I Hate myself, im lonely & Positivity makes me uncomfortable

[Alec29]

Hi everyone

I have always had low self esteem since i was a young child and I always feel like im not good enough or that im stupid and worthless and I feel like a burden to others that i deserve nothing and am more trouble than im worth, I always have had a bad relationship with my dad and he was emotionally abusive (sometimes physically) and has a hard time controlling anger. I see a psychologist and we are working on my self esteem but i hate it she tries to prove to me that im not stupid and it makes me feel horrid I hate it trying to be happy and positive and to like myself make me feel very uncomfortable and when other such as my friends and psychologist say im not stupid or that i did a good job i resent them and think they are full of Bull***t and I think I like being negative it feels normal and I feel silly trying to be positive and doing all that positive self talk Erhgh it makes me feel real bad and I just find happiness and optimism in general to be irritating i know i should be positive but i cant do it and i dont deserve it, i have spent so long hating myself that i cant do anything about it and its not going to work. For years everyones been telling me to be positive but i cant do it it just isnt me. I really dont enjoy going to my psychologist appointment i just cringe the whole way through and feel bad and awkward and I dont want to feel like I do but I feel if i felt any other way it would be wrong. i also have a difficult time talking about my strengths and feel stupid if i say or think something is a strength of mine. My self esteem and general unhappiness is causing me so much trouble its stoping me doing my assignments i will sit down and try yo do them but i physically cant think of what to write and i have a mental block and spend the rest of the night crying about how dumb i am i also get angry very easily and I take it out on others and if i feel bad im mean to others and It makes me feel better and I know thats bad.

sorry for the rant I dont want to feel like this but am struggling

[SourceShield]

Hello Alec,

Firstly, you dont have to say sorry to us...here at BB, we get it.

You're absolutely right in being skeptical.

Positivity can be really annoying...especially when we we're in one of our downer-phases, and it sounds as if...you've been down for quite some time now.

But, can you at least see that your friends, and family and health professionals are just doing their best, because they care about you, and deep down they just want whats best for you, okay?.

Small comfort...but its still a comfort.

Most people, even in our modern society today, still dont get it...

They'll say - "hey just think positive" - YEH SURE LIKE WTF!!!.

Easier said, than done...but it is worth it.

Just takes some time, and practice.

Where your health is concerned, thats all on you...and no one can rush your journey.

I'm probably old enough to be your Dad, so I have had a few more years of dealing with all the crappiness...

...I now know that even after everything, all the shit that I have done and put people through...its still possible for me to learn how to not have low self-esteem.

I am stronger today.

More capable.

More confident.

Still have the down phases...but support from my friends, and loved ones really do help me through those tough days.

You're always welcome here.

MuchLove

[Nikkir]

Hi Alec29's,

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you have been going through alot and for a long time. I am sorry to hear that life has been hard and that you feel unhappy and undeserving. I agree with you about the happiness and positive part, even though I think its a good goal to work towards and some say " fake it till you make it". I think its important to honour your feelings, if you don't feel happy there must be a good reason and you can't pretend otherwise. In saying that I can feel unhappy at home then I go for a walk, get a coffee and see a few people smile at me or wave and I see the ocean and I feel better than before. It's good that you are seeing a therapist, maybe this one is not the one for you? or is it worth persevering. There are many out there. There are psychologists and also counsellors and psychotherapists and all sorts that might be better at just listening. You can always call our line on 1300 22 4636 and have a chat or get a referral. It is great that you are studying, good on you I am studying to and I too get annoyed with myself that I'm not doing enough or I wish I was more focussed but the good thing is, its better than doing nothing: ) I really wish you the best and hope you find some peace even if its just for a moment in each day. Please let us know how you are going if you can. Best Wishes NIkkir x

[gld]

Hi,

This is a great place to air feelings as there is no judgement and to release a valve before it pops could give some sort of calm.

Change takes time as it makes us feel uncomfortable because old ways make us feel comfortable as it has become habitual. Recently i have been working on some changes in my life and i feel like a fish out of water so lately i have challenged myself. When i get a thought that starts a feeling that makes me get an unwanted feeling i question it.

Accepting compliments is not always easy for everyone, " a wise person once said to me when someone gives praise nod, smile and say thank you". So i gave it a shot and now i feel good when i get a compliment because i feel when i acknowledge the other person with this response we both feel good [it took a while to feel this way].

Studying takes its toll when you have deadlines as i have recently experienced with a diploma i have just completed. I learnt to be kind to myself and set aside sometime each night to work on my study and when i got stale i put it down and did something i enjoyed and went back to it later. Sometimes i would just go and listen to some music or watch a show. It is important to give yourself good balance before you feel pressured.

Keep on chipping away at change and it will happen for when you are ready.

Gen