I feel so lonely.

[AKMU]

all my life I think I've had difficulties with having someone there because I've got social anxiety so I don't have many close friends and I think my mum despises me over my dad (they are divorced). I've recently gotten anti-depressants which have made things good and I can talk to people now, but the second I go home I just feel so alone because my friends and family don't talk to me. Due to the medication it feels weird to be sad, like I feel like I shouldn't be sad but I just feel so over everything and want it to be over. I had a falling out with one of my closest friends because she was manipulative etc and I couldn't deal with it and now everything's just worse. She was the only person who talked to be outside of school and now she's gone so it's just me. Everyday I just feel like crying and I want to talk to someone about it but my mum isn't big on psychologists and stuff because it costs money. I love my mum a lot but I feel she doesn't love me much just because of my dad. Years ago when I wanted to end my life she didn't really care and she was more mad she had to talk to my dad about it and pay for a therapy. I'm in year 12 now so everything's more stressful and having no one to talk to is making everything worse. I don't know what to do I just want to be happy.

[tranzcrybe]

Feeling sad is actually a 'positive' emotion - it connects with our inner need to recognise where life could be better, and this leads us to dream of where we could/should be directing our future.

Some great revelations have risen out of sadness - can you think of any in history?

But sadness can come from change, and losing a close friend is no reason to feel happy - to do so would be insensitive. One positive was expressing how you felt about her manipulation. If that was something she (and you) could not reconcile, then it is right to walk away, at least until things settle down - emotions will be running high on both sides.

However, if you have a history with your friend, then respectfully continuing communication is warranted - at least to make peace and express sadness at what is come to an end. It is important to hear and acknowledge each other's feelings - year 12 is a stressful time in itself and we can say and do hurtful things we don't really mean.
Friends don't always have to agree, and friends aren't always right; but accepting these things is what friendship is all about.

I guess the same could even apply to reconnecting with your mother...

[sbella02]

AKMU,

Thank you for reaching out to us, and welcome to our forums. I can feel your pain through your words, and I'm sorry to hear about everything that you've been going through. Especially in year 12, which is already a stressful time for a multitude of reasons, interpersonal struggles can add immense stress to your life.

It seems to me like much of the difficulty you're experiencing is coming from your environment. From the stress of thinking about your mother's perception of you, to your horrible experience with somebody who you've seen as a friend, I can understand why you may be feeling like this.

While I agree with the sentiment of repairing friendships that mean a lot to you if you've had a falling out with them, I also subscribe to the belief that something costing you your peace is too expensive. Essentially, if you feel blatantly disrespected in any relationship with somebody, it's better for your wellbeing to distance yourself. I've had manipulative friends before, and to be honest, it's better to let them go and remind yourself why they're not good to have in your life. While you can remain civil with them if you feel like you need to, giving them access to you and your life may hurt you further, so it's best to keep that distance. There will be other people you encounter in your life who will genuinely have your back, care about you and your interests, and not make you feel like you've been manipulated. 

I have a close friend who has social anxiety, and she's found a great comfort in having online friends with similar interests, as her experience of friendships throughout school in real life has been horrible. Places like Discord can be really good for finding online friends with whom you have common interests and life experiences, provided you're being safe and cautious with the personal information you're revealing and receiving. She also made a comment about friendships during high school that I think is so true, which is "I'd rather have no friends than friends who mistreat me". 

It's unfair for you to feel unloved by your mother, regardless of what the intention behind her actions and words may be. Would you feel comfortable opening up to her about how you've been feeling with regards to your relationship with her? At the end of the day, you deserve to feel comfortable and respected in your interpersonal relationships, including with your mother, and you also know your relationship with her and likely have an idea of what to expect from such a conversation. If you feel like this would be beneficial, go for it.

I hope some of this advice is helpful for you, please feel free to reach out more if you need to chat, we're here to support you.

Take care, SB

[marko]

yooo whats up me too. also had a falling out, have social anxiety, year 11, on anti deprssants n shtuff. and i literally dont have friends so we could be if u want. also i get what u mean with the feel like i shouldn't be sad thing cus i feel like i have so much resources to cope yet i still cant deal with any stressor . ..