Introducing Myself :)))

[Playahata123]

Gday,

Ill try to make this short. Im a 21 year old male. I like my looks, my family, my lifestyle.. i hate my introverted personality and anxiety. I have few problems in my life aside from anxiety which causes alot of other problems. I am always anxious. As if there is danger all around me. My life feels like treading through an active minefield.

Tracing back in primary school I was fairly timid kid. My father is an intellectual, kind man who has never really wronged anyone ever and is successful too. My mother is the complete opposite, as children she would fly off the handle whenever it got too much. If she came home from work and my brother spilled some milk it would be the straw which broke the camels back and nobody would get any peace for 2 hours. She would yell at me in a language i didnt understand (greek) and give me really guilty looks. My mother is intense. I am in no doubt that there is nobody on this planet she couldnt take on. However the next day she would always apologise profusely and tell you how lucky she was to have us. Also when she was not going crazy she is actually a very nice person, quiet intelligent and hard working. Neither of my parent have any problems other than my mother and her ability to go ballistic.

Once in highschool I remember being bullied a bit. I had an specially hard time in year 9 when people would bully me and laugh. I never felt any anger towards these people. The worst part of it was that I saw disrespect towards me as a contagion. Like a disease if someone witnessed me being bullied, they would think that it was okay for them to then give me slack. So this was why I hated it and stayed away from the loud kids who would joke and call people names. In year 10 -12 I hid behind the cool kids who I hung out with. They organised the social events, I felt safe in the group as I felt people would respect me and couldnt bully me so id look weak. Once i left school i developed a panic attack disorder where trying not to look nervous my fight or flight would constantly trigger leaving me exausted and confused. This high level of anxiety i experiences led to me dropping out of university and since all that it has spirralled badly. Only now since starting to understand what im going through have i seen any improvement at all :(.

Damn that was longer than i wanted it to be. Anyway if anyone gets to read this your honest opinions are appreciated. 🙂

[SourceShield]

Hello there!

Its interesting that you mention 'spilling milk', and your Mum going ballistic because that was the last straw.

Believe it, or not, my brothers and I have had the EXACT same experience with Mum and spilled milk...on MANY occasion!.

My mum worked two jobs, was a closeted lesbian - nothing wrong, at all, with being a lesbian, but being closeted in the 80s, when people still weren't so accepting meant that she was never, ever happy in 'straight' relationships, therefore ALWAYS angry at the world...even her kids.

Sometimes when she would come home, and yes - one of us would spill the milk, she would go off her nut.

I too, like you, developed an intense sense of hyper-anxiety.

As we grow, if this state continues to infect ones life, it becomes normalised, in that we accept that 'this is how it is for us'...it can 'mutate' and become hyper-vigilance.

A sense of never feeling safe in the world and always looking for danger, so we can avoid it.

But, with life...there are perceived threats, everywhere!

And so, the anxiety and hyper-vigilance is still in hyper-drive!

So let me just write to you, and express that I really do get it!

Its vital that you find the right and best support - professional and personal.

Read up and do some research on the condition...knowledge is potential power, its how we use it that counts!

Remember that services like this, BeyondBlue, are here for you and me...so take advantage of that, just as you have by writing and expressing how you feel...getting all of it out like that, can help to alleviate the anxiety and put things in perspective.

Also, and this may be a tough pill to swallow but, if this is a condition that you live with then, its best to make peace with it, as best as you can, these anxious moments, as you're learning don't just go away...we need to take back some power, to become empowered, to live the life that we truly want, need, and desire.

BTW - My Mum is now a VERY happy lesbian!

And, I am very happy for her.

I believe in you.

Thanks for sharing how it is for you...if you havent already, take a look around the forums, theres some really good info here for us all.

MuchLove

[Playahata123]

Thanks alot man and thankyou for taking the time to read my story ! 🙂 i really appreciate it

[SourceShield]

You're welcome.

Anytime.

TakeCare.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Playahata123,

Just wanted to pop in and say hi and welcome! Thank you for deciding to share your story and stuff about your childhood and what it was like growing up. I hope that it felt good to share.

It sounds like you've been through a lot and it's not always easy to keep bouncing back from things, especially when life just wants to get you down sometimes. I also imagine too it must have been hard dropping out of uni. Just letting you know that we are here if you want to talk about that more. Hope that you're doing okay.

Feel free to check out and have a read of the Young People section of the website too; sometimes it's nice to have a read and know that whatever you're experiencing, you're never alone.