's even gone to the trouble of setting a room up for me at their new house. I don't think she understands fully what's occurred though, and I don't understand why my father hasn't told her the truth, and that I won't ever come back. He gave me his phone number through his girlfriend, so I contemplated making the dreaded phone call, but I decided against it. 

i even went through considering my chances of being able to take my baby sister, and if that was even possible, as I don't want her in that sort of environment... 

sorry for taking over 6 months to respond, I just needed a break. I'm in a much better headspace now I think. 

[rachaelx]

Um well I've began to have the bad feelings again.. I just feel dirty and worthless.. It's gotten to the point where guys only use me, and I let them because I don't feel important enough to try and claim that I'm better. I feel hopeless. All the males in my life, including my father, seem to only want me for my body. It use to hurt, now I just feel numb to it.

[dougall]

Hi rachaelx just thought I would let you know I have read your post and I have experienced what you are going through.  What about the females in your life?  I really don't know what to say my heart is going out to you and I wanted you to know that.  You are not worthless or dirty and getting your self worth back is a day to day thing.

[taylormade]

Good for you for recognizing and working on your issues. Things don't get better over night but they will get better. Your experiences are hard ones. Don't minimize them yet, beware of being swallowed up in drama. Many have been "victimized" in life but that does not mean we have to be "victimes" forever in our minds. Take one day at a time. Educate yourself on all things pertaining to you..the abuse, the meds, help, solutions...everything. This will help you feel more empowered.