I dont know who i am anymore

[Unicorndogge]

Lately i just feel like i am getting dragged along not doing anything useful. The thing is i am pretty much useless, my anxiety is bad i cant even do what most other people can do my age and now i just have no motivation to learn because i know i will stuff it up or not go anywhere with it. I dont have a job, i dont study anymore and now that i am living with my nan its like i feel trapped even though i was in a worse position at home with my dad smoking weed with most of my inheritance money. I don't know what i am good at, liking something is not enough anymore because i know that i will be alone forever.

[Unicorndogge]

Hi jasjit

Good on you for fixing your problems, i guess some people are lucky and some just have no chance of getting better. SOMEONE LIKE ME.

I dont really have anything i like, because what is the point when all it does is make you feel worse. Yes i am jealous of people who are amazing at there hobbies. My penapl is one of them he likes photography and is a professional photography. He is so talented and i have nothing only my shity drawings everyone complains about. It makes me feel bad because he is so much better then me and i am older then him. WHY CAN’T I BE GOOD FOR CHANGE?.

Sometimes i dont expect anything but that doesnt make anything better or go away. Maybe if you were lucky but if your me your stuck for life.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Unicorndogge,
  Thanks for reaching out this morning. We're sorry to hear that you're feeling hopeless at the moment. It's sounds like you're in a dark place at the moment and we understand that these kind of thoughts must be quite overwhelming or distressing. Please know that you are not alone in this.

It's good to hear that you are seeing a support worker. Can we ask if you are receiving any other form of mental health support? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

We can hear that it's been a long journey for you and you're quite exhausted by it, but in case we can help at all, we thought you might like to take a look at the Beyond Blue "Treatments for Anxiety" page to see if it can give you any new ideas for treatment strategies -

• https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/treatments-for-anxiety

  Or some other Beyond Blue resources where you might find some inspiriation:

• "Personal stories" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/personal-stories
• "Journey to wellness" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/journey-to-wellness

Many of our members have felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.

[Ggrand]

Hello Harley,

Im sorry that happened to you with the painting...I think she was very ungrateful and critical of the painting/gift...after all the time you spent on fixing a painting for her......Sweetheart please try not to let other people’s opinion of your work get to you...You done something from your heart to give to someone, that is pure gold Harley.....That shows me that you have a kind heart...and you did achieve something....

Not stubborn or mean Harley..your struggling right now with your mental health, and in these times when we are so down on ourselves, we only see and think what anxiety wants us to...

I also have a support worker who takes me out because of my anxiety, I feel to vulnerable on my own.,,your not alone dear Harley...My support worker is very caring..is your support worker caring towards you?..Is going to your GP and talking to him/her about how your feeling something that you might be able to do...They can set you up a mental health Care Plan..with free visits to a psychologist, who you could talk your feeling through with...Its to hard to try to manage negativity and anxiety on our own....

I have so many projects I have started, and not finished because I’m thinking like you ..why am I doing this..The truth is we are doing it for us ..to learn, to get better..to distract our minds away from negativity....

Is their something that you want to learn? Maybe you can learn online..or if you have an interest in something, no matter how small..maybe you could find a group with similar interests...

Please, don’t ever give up trying to find out who you are..and what you want to do in life..it takes time..you have been through and going through a rough time...We are here to support you as much as we can...you matter to us, and we care about you...

Looking forward to hearing how your getting on.when you feel up to it...

Sitting with you dear Harley..with my care and kind thoughts..

Grandy..

[Jasjit]

Hi Unicrondogge,

I completely understand how hard it is to come out from this habit of constantly comparing oneself to others. I completely get that. Thanks for telling me that. But maybe just for once try living for yourself. I am completely with you and I won't let you down!!

Your other friends are just being themselves!! So you can also be!!!

Please tell me more about yourself, I really want to help you out!!! What are the things that you are like - without a doubt?!

[Unicorndogge]

Hi grandy

having a support worker just feels like a fake friend to me. It makes me feel worse because I know that I am not going anywhere and that even if I enjoy hanging out with here it’s her job so really it isn’t real. I don’t like it but my nan can’t always have me around. If I have friends that would be all I ever wanted but I can’t even get that simple thing that I want. I am scared of doing interviews for jobs and I don’t even know how, I don’t even feel motivated because I don’t see any use of getting a job. Other then money I just don’t feel compelled to because I don’t think it will help out my situation. I already have a counsellor but I only talk to her once a month and I don’t know how seeing another one will make any difference because everything that I have tried that hasn’t worked the first time doesn’t work again.

