i feel so useless, stupid, ugly and worthless

[whatisthispain]

I am still a little new to this website and it's really helping me out but now i just feel so worthless...

I am a young female and i still go to highschool, i have a lot of friends but i feel really distant from them, and it hurts... ugh, i feel so emotional and stupid. When i was in primary school i had a bestfriend and she is still my "friend" to this day, but she always give me the look like she doesn't want me. And when she talks to me, her voice sounds irritated like she dislikes me. Ugh... all those happy memories in primary school is just a waste to me now... and it just hurts so much to be thrown away like i was nothing to her. Yet, i still stick to her, i just don't want to be separated, she doesn't know how much i actually care. I always act happy around my "friends" so they can be happy, i laugh and smile, but i just do it so i don't cry infront of them. I hate going to highschool, i'm always having a fast heartbeat when i approach my group of friends. And there's one thing that makes me really upset, when my "best friend" talks about her problems, i try my best to comfort her... but when i do that, she just gives that look like she thinks i'm doing it for attention and she always says to "ignore it", but it's so hard, uhh... everything is so unfair. I commomly have bad days, well, atleast 2-3 every week. When i come back home i always lock myself and cry and sometimes.. I don't talk to my family about it because when i do they just ignore me... i feel stupid. I'm always scared when next year comes, every one of my friends would leave me and i'll just be standing alone. I'm always looking at the popular and pretty girls, and i hate how their lives are so perfect and they get whatever they want.

i've also got another friend, and i hang out with her more than my "bestfriend", and ever since that i've been really distant... maybe that's why she dislikes me... ugh, everything is my fault. I always get irritated at the littlest of things and i lose motivation to do homework/assignments and the things i usually like to do. I feel like everyone would be better off without me and if i vanished they would be happier... My "bestfriend" always seem to do better without me anyways.. i know no one likes me or understands me because i overthink things too much. I know i'm a mistake and i should've never existed in the first place.. ugh, everything is so painful.

anyways, this is the end of this post. sorry about talking about my stupid life. cya.

[Doolhof]

Hi Whatisthispain,

Looking back at my own days of being your age, I would say the pain you are feeling is part of life and the teenage years. It can be a tough period of life.

I had a best friend who was really close to me one day and hated me the next. It hurt like crazy. I don't know if she actually hurt as well, I never asked her. My Mum made4 a comment about her recently and told me this girl had a really lousy childhood.

Maybe she did. From where I stood it looked like she had everything she ever wanted. Obviously that was not the case.

Do you have counsellors at school you can talk with?

You could call the Beyond Blue help line on 1300 22 4636 and ask them for an organisation in your area whom you could call and talk to that is more adapted to your age.

Congratulations for having the courage to share your story here. I hope some people more your age find this thread and respond as well.

In my way of thinking, no one is ever a mistake. At your age, I too thought everyone would be better off without me and I left home. My younger sister missed me like crazy.

Do you have an Aunty who you could talk to about how you are feeling or a teacher?

Have you read some of the stories and advice given in the Young People's section of this forum?

Every one of us are very special and important.

Hope some of this helps,

From Mrs. Dools

[TheGirlWhoWaited]

Hey Whatisthispain,

I admire your ability to continue comforting people, even if they seem to have given you a bit of grief over the years. It is also a great quality of yours to seek happiness for other people, but remember your own happiness is also really important.

Have you tried asking your "best friend" if she actually has something against you? Once I had a similar situation and I confronted my friend about why she seemed irritated with me. Turns out she didn't realise her behaviour, she also started crying and told me she was stressed out with school, and sometimes found it hard to deal with so many people.

But if you feel uncomfortable talking with her, or absolutely know she's deliberately treating you this way, would you reconsider who you hang out with? You mentioned that there was another friend you're hanging out with, do they make you happy? Stick around with them more often if they do, as I said before, your own happiness is important. (Also, do you think the friendship you share with the "best friend" is a 'letting go' issue? I understand if it is heart-wrenching to let go of memories)

Overall, I agree with Mrs. Dools, the pain you are experiencing is a part of life, especially the dreaded highschool era. Think about talking to someone (such as a counsellor, Beyond Blue) too about how you are feeling.

Btw, absolutely positootly no living creature who walks Planet Earth is a useless stupid ugly worthless person. Everyone is amazing in their own way. YOU are amazing, definitely worth it, and deserve happiness 🙂

Peace x

[ahw309]

Hi whatisthispain,

I'm glad to hear the forum has been of some help to you so far, and I'm sorry to hear you've been down. I really wish I could take your pain away. Being a teenager in high school is a confusing, often difficult time, and as a person still in high school myself, I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling.

I agree with both Mrs Dools and TheGirlWhoWaited, you're a very caring and considerate person in looking out for your friends' happiness, but your happiness is really, really important as well! I know for me, it has helped a lot just to talk to someone about it and release the build up of emotions, whether that be a school counsellor, parent, GP, or a teacher that you trust. I hope you can do this, as it can be really helpful.

Please, I hope you remember that you are not a mistake, worthless or stupid! I know I don't know you, but I do know that you're here for a reason, and that you've made, and will continue to make, a positive impact. 🙂

Take care and be kind to yourself!