i feel like i've lost my only friends due to anxiety/depression. any advice is appreciated.

[drwsy]

my first post here o . O i'll just get to the point.

late 2014 is when my mental illnesses became prominent, 2015 was living hell for me, i was still in school (year 9) and i barely passed the year. in 2016 i flat out refused to go back to school (i've always been scared of school, and hate it with a burning passion) and eventually i got enrolled in distance education. about more than halfway into the year. my anxiety is absolute garbage, especially since i basically spent most of the year in my house. i also have severe depression, i was taking medication for that, but stopped around halfway thru the year. and i also have brain fog so i feel like crap all the time. but oh i'm getting off of track

i''ve been in the house for a long time as i said, my only two friends who rly clicked w me (i'm not trusting of friends anymore...i used to have a bunch of friends in primary school, i loved them but they never contacted me. ever. after getting out of school. so these two friends, i in a nutshell feel they don't care baout me anymore, like they've moved on. i don't blame them..i'll say about when i met them irl this year

first time my best friend (not anymore..) sammy visited my house for a sleepover. around 11pm my anxiety swept me, i needed to be alone. i asked if she could go home, she was alright with that. (also she suffers from severe depression and anxiety as well. she's gotten way better now.) other time tht was fairly recent, i saw my friend sammy and th eother one bynesha. it was alright. a few days ago i went to sammys bday party, a sleepover. i felt so alone. i knew everyone there from school but...idk. sammy was barely payign attention to me. i was on the outside of the group. a person at the party was trying to make conversation bc she was alone too but it was just so uncomfortable. anytime i spoke i felt so f-----g embarrased. just like in school, whenever i used to talk in front of classes...i felt so stupid...my emotions were killing me, i needed to get out of there so i called my mmum askign if she could pick me up. bynesha didnt come bc she was seeing her relatives or smth. after this experience i just want to push whateevr i have left of these two friendships away...and then i'll have no friends. no one else to judge me, or for me to freak out about, but i'm already too lonely it;s so painful,, i'm tearing up thinking about it now. i dont know what to do. i'm too anxious to find new friends, to anxious to function infornt of people, im 16.

[drwsy]

sorry if this seems rly rushed or there feels to be stuff missing. character limit. if something's really unclear, just ask me about it

[drwsy]

i regret going into distance ed. i wish i just stayed in school but i know i couldnt of, i was too scared. i regret so much and i feel so sad.

[ahw309]

Hi drwsy,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting - that requires a lot of courage, so well done 🙂

Firstly, I'm really sorry about how you are feeling. I also have depression and anxiety so can understand a lot of your pain. It sucks, but it does get better 🙂

I understand why you may regret going into distance education, as it's harder to maintain friendships and social contact in general, but it seems that was the best thing for you at the time. As you said, you were too scared to continue going to school, and it's right that you put your wellbeing first. This is really important!

Your two friends seem, to me, to be kind, supportive, and non-judgemental, and it sounds like they care about and respect you. I really think that you should try and stay friends with them and not push them away, even though it may be hard at the moment.

Experiencing mental illness can make you feel very isolated and alone, and without the interaction that you would've had at school, it's important to have friends there to talk to and do things with, and have them as part of your support network. It's so easy to push away our friends because of how we're feeling at a moment in time (e.g. because you're worried about being judged) but without these friendships, feelings of loneliness would increase, and could worsen your depression/anxiety. Personally, my friends have been a big help, and can sometimes momentarily distract me from my worries, and allow me to have some fun with people of the same age and with similar interests.

That being said, it'll be easier to do this once you are feeling a little bit better, so I hope you can continue working on yourself and your recovery. Hopefully as you start to get better, you can meet up with friends more which will probably help you feel better, and I'm not sure how distance education works, but maybe you can also work towards going back to school. If you aren't seeing anyone (counsellor, psychologist, etc.) then I think you should, in order to get the guidance and help you need and deserve to get better.

I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, but I wish you all the best. Feel free to post again if you need to, or want to share more, as we are always here and willing to listen. Take care 🙂