I feel like I've tried it all.

[sadgirl57]

So I posted a new thread the other day but I didn't really sum up well enough what was in my head so prepare yourself for a lot of rambling. 

Basically, I'm drained all the time. Nearly every aspect of my life is suffering - relationships, work, my health. I eat well, I hang out with people, I try motivate myself with things I like and... nothing. I try to have a good perspective, and I do a lot of the time. I'm grateful, I do everything right - I look my fears in the face and fight them but still nothing. I've done the counselling, I've been to the doctor, I've done the diet, I've done everything. I can't remember a time in my life, even as a child, when I wasn't tired. I have a handful of different vitamins everyday and while they've helped and just still this blob that can't cope with life. I have this boyfriend that I'm literally draining the life out of because all he does is try to make me happy and he can't. I try to make myself happy and I can't. I want to improve myself by studying but I literally cannot, I've gotten help and I retain no information and just can't process anything. I rest and take time out. I've tried meditation. Am I just not meant to be happy? 

[Doolhof]

Dear Cassie,

Hi. I have not been on the forums much lately due to a few issues of my own and also studying. I am so sorry that you have been reaching out here and no one has replied to you.

Once again I can relate to so much of what you have written. Firstly, you mentioned about feeling so tired. Do you have a Dr you see? I suggest you chat to him or her and explain your tiredness. There may be a medical condition behind it all.

It is wonderful you have been reading about Borderline Personality Disorder. You may decide to chat to a Dr about how you connect with some of the things you have read about. There is a course you can do on mindfulness that helps you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings.

Regarding your Dad, my Dad was never a loud or violent man, but I have never felt connected to him. It is okay to feel that way. Some days I don't feel at all connected to my husband or my sisters either, but I don't tell them so. I realise it is just a part of how my brain works.

Have you tried writing a letter to your Dad? You might like to write two. The first one can be full of all the hurt, pain and disappointment you feel towards your Dad. Then you can tear that one up and write him another one in a couple of days time.

During my day, I try to make the most of little moments. I do stop to smell the roses when I come across them. There are some delightful ones outside of  a library I go to. I love to smell the beautiful perfume.

I try to use my senses more, like touch, taste, smell and sight. It is amazing how nice your food tastes when you actually try to taste it! Ha. Ha.

It is wonderful you have little self help notes up on your wall. I can understand feeling a little embarrassed by it, but maybe if others see them, it might be an opportunity to chat with them about how you are feeling.

Some days can be really tough. I work for myself and my husband doesn't work at present, so I have little choice but to go to work. I do know what it is like when you feel like you just can't get there. It is great that your boyfriend phoned for you.

Try to get through one day at a time and tell yourself how well you have done. Try and find three things to be thankful for each day. Most nights I go to bed and try and think of all the good things that happened that day. Even if I just come up with having noticed a beautiful flower, or seeing a lovely dress in a shop window, that is something positive.

Cheers, Mrs. Dools

[sadgirl57]

Hi Mrs Dool, 

Studying, making the sole income and dealing with depression. I don't know how you're doing it. I really admire it. 

I have told my doctor I'm always tired. I had anaemia last year so I figure I could just take iron tablets to fix it, I would say that but the thing is I've never not been tired a day in my life. I remember being a really small kid, complaining to my Mum and she would just brush it off so I've never really tried to do anything about it. I think it's mostly my mentality making me tired. 

In regards to my Dad, I need more time to think with that one. I can't deal with the added stress. 

I'm usually the same but I'm just too deep in despair right now. It's just really taken a hold of me. I don't know how I'm going to work like this. I feel like everything is crumbling around me. My relationship is on rocks, I can't deal with seeing my friends because I can't connect with them and I hate my job and I can't stand it any longer. 

It's all just so tedious. Why should something so easy as happiness be so hard and something I have to fight for day in day out? 

[Doolhof]

Hi Sadgirl,

I had a really busy week last week with a full 5 days of training! It was very interesting and I enjoyed it, but found it tiring as well.

So how are you feeling? I hope you have been able to find something to hold on to that helps you.

I certainly understand the feeling of fighting to keep your head above water, of wondering why happiness feels so evasive and out of sight.

I guess the main thing is to not give up. I do know how tough it can be. I have been in the deep depths of despair and have wondered what is the point to carrying on.

Every now and then I have a really tough day and I consider how I am going to get through, but I do manage in  the end.

I hope you get back to me and others reading these posts and let me know how you are getting on.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[sadgirl57]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I really appreciate you checking up with me. Lately I've found it really easy to change my frame of mind. I don't know why I suddenly found it so simple... perhaps because I did a few things in terms of facing my fears and it helped my persevere instead of usually giving up. I've done a few things I'm proud of like put more effort in at work, be more organised and showing up early, not stressing about not getting enough sleep so then I found I wasn't actually as tired! I had a community garden event last night that I participated in and that was a really good feeling and I kind of felt like I found home or something? It was a weird experience. I also had a job interview which, even if I don't get the job I'm proud of myself for trying and now it's inspired me to face my fears and go for things that I never thought I would've had a chance at. Things are still up and down but it's just a matter of working on the things I'm unhappy with.

 Hope you're well Mrs D, if you want to talk I'll offer the best support I can 🙂 xo

[sadgirl57]

So everything has changed dramatically since I last spoke. I felt kind of like things were getting better but then my boyfriend and I broke up, I moved out and I'm kind of homeless for a while till I can save enough for a bond. I lost my wallet today too with the last $60 cash I had. I'm being looked after by my work friends and friends so I'm really grateful to have them. I'm not sure if life is giving me karma from past mistakes or testing me for something better. I hope the latter. 

[sadgirl57]

Everything is feeling really hard right now, I feel like such a burden and saving money is really hard - looking after myself in general is really hard because I can't cook for myself and my motivation for anything is all but gone. I found it so easy at the start and now nothing feels right. I'm not coping at all. I've been living off 5 hours of broken sleep for I don't know how long, my work performance has gone down and I feel like I'll cry at the drop of a hat. My Mum wants me to take time off work for quite a while so I can get better but this is the first I've had that I haven't screwed up and I feel like I'm just going backwards. Sometimes I feel like I'll never get better because my mentality isn't strong enough to cope with the hard work that is life. 

[Doolhof]

Hi there, I'm so sorry to read that you have found you self is such a difficult situation. It does sound like your Mum and friends are being supportive, so that is a huge bonus for you.

I haven't been on the forum for a while due to a really busy time of late including working, study and trying to clean up the garden. Unfortunately my husband does not like outside work much, so it is all left to me.

Now I seem to have hurt my back, so that has slowed me up and makes life more difficult. As I work for myself, I can't take time off work as I don't get paid for sick leave! The pain is horrible but I really feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

In some ways your Mum is right in suggesting some time off work would be beneficial, then you will have the time to rest and relax and sort things out.

On the other hand, work is a place where you can have contact with people, you can have a sense of achievement and hopefully receive encouragement and understanding for your present situation.

It is a tough one to know what is the best thing to do. Can you take a little time off work? Easier said than done I know! If I want time off my work, I need to phone my clients and ask who they would like to assist them, then ask those contractors if they are available, report back tot he client and then to the advisors of the company who provide me the clients!

It is easier for me to take multiple pain killers and muscle relaxant medication and keep working! Not that is benefiting me physically at all.

So in a way I do understand your dilemma! I wish you well in trying to decide what to do!

On a brighter note, it is a lovely day and the birds were singing beautifully this morning.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools