I have nothing to hide, so here we go...

[Rachael]

I'm only three days into taking my antidepressants. I'm taking an SNRI each day, and I feel horrible. No energy, no motivation. I'm throwing up, I have headaches, my entire body is sore. I'm only 16, so I've had to take the past 3 days off of school because I just can't concentrate, and also my school counsellour recommended it. I know the effects of anti-depressants take weeks to kick in, but I don't know what to do until then.

I don't live with either of my parents. My mother never really wanted anything to do with me, so I was raised by my father. However when I was around 7 or 8, I was 'molested' by him. And it took me until about a month ago to tell someone, and that was my guidance counsellour. I don't know what took me so long to tell someone, but I felt better for doing it. I moved out, and about a week ago it all kind of started hitting me at once I guess. I cry every day now, and I'm no longer the person I used to be. I live with my aunt and her boyfriend, and they are constantly trying to suggest activities for me to do to try and lift my mood. Sports, clubs, going out. But I reject them all, because none of them interest me anymore. I have zero motivation to do anything really. These pills are making me feel even less motivated as well. Ehh 😞

My school work is being affected too. I haven't been able to concentrate or understand much of my work for a while now, but I assume that my aunt and teachers think it's because I'm the 'typical teenager' who doesn't want to work. But it's not that. As soon as I read my work, I forget it instantly. I'm in my second last year of school, so I can't afford to fail now.

A couple months ago I was self harming, and smoking. I've stopped both because I realise neither are going to help me. I've been having suicidal thoughts for quite a while now too. I've told my 2 counsellours and my doctors. I've gone into much detail with my thoughts, such as when and where, how... but the thing that stops me every time is my aunty, I would never be able to do that to her.,, I guess what I'm asking for is help. I'm on medication yes, but I just need help. My mind is all cloudy and confused,  

[vip]

Hi Rachael you poor girl what an awful lot of stuff here you have to deal with mentally emotionally and physically. Thank goodness you have your aunty thats the main person here in your life to give you the love and support you need at such a young age. Take up your aunties suggestion and join a club or even join a gym exercise is a great release when you suffer with depression and does help with the motivation to do things. Maybe even ring up friends go to the movies enjoy those teenage years they are so precious. You sound like you have really had to grow up quick so you are doing all the steps to recover just take it slow its obviously not going to get better straight away but you will get there in time. Hope this helps and hope you start feeling better soon . Take care

[geoff]

dear Rachael, hell what a terrible way to start your life, and because your only 16 I can't be too emotionally empathic towards you, but by saying that, you know how I feel, without actually saying it.

I always say this and always will, but for physical abuse and emotional abuse I detest so much, and you were only 7, but the law regarding this has to be changed drastically.

Firstly I think that you should go back to your doctor who may either change medication or reduce the dosage, although it is possible that some people suffer more than others, because their constitution won't accept this particular medication, even so, it's an awful feeling.

What I would do is click onto 'resources' at the top and get BB to send you out all the print material, it's free, and this for your auntie to read, and although she has been good for you, she needs to understand what depression can do to somebody, which then brings me to depression needs to be discussed as a topic at school, as it's a prevalent illness that affects so many people in life, this may then reduce the taboo.

I often do this to young kids as it's a way of how I show my feelings ------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

Your auntie is a saint, as she loves you and you love her, so this bond is terrific and something you desperately need, so please order that information.

You have a couple of things to do and I hope that you can reply back to us. Take care. Geoff. x

[CassieEmily]

Hi Rachael,

 I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, it must be so hard! I also recently started on antidepressants, but I'm on an SSRI. I started about 3 weeks ago, and at first I just felt sick the whole time and couldn't sleep. Luckily that stopped after about a week. They still haven't kicked in for me yet, but at least I'm not getting as many side effects now. Hold onto hope! I know it's really awful now, but they will start working eventually. For some people it happens quite quickly. One of my friends started feeling much better after only 2 weeks!

