i hate myself

[justarando]

i genuinely hate myself. there is not one thing i like about the way i look, what i can do or my personality. i do musical theatre, which a few years ago was something i thought would be great for confidence and since i loved singing, but it made me realise how bad i am. i cant stop comparing myself to my friends and just constantly feel worthless. when the topic of self love starts up i just want to cry because ive tried so hard to change but i cant love myself for who i am. musical theatre and singing was something i was once interested in but now hate doing but i cant quit because without it ill have no friends. plus, ive always had a difficult time making friends so ive already gone to a psychologist about it and moved schools within the past few months. i just dont know what to do but if i show any sign of doubting myself, people think im attention seeking when i cant help it. i practically now use it as sarcastic humour to hide my true feelings and how i just want to breakdown. why am i not good enough? why couldnt i have been anyone else? i just constantly feel useless, irrelevant and ugly

[Aaronsis]

Hey Julia

I am glad you had forgotten about your thread, means you were busy doing other stuff, I am sending you all my strength and hope for a better tomorrow and that something will make you smile, I am here any old time you need to vent and if not that is fine too.

Put your hand on your heart and breathe...you are beautiful and you are worth it

Big hugs to you Julia

Sarah

[justarando]

hi sarah,

i did some thinking and in conclusion, i am in a better place than last year. last year i constantly felt lonely and just in reality felt sad a lot more compared to now. however now that i moved schools and stuff im fine about all that considering i got away from whats troubling me since now i can start fresh. but it made me realise that my self esteem just significantly dropped since last year. its hard to explain but like, last year if i was doubting myself, i would question why it would be like this and why itd happen to me sort of and i wouldnt get this upset. overtime, i just realised that its just normal for me. i know its like bad to say but i dont know how else to explain it but now when i think about something its just like “well of course it happened to me. im me. i dont deserve anything good and nothing good to me will happen” i know its a bad way to think but its just a way to summarise things. and you’re probably thinking that my self esteems bad because of things that have happened in the past but i can tell it isnt. ive always been pretty self depricating but perhaps now after getting one issue away, its the main thing i focus on. this year before i moved my grades were dropping pretty significantly because of my mental health, but then once i moved, although i can tell i am happier because i know people havent already made judgements about me like it was when at my old school, my other activities are still affected. my grades still arent good and i have interests in anything compared to last year i could have told you at least like 3 things i was interested. i cant make decisions at all, and when doing auditions i compare myself so much to everyone else and just know i cant be as good that i literally started crying during my song. its probably normal for like my grades to still not be as good since im settling in, however ive literally learnt all these topics since my last school was pretty academically extended. i dont know, i guess i just want to know why i feel like this all the time.

Julia

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Julia

It is lovely to hear from you and even better to read that you genuinely feel like you are in a better place than this time last year, I was so very very happy to read that, you have been through alot and to hear you feel better, even a tiny bit is fantastic.

Self esteem is a funny old thing and i believe that it is something that changes during our lives, sometimes you feel on top of the world like you can do anything and are so worthy and othertimes like you dont deserve the dust off the floor. I can see that you have put your school issues from the past aside from your self esteem and that is so wonderful to hear, those people from the past don't get to choose how you are feeling now and even though it was very traumatic for you, they didn't know you then and they certainly don't know you know, nor do they get to say how you feel about you. You write so beautifully and are so articulate and intelligent, you should feel very proud.

I would not be too concerned just yet that you feel like you can list any interests, you have just been focusing on your mental health and getting well, that is a huge task in itself let alone trying to find things of interest. As you a feeling a little better maybe you could try one new thing, maybe like drawing or even colouring in in mindful books or even writing, you may hate it and that is fine, as you tried it, but..you might love it.

I find writing so wonderful, a massive purge and get it all out, doesn't have to be for anyone else, but what you could do is write a story, about your life, how you are coping and write the ending, the most amazing ending that you would wish for yourself...how exciting...

It is a pretty lousy day here in Melbourne so the perfect day for some colouring or writing.

massive hugs to you Julia, I am so very proud of you and so very happy to be chatting to you.

