I don't know who to talk to about this

[Bellosilentium]

I find it a lot easier to type my feeling than to say them in person.

I feel mostly fine during the day but some days are good and some are bad, I'll have days where I feel very self confident but they never last and they only happen when I don't see anyone I know. 

I am not nervous or afraid of strangers but I am afraid of what the people I know think of me. That said though, I can't work out at a gym because there are people who could be watching me and that makes me nervous but I can play a musical instrument in front of 1000 people quite fine. 

At night time I take forever to go to sleep as my mind is constantly going through situations that have happened in the past and how I felt, reminding me of what I wanted to say ten years ago but couldn't... I find myself making up scenarios of situations in the past and I end up screaming (inside my head) and wanting to rip the people in that scenario apart or rip myself apart because of how I dealt with it then.

Most of the time I insult myself when I do something stupid, I'll think to myself about how I'm a f'ing

loser and an idiot that has no brains, and I'm too stupid. I also never believe when people say I am not stupid and I never believe when someone says they love me. I cannot love myself and I dont believe that anyone can love me because they only see the nice side of me. They don't know the twisted thoughts and feelings I have and if they did they wouldn't love me.

I just feel like nobody can understand me. 

Who do I talk to?

I' m afraid doctors will think I'm just looking for attention and not take me serious, I can't talk to anyone either because I find it so hard to say things in person, I would keep 90% of this to myself if I was not anonymously typing to strangers. And as it is i haven't said everything here. I don't know if this is anxiety or something else? 

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[Bellosilentium]

Also, Beltane, thank you for sharing your experience with writing and how it and the sewing make you feel better.

I am working towards getting published one day (the perfectionist in me is still editing the work) 

Writing is really the only interest I have managed to keep, I no longer have any interest in my music even though I was very passionate about it (the lack of interest also had me worried about anxiety/depression) 

[Beltane]

What are you are feeling is common, Bello.

A very common thing about distressing events in our past is that they can be extremely confronting to think about or remember in detail. Is is even possible for the brain to try to repress or "forget" past memories in an effort to protect itself from emotional pain, and it can be distressing bringing those memories up.

this is exactly why counsellors exist. a professional will know how to help you face the issues in your past that may need resolving, they will do it gently and not force, they will teach you coping skills and resolution skills so that you are equipped with skills to deal with these memories. 

Right now you are trying to face these "dragons" of your past alone. You have no sword, no armour, no fighting skills. A counsellor will help you through this process and give you those "weapons" (techniques).

And for what it's worth, counselling for me is certainly not always a "negative, heavy" process. I don't go in  there every week and spend a solid hour talking only about distressing subjects. Usually I'll come in with the problem/ thought that is the most troublesome, wa talk about the issues surrounding that problem and she'll give me some education abiut what's going on, then we work our way to the "positive half" of the session which is where we figure out a possible solution- a technique I can try, or a therapy book to read, or some new thoughts to consider in regards to the problem.

i won't lie, it can be certainly hard at times, especially at the start, but the more I've gone, the more I felt like my pain was lifting. More and more my "demons" lost their power and were overcome, and I felt more free, more able to cope. Id arrive at each session weighed down by issues and leave the session feeling much lighter, very relieved to have the weight off.

my point is, your writing theraoy might not always be focused on distressing subjects of the past. Your therapist may want to sometimes to write down nice things. Short stories or poems where you pour in your hopes, dreams. 

Its about balance- you can't focus on the heavy stuff constantly or you'll drown, you need to balance it out with hope. I'm betting hope is hard to feel right now, but it will grow and grow and grow until one day you realise that you're going to be ok.

you are going to be ok 🙂

[Neil_1]

Dear Bellosilentium (I was originally going to say what an intriguing name, but had to delete that out, due to me running out of characters, so I’ll make this post shorter, so this can stay in – “what an intriguing name you have”.)  🙂  🙂

It’s been awesome to hear back from you;  it’s always great to hear back from posters who come to the site;  to know a little bit more, therefore we can try to help a little bit more and hopefully our advice can provide some benefit as well.

With your writing/typing down of things, you mentioned how it kind of flared things up a little for you?   I hope that by putting them down and moving on, as in typing further things, that it doesn’t continue to cause you to be disturbed by it.

I think in this case, I would be doing two things:   (a)   doing the full typing up thing into some kind of document for pretty much your eyes only (if that’s how you wish to roll);  and (b)  for any of those issues that you type down that are disturbing for you, to then make a separate document;  kind of dot point arrangement and I’d be taking that along to your Doc or psyche for them to read and for you to tell them, just how it affects you.   Again, just thoughts of mine.

Just putting a different spin on your travellings.  When you say you’ve moved ‘so many’ hours away;   is that (a)  on foot,   (b)  by car   or  (c)  by plane?   I guess, after phoning a friend, I’d probably lock in (b).

Cheers

Neil