Have you told any friends about your situation? I sometimes find it easier to talk to friends than family. I've told some friends, and it's so wonderful to have them there to talk to, or even just when you need someone to sit with in silence. I've been crying most nights this week, but my friends have been so good in looking after me. If you can bring yourself to tell a few friends, I'd do that. That way, you'll always have someone to call if you need to talk, no matter what time of day it is.

I'm sorry, I'm only 18 and I was only diagnosed with depression a few months ago, so I don't really have that much experience. My only other advice would be to set yourself some sort of goal outside of school. I'm a first year uni student, and I'd been been really focusing on study, so when I started having difficulty concentrating on my work, I was getting really frustrated at myself for not being able to focus. That only made it worse, because I was even more distracted. I recently set myself an exercise goal, I'm running at least 4 days a week. It just gives me something to do other than worry about study, and now I find it easier to focus when I actually do sit down to study. Maybe you could start going for walks, or reading a book, really anything that isn't related to school. School is important, but your health is absolutely more important. I can't guarantee that it will work for you, but I've definitely found it easier to focus on study since I've started doing exercise. Focus on your health first, the school work will follow. Don't feel bad about having no motivation, it's not your fault at all!

I wish there was something I could do to help. I really hope it gets easier for you, you don't deserve to be having such a hard time!

Hold onto hope, lovely. Take care! xx

[Rachael]

Hi,

I know joining a club or gym would be good for me, but I am far from motivated, and I don't think I would have the motivation to continue. But it's definitely something I'd look into. I have had to grow up quickly, and living without either of my parents is hard, but I've lasted this long, so I guess I just have to keep going. Part of me wants all the drama to be over, but at the same time I want my father to be punished for it. I'm not the first person he's done it to, so I think something needs to be done. But that means more suffering and I don't think I want to have to relive those moments again. I don't know 😕

My aunty is wonderful. I know I wouldn't of made it this far without her. All this stuff is extremely hard on her too, it's her brother. I feel bad for breaking their bond. I guess I'm just so confused about everything. I'm trying to deal with all this, and at the same time focus on my schooling, It's difficult. But I will get that information, it sounds like a good idea.

CassieEmily, wow! You sound like you're going through a difficult time too. I have told a few close friends, about the entire situation, but as high school students like to do, one of them has went and told someone else, and things like that travel pretty fast. And it's being used against me on another social networking site. Shows how low people will go to hurt you hey? Yes I do read. I read alot actually. It helps take my mind off of everything for a short while. I'm curious though, what side effects are you getting now? Mine are really stupid, I've even started to grind my teeth, which has only started happening since I've been on the medication.

But thankyou everyone. Talking to other people who are also going through hard times makes me feel not so alone. x

[CassieEmily]

Hi again,

I'm so sorry to hear that people are talking about your situation, that must be making it so much harder 😞 

The only side effect I'm getting at the moment is a dry mouth, so I'm just trying to drink a lot of water. I'm glad that reading helps you, I also find that it's a good way to get away from my thoughts for a bit. xx

[T_McGee]

Dear Rachael,

Im so sorry that you've had to go through so much already in your life. 

I think your really brave and a strong person, even tho im sure at times it dosnt feel that way...... but believe me you are,your sixteen and facing all this head on and getting help.

[rachaelx]

Thankyou T.McGee. 
It does suck, but slowly things are starting to look positively.

It has taken me a while to get back to everyone. I've been on anti depressants for about 3 weeks now. Still having the suicidal thoughts. It sucks. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

[R_]

Rachael, your courage in the face of your situation is pretty inspirational, you sound like you have a lot of character and inner strength, it shines through in your writing.

Good luck and keep fighting.

[geoff]

dear Rachael, we have been thinking of you and hoping that you were OK.

It's not an easy feat to overcome your depression with all these adversaries up against you, and that's probably why you haven't been back to us, but we are still here for you when you feel as though you want to talk. Geoff. x