I don't know who to talk to about this

[Bellosilentium]

I find it a lot easier to type my feeling than to say them in person.

I feel mostly fine during the day but some days are good and some are bad, I'll have days where I feel very self confident but they never last and they only happen when I don't see anyone I know. 

I am not nervous or afraid of strangers but I am afraid of what the people I know think of me. That said though, I can't work out at a gym because there are people who could be watching me and that makes me nervous but I can play a musical instrument in front of 1000 people quite fine. 

At night time I take forever to go to sleep as my mind is constantly going through situations that have happened in the past and how I felt, reminding me of what I wanted to say ten years ago but couldn't... I find myself making up scenarios of situations in the past and I end up screaming (inside my head) and wanting to rip the people in that scenario apart or rip myself apart because of how I dealt with it then.

Most of the time I insult myself when I do something stupid, I'll think to myself about how I'm a f'ing

loser and an idiot that has no brains, and I'm too stupid. I also never believe when people say I am not stupid and I never believe when someone says they love me. I cannot love myself and I dont believe that anyone can love me because they only see the nice side of me. They don't know the twisted thoughts and feelings I have and if they did they wouldn't love me.

I just feel like nobody can understand me. 

Who do I talk to?

I' m afraid doctors will think I'm just looking for attention and not take me serious, I can't talk to anyone either because I find it so hard to say things in person, I would keep 90% of this to myself if I was not anonymously typing to strangers. And as it is i haven't said everything here. I don't know if this is anxiety or something else? 

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[Neil_1]

Hi there Bello

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and sharing your post.   And I’m with you 100% on it being much easier to write than to talk about things;  put me behind a computer and in front of a keyboard and I’m like a different person.

It’s interesting where you say that you can play a musical instrument in front of so many people, and yet you feel possibly self-conscious at the gym.  Just having a stab here, but with regard to the musical instrument, could it be you feel comfortable there, because you KNOW your instrument & how to play it &therefore you feel confident in what you’re doing.  However, with regard to the gym, could this be because that you’re perhaps not a regular gym goer and may not be so comfortable in that environment, due to perhaps lack of knowledge and experience?

With regard to night-time and sleeping;  is it possible for you to long before bedtime, do up a document and type down as many situations that you can recall from your past and put down everything about them.  How they happened, who was involved, the aftermath, what was said;  and perhaps even, what “could” have been said – as I write this, I would strongly suggest doing this in the morning (or at least sometime well before sleep-time).  Get it all out there and so the process for doing this is that you hopefully have released part of a pressure valve that is turned on and active in your mind about these events & hopefully they won’t dominate your nightly thoughts as much.  If they do try to come to you;   just tell them (either out loud, if you can, or just in your mind) to get the hell out of your mind at this time, and that you’ll deal with it tomorrow.

Bello, let me just say, that though I barely and don’t know you, I can let you know that you are not stupid.  You express yourself articulately and also with emotion, which is a great writing style.  You can play a musical instrument – not a lot of us can say that.

It sounds like you’re unsure about doctors.  Can I please suggest to you that on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of GP’s who can be searched for;  each of these GP’s are experienced in dealing with mental health issues and from that, they would be best placed to give you appropriate referrals for possible medication and/or counselling, if they deem either necessary.  I think this would be a good thing for you to follow up and I would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Beltane]

Hiya, welcome to beyondblue. And well done for finding the courage to post in there forums- we all remember how frightening and isolating it feels when we first realise we may have an anxiety/ depression illness.

I'm not a professional obviously, but yes the symptoms and feelings you are describing are common to depression/ anxiety. 1 in 5 people are diagnosed with a mental illness (most commonly depression/ anxiety) at some point in their lives so you are not alone.
You won't feel this way forever- this can be treated and you will get better, so try to hold on to that. You will feel better than this- back to normal- once you get some treatment.

I think it would be helpful to you right now to look up the Fact Sheets provided on this site- look at the top of the page and click on "The Facts". There are also a few self-tests you can do on those pages. These pages will also give you information on how to seek help.

