I thought I was better..

MsCroft · ‎05-10-2016

I was on this blog a couple of months back, one day I abruptly stopped posting, because I had gotten to a point of no return and I didn't feel the need anymore. I was taking my medication and regularly seeing a psychologist, and I WAS getting better, I was finally able to enjoy the little things. Even though I woke up everyday upset and hating myself, I still managed to name one positive thing that happened in my day. I no longer went to the bathroom in complete darkness, I no longer avoided mirrors, I brushed my teeth, I showered, I was finally me again. I decided I no longer needed the help I was being provided with and someone else needed it more than I did. So I just stopped everything, and for a while I was okay and happy and I was young. Until I started going to the bathroom in complete darkness, Started locking myself in my room, I stopped showering and mornings became and endless struggle to get out of bed and go to school. I lost all the friends I made, My family were them old selves. I've selfishly ruined everything, again. I will never get better.

ahw309 · ‎06-10-2016

Hi MsCroft,

Welcome back to the forums!! Even though the reason you're back is because you find yourself struggling again, it really is nice to have you with us 🙂

Firstly, well done on getting the help you needed, and deserved, before. That requires a lot of strength and courage, and it's really good to hear you had been doing a lot better. I'm really sorry that you're not feeling so good anymore.

The thing with recovery is, that it's not just a straight path. Recovery is full of ups and downs, so there may be times when we slip or fall again, but that's perfectly okay! It's not at all your fault, ever. It's just part of the process of getting better! And hopefully as we continue to build up our support network and learn new skills and methods of coping (through therapy, medication, etc), we will be able to better deal with or prevent these downs, and in time, there will be a lot less downs and a lot more ups 🙂

When you say you stopped everything, does that mean you stopped seeing a psychologist and stopped taking medication? And if yes, did you stop medication with a doctor's help and recommendation? If you haven't already, I really think it would be good for you to check in again with your GP, psychologist, or other mental health professional. This seemed to have helped you before, so it will be really good if you could see someone again. You deserve this help so you can get better!

You got through this before, so you undoubtedly have the strength to do it again. You can and will get better. I believe in you! 🙂

Hope a little of this has helped, and feel free to post again. Take care!

Starwolf · ‎06-10-2016

Welcome back MsCroft...though I wish it was in different circumstances. I remember you well. I'm sorry you had to go through this bitter disappointment.

As AHW pointed out, recovery is far from a straightforward process. Many of us have been lulled into complacency only to regret it later. You are not alone in this. Stopping medication abruptly is never a good idea and -for that reason- should always be done under professional guidance.

On the brighter side, you now know that things can and will get better... with the right support and assistance. You have experienced how those can work for and with you. I hope you can see this as a setback, not a failure. You had come a long way so know how to get to a better place. Kudos to you for making that progress. Please do not be disheartened...we all make mistakes. As flawed humans, it is unfortunately the way we learn. When we do, a bad experience has served its purpose and its negativity has been turned around into a creative channel.

Time to dust yourself, wipe away the tears and start again...enriched by the experience but undefeated. We're still here for you, ready to offer renewed support and cheer you on throughout this journey.

MsCroft · ‎07-10-2016

Does it ever get easier? Or is this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life... It's so hard to want to get help and continue getting it when your family are not supportive and the little friends that you have, have no idea what you are going through? I am trying so hard to be what my family wants. They say I'm just doing this for the attention, little do they realise I'm struggling... This is hard.

Starwolf · ‎07-10-2016

Yes, with patient, persistent work, it does get easier. However, there is no instant fix so one must be prepared to be in it for the long run. I once struggled to get out of bed too and couldn't face the light of day. If I could move on from that dark space to complaining that days are not long enough to fit everything in...you can do it too.

I'm sorry you are not getting much support from your family. I remember an open letter you wrote to your mother...it was beautiful and moving. Please keep in mind that you are doing this for yourself first. You have been through a lot and deserve quality of life and peace of mind. You have a lot to give and great potential but sometimes those around us only see this when this potential is being realized. Depression is hard to understand for sufferers, even more so for our loved ones. Most people feel out of their depth in unknown territory so they end up being unhelpful, shrugging it off or withdrawing altogether.

Information about what you are going through may be accepted and absorbed more easily if it comes from a professional outsider. Could a talk between parents and therapist be arranged ? Other than that, providing written info could also work well. This can be ordered free of charge (scroll down to the bottom of this page and check out the Get Support section). This would be so much easier for you if you had understanding and support on the home front...

Meanwhile, there's a whole bunch of terrific young people here at BB. They will know exactly what you are up against because they are/have been in situations similar to yours. A safe place to start...again. You have had a glimpse of a better life, keeping your focus on the prize will help you reclaim it.

ahw309 · ‎07-10-2016

I don't really have anything to add to Starwolf's great words and adivce. Jut wanted to say that yes, it does get easier, and we are all here for you - always 🙂