I hate myself

yesse · ‎29-05-2014

ive had depression for many years now at first due to bullying and more recently due to the loss of my mother. Over the years i have come to hate myself. Everything i do or say i regret. This might be because i failed school, blaming myself for my mother leaving me or the fact that that this depression cripples me and i know that all im doing is feeling sorry for myself and i hate it.

Either way all i want, i hope for is a connection. Id take any type of connection. Obviously id prefer one with a girl as its easier to talk about deep stuff like this rather then with "the boys", but basically why i started this thread was to ask this

How can you develop a connection when you hate yourself?

People say that to attract people you have to be confident in yourself and have the same type of energy they want to be around. Which is usually happy, enthusiastic, fun etc. And when i have my low days which outnumber the high days by far how am i suppose to give off this aura which any person would be attracted too. Obviously i use a facade like most people do with depression do with their friends and social life, but when i mean a connection im talking about a true one where your on the same page as the other person.

There is a lot more depth to my story but i dont want my whinging to bore people and take away from my initial idea of how it is possible to develop a deep connection when you dont like yourself at all.

Thanks for reading.

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I hate myself

Mares73 · ‎06-06-2014

Dear Yesse it's been a while since we caught up. I'm wondering how you are? The situation about what happened to your mum would have deeply affected you. Gaining confidence is challenging but I think if you can find a few ways of doing things out of your bubble then confuse nice start a to grow. The girl at the gym for example-if you wrote down a few ways you could try practicing yourself as confident-you will find that over time you go from pretending to be confident to actually feeling confident. For example the girl at the gym seemed to want to talk & you could of suggested coffee after training. But I know that would have been a bit overwhelming at this stage. How are you feeling in yourself? I'll keep you in my thoughts & consider non threatening ways for meeting people. It would also be great to hear back from you re how your managing? Love Mares xxx

yesse · ‎25-06-2014

pretty bad mare nothing has really changed. and what makes me hate myself even more is the fact that this entire time ive actually been in spain visiting family for over 3 months simply because i would have killed myself in australia. ive bascially been lazing around doing nothing getting everything paid for me and i still hate life and hate myself for being a spoilt little brat.

and naah that girl was gone havent seen her since and regret not talking to her.

One of my friends came from australia to spain and we went to portugal together to this party hostel, and it was basically getting drunk every night. it was heaps easy to talk to all these new people and i remember every night how all the guys would try to mac onto girls and i dont know if i was incredibly drunk or going off the vibe but i was doing it aswell i talked tooo sooo many girls and they always laughed at what i said or did.

but as all the other guys got laid as easy as just clicking their fingers nothing would ever happen to me wether it was for one reason or another it just seemed like bad luck really.

i had a really big breakdown with my friend from australia who i was travelling with and told him how i really felt about everything and now he doesnt want to travel with me because he scared of being responsible for me, and i dont blame him..

but no one has even answered me if there exists a way to make a connection when one hates themselves, because i dont think it exists.. and i dont think ill ever stop hating myself

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yesse · ‎25-06-2014

thankyou for your reply pleasebehappy

i hate myself but i dont know why.

i dont think im ugly, ive been all around the world so i would consider myself cultured, im bi-lingual, i have been an athlete at national level... but i still absoloutely loathe myself.

the thing you said about smiling, i do it every day when i wear my mask, the only people who know how i truly feel is my useless phychologist and one friend, and this is only because the mask tends to slip when im drunk and things dont go my way.

i wear this mask because as the purpose of my thread goes i dont think any deep connections can be made when one hates life and themselves.

InsipidBliss · ‎16-07-2015

'I hate myself 'would be an understatement, that been said I am well aware that having such an attitude is very unhealthy , you become very cynical, your mind seeks things to validate those negative beliefs.Hence cognitive bias.Nobody wants to be around a depressed person and I understand why..it is a rational response

I'm medicated, well versed in the science of depression/psychology , I am aware of strategies to deal with negative thoughts but I am chronically depressed, I've been to counselling for numerous topics , after the initial high, fruits of therapy sessions dry out..

The consensus is that you should have a balanced diet and exercise regularly..socialise ..find passion and chase it

So I train

I train physically very hard through martial arts and weight training to the point where I feel pain for days and bruises that don't heal for weeks.I have done weight training for 8 years and martial arts for several months. Punishment you see for I hate myself , I hate what I am ,

I have found passion in my profession but it has come at a great cost..

On paper I am very successful , I don't drink alcohol or do drugs; highly educated ,ambitious ,confident , caring , compassionate on paper I probably inspire a lot of people but truth be told I feel like a failure ,a disgrace to my mother ,an embarrassment to my family , I feel like I should have done a lot more , that my mother deserved better and that I deserve the pain & turmoil I feel everyday.

True friends are few and far between , I have met many people but few have stuck around , those that have I am forever grateful...but I do not dare tell them my troubles for I know they will disappear into the mist

My relationships with the opposite sex is non-existent, I have a natural curiosity for the human condition and a desire to build a rapport and understanding about another human being ..but after a failed relationship and I am convinced that all relationships end and start the same way,

I don't feel attractive by any stretch of the imagination , I understand very well the traits/attributes that women admire in a companion but also know that I will never measure up to such standards, I will never fit the mould and I suppose the sooner I accept it perhaps elusive happiness will find my way

MacDonald · ‎13-04-2018

Dear Yesse,

I know your post is from 4 years ago. It spoke to me so much and I feel like we are in the exact same boat. My mum is not in my life anymore either and I think her abandonment is a big part of why I feel so desperate to find a connection to someone because I want to feel like somebody cares. I am so ashamed of who I am in some respects and I feel like it is negatively affecting my life and my relationships.

I know this post is from 4 years ago and I hope for your sake that you are feeling a lot better and you like yourself because you seem like a really self aware and interesting person. It would be lovely to hear how you are going and see if you got through the other side and if you had any advice.

Best regards,

J