I feel useless and alone

Parshvi · ‎28-07-2020

Hey there,

I am an international student and I live with my aunt (and two cousins). I moved to Australia two years ago and since last year, I started seeing myself consumed with anxiety and felt like there was no one with/for me. I was very close to my mother and moving away from her was a big deal for me, but I never showed it to anymore because I didn't wanna look weak. Then gradually, I felt like I had no one.

One of my cousins (older one) drifted away and in a couple of weeks, we were complete strangers. My other cousin (younger than me) started judging me and making mean comments on literally everything I say or do. She'd be like "eww... why do you like that song?" or "that looks ugly; maybe because you don't know anything about fashion." Comments got worse and worse and she kept on making me feel bad about myself. She criticizes me 24*7, she keeps on referring me as "people" instead of a family member, she stops talking whenever I pass by, she doesn't tell me anything and whenever I try to help her, she just says "you don't know how this works!" and leaves. But, I just can't tell anyone.

Now, after almost 2 years of her taunting, I feel so insecure of myself that I can't even talk to her. I cry almost every night because I feel like no one would care if I die. Everything is worse than it looks because all everyone else see is smiles; but they are so busy laughing that they can't even see my tears. I feel alone because I have no one to talk to. No one would believe me if I said that this is happening to me because, apparently, she (my cousin) is an angel.

I am not sure if this makes sense, but I tried to put it out. And I know this doesn't feel like a big deal... I know there are worse situations than mine, but I felt like I wanted at least someone to know.

Please suggest me something. I can't live like this...

Thanks.

Sophie_M · ‎28-07-2020

Hey Parshvi, welcome to our online community and thank you for sharing what's going on for you. We're really sorry to hear what you're going through, and that you're feeling so alone, insecure and crying almost every night at the moment. We imagine it must be really hard to be constantly criticised, especially when you don't have your usual support network around like your mum. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. If at any moment you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, we strongly urge that you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). If appropriate, we also encourage you to get in contact with your mother via telephone, webchat, or webcam, so that you can be reminded of the worthy person that you are. We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

Blake_S · ‎29-07-2020

Hey Parshvi,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for letting us in about what's been going on for you. I too, am so sorry to hear about what you've been going through, it sounds like you've been experiencing a very distressing time. Please know that you are not alone, and you do not have to face your anxiety, loneliness or criticism by yourself, we are all here for you.

It saddens me to hear how your cousin has treated you, that is no way to treat anyone, and the fact that she is viewed as an angel makes it even more difficult. So please, this is a big deal, your feelings are valid and you shouldn't be treated this way. I can see that you're suffering in silence, and I'd presume this is because you feel alone and that you don't have anyone to turn to. Like Sophie_M said, reaching out to your mother and letting her know how you feel might be a first step to help you. Is this something you'd consider doing at all? I know you said you don't want to look weak, but remember, you are only human and it is understandable that you feel this way.

Thank you again for telling us your story, you are so strong to have the courage to post online. We are proud of you for doing so, it's not an easy step to take, but we are so glad you decided to take it. Please keep us updated on how you are going, we care and are here to support you.

My thoughts are with you,
Blake_S :)

InhaleExhale · ‎29-07-2020

Hi Parshvi,

You are not weak, it is very difficult moving away from your family. It sounds like you are suffering at the moment due to your cousin. Thank you for letting us know and reaching out to this community. How did it feel when you were typing your post and now when you are reading these responses?

From what you are written, it sounds like you are not in a safe environment living with your aunt and cousins. This seems to be causing you a great deal of sadness and worry. I’m not sure what culture you are from, but I am wondering if it would be possible or appropriate for you to move into other accommodation such as a share house? If you imagine what it might be like to leave your aunt’s house, what would that be like.

We’d love to hear back from you.

InhaleExhale.