Hugs

Sarah

[justarando]

hi sarah,

thanks for giving me an understanding on what i said. as with writing and colouring, i actually have tried writing a few months ago but then did not really enjoy it-a lot of the time it made me realise how bad i felt and it didnt really help me in anyway, plus i sort of just dread writing anyway which is just a habit thing because of school i guess.

thanks for the advice though

Julia

[Aaronsis]

Hi Julia

Great to chat to you some more and I hope that you got to do something over the weekend that made you feel a little happy or put a smile on your face.

I totally get what you mean about the writing and that it does remind you of school and that is fine, it was just a suggestion that works for me and I understand it doesn't work for everyone. Another thing I do when I am feeling flat or over it is some cooking, how do you feel about that, the good thing about cooking is you can be as creative or as basic as you like, it just takes your mind of the now and you can focus on baking or cooking something, the cool thing is at the end you get to eat something yummy....

My favorite thing is baking, I love making cakes and cupcakes and I don't necessarily eat them either..ok well I do love a cup cake...but you can get all fancy and make cute icing and decorations...just a nice way to to some distraction for an hour or two. The other part of it is you do get a sense of achievement that you have done something good and that you are capable, that sometimes feels good when you are feeling low about yourself, and if you do pretty cakes it can sometimes make you feel pretty too, weird concept but it kind of works...I would love to know what you think about this?

Chat really soon Julia

Your friend Sarah

[justarando]

hi sarah

thanks for the idea, occasionally i bake but usually with my mum because for some reason i dont trust myself to make things by myself? ahah i dont know, i’m literally fifteen. but yea holidays are coming up i guess ill try and bake more but im just afraid ill wanna eat it because i dont need to gain anymore weight as its something i really struggle with. great idea though thank you

Juliab

[Aaronsis]

Hi Julia

That is really great that you do some baking and cooking with your mum, that is something really nice that you can do together. With what you said about worrying about how stuff will turn out, who cares..if you burn it or it doesn't work it really doesn't matter, afterall you would be doing it as a thing to keep your mind busy to have some relief from the noise. I get what you mean though and it can be alot.

I didn't know that you are 15, my son is 15 too, he is playing a game on the playstation atm...he moves between that and playing his drums. My daughter is at her friends house today, it is the first time all year that they have been able to catch up, now that they are in high school and go to different schools, it is so hard as you know with managing the whole friend thing, they struggle too.

Do you have any plans for the Christmas holidays? Does your family go away anywhere? We usually go camping but I am not sure we will this year. I would like to stay home and be close to my dad as it will be our first Christmas without my brother, I am starting to prepare for that....do you think it is weird if I put a candle on the table, would that freak my kids out?

Great to chat to you some more beautiful girl

Hugs to you

Sarah

[justarando]

hi sarah,

i dont think i have any plans for the christmas holidays. probably just saying at home or something. as for the candle idea, i think its great. it shouldnt really freak your kids out i dont think. well me being a similar age i would totally understand it.

Julia

[Aaronsis]

Hi Julia

Great to hear from you and I am so happy that you think that the candle idea is good and that my kids wont think it weird. I just want to do something to acknowledge that my brother is missing, even though we all know that, if that makes sense.

I think I will be pretty much hanging around home this Christmas too, we usually go camping but not really feeling like be too far away from family I think. Do you like shopping for Christmas, I love it and am kind of getting excited to buy new things for the table and kind of make it really outstandingly beautiful....a special sad kind of Christmas this year. What do you do on Christmas day?

How has your week been so far? Any plans for the weekend?

Looking forward to chatting to you.

Sarah 🙂

[justarando]

hi sarah,

your christmas sounds like itll be fun. personally, i wish i liked christmas shopping however im just so indecisive and can never tell if the person will like it hahaha. on christmas day i occasionally spend time with some of my cousins but i dont think we are going this year. since we are orthodox, we have 2 christmas’ so normal catholic christmas we will probably see one set of grandparents and then orthodox christmas see the other set and have lunch or dinner. my week has been pretty hectic to be honest, monday and tuesday i had school day off because of melbourne cup so on monday i went shopping and tuesday my friend had a picnic for her birthday. then that night i had a 5 hour rehearsal in theatre for my current musical showcase thing, same with wednesday. then thursday, friday and saturday i had/have four performances. really ready for it to be over to be honest but oh well.

what about you?

Julia