People can say they care but at the end of the day they see your ugly and hate you. i think I just have to accept I will be alone forever because that is the way I have been for a long time, fate doesn’t have any reason to change its course.

hayley

[Unicorndogge]

Hi jusjit

Well if you’re just not good enough then you won’t get anywhere that is the truth for you to get through what I have got you must of had some talent but if your as useless as I am there is no hope, it’s lie. I don’t have anything to live for really. I have basically lost both of my parents and I only have my two nans and it’s like I am a burden because I can’t be useful.

i don’t have any friends, only my PenPal online but I am not sure if he even likes me, why would he. As I said he is talented just like you so why do I deserve to be talking to someone so great.

i am useless and stubborn that’s what I am like and I am getting meaner and meaner.

Hayley

[Sophie_M]

Hey Unicorndogge,

We're so sorry to hear how low you've been feeling. We think you are so strong to be reaching out here to our friendly community, and please remember that help is always available to you, 24/7, if you'd like to talk to someone right now about what you're going through.

You are always welcome to get in touch with our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), and a friendly counsellor will be happy to talk through these feelings with you. We understand that you've mentioned reaching out to helplines in the past and didn't find them beneficial, but we'd really urge you to give it another try. Sometimes counsellors with particular skill sets, and even particular personalities, can meet your needs and expectations in different ways.

You might also like to reach out to Headspace, which is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25, offering a wide range of services including group programs which are a great opportunity to meet people. 

You're not alone in this and we hope you keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

[Ggrand]

Hello Unicorndogge...

You say you’re a burden on both your Nan’s.Im wondering if you do small things around the house to help them..like washing up, cooking, keeping your room clean...just helping out in everyday household choirs?...

If it’s to scary to go to interviews for jobs..maybe honey you can try doing volunteer work, one day a week in a charity shop, meals on wheels, the homeless shelter..to get you used to being out and around people..I volunteer once a week at St Vincent De Paul charity shop and it is helping me to get used of being around people and I even had to learn how to communicate with people again...it’s helped me a lot..Is this something that you would consider?

No one is useless, everyone has something they are okay with..A friend of my late husband used to oil paint over the nice sceneries on calendars, he enjoyed doing that and he even started selling them on line...I would imagine your Nan’s know how to knit or chotecter, maybe you could ask them to teach you..I am sure that they would love to help you..

Unicorn....As hard as it is..if you can try not to listen to what your depressive brain is telling you...it lies to us and wants us to feel and think everything negative...and that’s not true..

Most support workers are doing their job only..but a lot really do care about their participants...

Your penpal is your penpal because he likes you for who you are..not for what you can and can’t do...If he wasn’t good at anything, I’m sure you would still like him and continue to be penpal s with him...

I hope today is better then yesterday...if it’s sunny..it’s really relaxing to just sit quietly outside then look and listen to the sounds around you.lit gives your thoughts a rest from negativity....

Sitting with you quietly...

Grandy..

[Unicorndogge]

Hi grandy

I do everything my nan says however it isnt enough, i know she is becoming frustrated with me. Last night she called me a bad girl and i didnt do anything other then try to explain something to her. She wants me to get a job and I am trying my best with what little confidence and motivation I have. I haven’t heard back from any of the places so it doesn’t look like I am cut out for this. Even if she does kick me out (she has threatened me a few times) I might be able to get some of my motivation back.

i know how to knit, I finished myself a scarf 2 months back. It’s rainbow and has Pom poms on the bottom of it. I pretty much taught myself because I am left handed so I just went on youtube and learnt most of it.

well when people say your back it’s hard not to hear. Maybe I am better alone.

I like my PenPal a lot. His from Russia and you would think he would be mean like the stereotypes but his not, in fact his sweet. I have had a lot of other penpals but they just stop talking to me after a few days. I have started to see him more like my friend, I told him that and he didn’t freak out luckily. We get along really well the only problem is we live so far away:(

I am a bit better today thanks grandy

hayley

[Ggrand]

Hello Harley..

You’re a good person Harley...Please don’t believe anyone who says differently....Helping your nan...She is lucky you are living with her....I wish my grandchildren could live with me...but the are 7 hour drive from mine..with this pandemic I haven’t seen them for over a year now...

You are doing the best you can applying for work..Well done sweetheart...Sooner or later you will get employment..then your life will change....for the better..you had a hard childhood..and you came out of it with a beautiful heart..some become the same as their abusers...cold hearted...

I started a beanie this winter..still not finished it....but I will...That must have been hard for you to learn how to knit on your own..,and you done it....I am so proud of you for doing that...awe rainbow colours are my favourite...Over the weekend I saw a beautiful rainbow..so vibrant...I took some picture of it so I can remember it when I don’t feel so good...

Thats nice of your penpal...he sounds like a lovely person..the other pen pals..we don’t know what happened to them...not many people with pen pals talk for too long..I had a few when I was younger..waiting for the postie to come..I got disappointed a lot..they just seem to move on...

Your last sentence warmed my heart...I really want the best for you...I hope you continue to get stronger within yourself..

Sending you my care, love and hugs..

Grandy..