I feel like there's no hope left

[rhiannon13]

I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for a couple of years now. It all started when I was diagnosed with anxiety by my GP and I was referred to a psychologist. I've been seeing my psychologist every two weeks for a year now and although I have learnt a lot about how to cope with anxiety, I feel as if my depression is getting worse. I find it very hard to open up to people and I leave my appointments regretting not saying more. I have just turned 18 and although my dad drops me off for my appointments I have never discussed exactly why I go to them. I don't tell anyone about my anxiety and depression because I feel as if people will judge me for it and I also don't feel like anyone care's enough to talk it through with me. I really don't know where to go from here and I feel as if I'm getting worse and worse each day. My thoughts are scaring me and I'm becoming ashamed of the way I think. My self esteem and confidence have dropped and I've come to the point where there is nothing about myself that I like which make's me feel worthless. 

My life at the moment feels as if it's just one big vicious cycle and I'm worried because I don't know what to do about it

[CrashCoyote]

Hi rhiannon13,

Thank you for your post and I hope you can get some good advice from your psychologist.

I have some things I would like to ask you. Have you told your psychologist that you regret not opening up more at your sessions? While talking of your psych, do you feel s/he is a good fit for you? It is hard to change psych's when you are in a routine but sometimes it is necessary. Do you feel you have good rapport with him/her?

Regarding dad, do you have a good relationship with him? I would always want my kids (I have five) to bring anything they wanted to me. I would never turn my back on them and even if they had done something bad, I would stand by them even if I could not endorse them. Your dad might be the most forgiving and supportive person in your world?

Finally, there will always be people that judge others and none of us can escape that. Please do not feel no one cares enough to talk it through with you. I don't even know you and I will if you can find no one better! We also have a web chat service and 1300 number on here. I'd suspect, though, that both your psychologist and your loved ones will be more understanding and supportive than you might anticipate.

Please keep posting if you can and keep fighting.

Kind regards, John.

[rhiannon13]

Thanks for the reply, it means a lot and does reassure that there are people that care.

My dad and I have always had a good relationship. My mum passed away when I was 10 so my dad had to raise me by himself from there. I do find it really difficult to discuss things like this with him though which upsets me because I feel like the one person I want to talk about it with is mum but I can't do that. I do want to talk to him about it because I know he would support me but I just can't seem to open up to anyone including him which is part of the reason I feel so alone.

I have a bad habit of thinking a lot of people hate me. This happens quite a lot and is a big trigger for me and I start to close off contact with anyone outside of my house and often won't speak to my friends for some time which just makes me feel more lonely. 

I know I shouldn't shut people out and I should let my friends and family know what's going on so I can feel their support and I hope I can some day but It's still a big step for me

[CrashCoyote]

Hi again rhiannon13,

You are right, there are people that care so you have a starting place. I am sorry for the loss of your mum and very happy that you have a close relationship with your dad, even if you have trouble opening up. I can assure you that he loves you more than his own life and when we work out how you can open up, at least you know he will be there for you.

Are you able to discuss with your psychologist strategies to help you open up? Maybe start with little things that worry you and once you have the reassurance of acceptance you can talk about bigger things?

For what it is worth, you have my support. This site is anonymous so I will never know who you are. If you want to open up about anything, big or small, I will respond.

Kind regards, John.

[Neil_1]

Dear Rhiannon

Welcome to Beyond Blue and it’s great that you’ve posted again.

I’m sorry to hear that you lost your Mum, what, about 8 years ago?  I lost my Dad 7 years ago and more recently my Mum also – but yes, I can see what you were saying when it would have been your Mum who you felt you could have opened up too.

But in hearing about how things are now, it seems to me that your Dad is a good support for you and it’s awesome that you have a good relationship.  I do find it a bit, um, odd, how your Dad will drop you to your appointments, but doesn’t know why you’re going.  I’ve got a 16yo and a 14yo and if for any reason they would have to be taken somewhere, I’d be wanting to know why – in a totally caring and supporting way of course. 

Perhaps now might be a good time to sit down with your Dad and tell him some things – but only if you feel comfortable in doing so;  and having said this, if you do think this might be a good thing to do;  also perhaps don’t reveal “all” to him in the first sitting;  but just whatever you’re comfortable with.  Just a thought.

I’m also hearing you loud and clear with the ‘shutting people out’ – I do similar things with friends – well not so much shutting them out, but I have little contact with them and though we know we’re mates, etc;  I just don’t go out of my way to make contact, as my social anxiety doesn’t allow for this.

However, if you’re maybe thinking that it might be good to share some of your issues with a friend – that can be a very good thing also – but just think about which person you’d like to let know;  and again, if you do go through with this, I’d only feed them a little information to start with – just so they don’t get overwhelmed or possibly scared off.  Hopefully they won’t do that and they’ll provide you with great support.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[rhiannon13]

This week I've really tried to focus on clearing my head and it has been rather successful but as always one little thing can completely change that and I find myself back at square 1 again.

I really do appreciate your advice and support. I've thought a lot about reaching out more to my family and friends but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I'll begin to gain confidence and motivation but then one trigger and my thoughts completely change. These time's are some of the worst because it just feels like one big vicious circle and it feels like there's no way out although I really am trying to think positive as much as I can by telling myself that there is always a way forward.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Rhiannon13,

I am so glad you have posted again.

Sometimes with any sort of emotional issue it is two steps forward and one step back, it is a lot harder to manage these than the minor stuff that goes on in our lives.

Have you considered maybe keeping a diary of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling like reaching out? You said that you'd really like to talk to mum but, of course, you can't. Why don't you write down what you'd like to say as if you were saying it to your mum and then next time you have the strength, corner dad and show him? I must warn you that dad's are usually Mister Fix It's, especially with their daughters, so don't be surprised if he wants to try to solve everything at once!

Please remember that eighteen is a difficult age for boys and girls. As youths we can be our own harshest critics. It is easy to see ourselves as failures compared to the dreams we have for our futures, but also unfair. Your writings are those of a sensible and articulate young lady. You are thoughtful and if I had to guess, I would say very giving and kind. That is just from reading a few of your posts.

You are not hated by everyone and you are not worthless or bad. I hope you are having some progress with your therapist and find the strength to open up a bit. If you check out some of the other threads on this site, you will see many other young people are struggling with the same issues you do. You are normal. Read a few of Liam C's posts, again, a nice young man struggling with his self confidence.

Please keep posting because you are important to my friend Neil and to me.

Kind regards, John.