I feel so bad about something I said

[Cerise547]

So today I was chatting with a girl at lunch (an exchange student) and I was talking about how my brother is sick with glandular fever. It's been so horrible to see him so tired and unmoving and quiet, and I was talking about this. I kinda wanted to lighten the conversation up a bit, so I mentioned how he was on the couch, only a couple of metres away from the heater remote, and he asked ME to turn on the heater, trying to make a joke out of it. A JOKE. I didn't even find it funny, but she laughed so KEPT GOING. I said how he can barely talk, and I MIMICKED HIS CROAKY VOICE. I MIMICKED HIM, while he's sick and distressed and unwell! I felt so guilty after I thought about what I said, and I started having anxiety thoughts (particularly with my magical thinking/thought-action fusion). I was stressing that since I had made fun of him that God was going to make him even sicker and it was all my fault. I felt TERRIBLE.

I came home and mum noticed I was acting weird, so she asked what was wrong. I told I had said something about someone that was mean and I didn't even think/find funny. I didn't tell her exactly what I said because I knew she would be so disappointed in me. She got quite mad at me and said that she's not going to try to make me feel better, because I SHOULD feel guilty for that. I had seen how all my family members were so concerned about him, and I had MADE FUN OF HIM!!!

I feel so guilty, and it was all just to make a girl laugh. I feel so so so bad, I'm crying a lot, having anxiety thoughts, I've made my mum ashamed of me and I went to her looking for validation! How dare I?!
What I said was SO out of character for me, I didn't find it funny at all but I SAID IT, and I feel so stupid. Now I can't look at my brother in his state without feeling incredibly guilty and I feel like a horrible person.

I mainly wrote this to vent, but if you have any advice that would be greatly appreciated.

[smallwolf]

Hi Cerise547,

So you mimicked your brother's sickness to a someone else and now feel guilty about it. When you went home and told your mum, she did not seem sympathetic, and I guess you feel worse?

There are a few ways you could process this...

(1) do nothing and work through it

(2) apologise to your brother

But whether you do (1) or (2) depends on your motivations for the way you spoke (or not). Initially you said that you wanted to make the conversation lighter. Now, rather than carrying on if you had stopped before going too far would you still feel guilty?

One thing I can say is that God will not make him sicker. I would think that God is with him at the moment, in his sickness.

Perhaps your attempts to lighten the situation, or to remove some of the distress you feel about the brother was to copy him? Does not make it right or wrong, but at that moment in time, that was how to you dealt the situation - I can tell from your post that while you feel guilty (which is also a natural human feeling), there is also a great concern for your brother, which is much greater than what you said. This is also shown by you feeling the need to post here.

Now I don't know how old you or your brother is. but an apology could strengthen the relationship (over time). You are not the first or the last person so do something like this... in fact, I probably did this to my brother and he to me many many years ago. It does not make you a bad person.

Might not have answered your questions or gave you any advice, but if you want to chat some more about this, I am here and will listen to you.

Tim

[grt123]

You're fine Cerise- you were just making light of a bad situation. People who can see the funny side of life are precious and a joy to have in our lives.

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Cerise,

It must be frustrating feeling out of control with your words and emotions. Your emotions are valid. You can't change the past, you acted in the moment which is understandable. Your guilty reaction shows you're a good person. I'd be much more concerned if you did not feel bad at all and continued talking about him negatively. All you can do is apologise if you feel its necessary, and learn to avoid doing it again. I'm glad you came on here to seek support 🙂