This isnt your fault. Depression/ anxiety are thought to be caused by chemical imbalances (which is what antidepressants treat), lack of coping skills, trauma or difficult life events in the past/ present (these are why people see counsellors).

If you're not quite ready to see a doctor, can you perhaps give beyondblue a call? Even a quick one. I know it can be very frightening, but they are trained professionals, it is their job to listen to whatever you have to say and help you get further help- they wont judge, mock, laugh, or think you're silly.

A doctor will absolutely take you seriously- again, they're professionals, it is their job to listen, take you seriously, and find you a treatment that is appropriate for you. This can include medications, but not always, and will often be a referral to a counsellor (this is funded by Medicare so it wont cost much money).

I know the thought of going to a counsellor can be very scary. They really are nice people whose job it is to help you in whatever way is the most helpful. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I really like my counsellor (though to be fair, i didn't like the first one i saw- but that's ok, you can just go see another one).

Just so you know, i've been where you are, I really have. I used to say mean things to myself, and have a lot of awful anxious feelings, i used to cry a lot and feel really awful all the time. But i saw a counsellor and got on medication, and I've gotten better.
Now i'm happy, healthy, confident, calm, able to cope with things that used to make me anxious.

[Doolhof]

Hi B,

Thanks for your post. It is not always admitting that you need help, so congratulations to you for putting your story out there for others to read.

You have received some wonderful help and advice from Neil and Beltane. I have read their words and have taken a lot of their advice on-board myself.

I'd just like to add my encouragement to help you seek the help that you need right now. I have personally been struggling big time myself recently, and don't know where I would be right now if I had not reached out to my Dr. my counsellor, friends here at Beyond Blue and people around me.

People want to help, they are there to assist you, you just need to make the first step to contact them.

Wishing you well, from Mrs. Dools

[Bellosilentium]

Thank you for your help everyone. I'm going to take Neil's suggestion and write down everything I can think of that is upsetting me before I go to bed.

I am still concerned about talking to a doctor because I already know I won't know how to talk about this without either breaking down or just walking out because I will be unable to properly express how I feel in person. 

Would it work if I made a list of my feelings and gave it to the doctor to read? 

Unfortunately I have a lot of trouble communicating anything in person whether it be love, hate or fear, and writing it makes it so much easier because I can take the time to say it right. I write a lot of traditional poetry for the sake of expressing my bottled up emotions through the characters, and that helps for a while but of course nobody realises that it's actually how I am feeling so I get no help, and the compliments I am given for the work almost hurt as it feels like people are complimenting me for feeling like this.

I am trying to keep this away from my family as I know they are already under a lot of stress and they don't need this too. 

[Bellosilentium]

To put things in a bit more perspective as well, I tend to be a loner and a traveller. I moved out of my home, on my own and moved 8 hours away last year, then moved 12 hours away from there a month later, and now I am about to move another 18 hours away from here. I love the travel but there is a small fear inside me that the travel is because I'm trying to run away from the things that upset me. But they always come with me wherever I go, I work 12 hour days just to try and keep my mind and body active.

The things in the past feel like questions that have no answers but I'm constantly searching for those answers anyway.

[Beltane]

Well Bello, I can certainly agree with Neil that you seem extremely intelligent and articulate. You write extremely well, and you ask such poignant questions: "am I travelling because I'm running?". I'm sure this is just one of the many deep and interesting questions your mind asks.

i think for many of us, the escape and salvation from our depression and anxiety can be creative expression. In me this is my sewing, and my writing, I pour my emotions into it, allowing them to spark creativity and energy. The process of sewing for me is cathartic, it is healing.

i too love to write. I don't know if you know this, but you can self-publish what you write as an Ebook on Amazon, (so people can read it on their kindle.) I did this, I sold my novel for 99c and got a percentage of profits- can't remember what. Not a bad percentage, I made a few hundred dollars. Anyway that wasn't the point, the point was that I got to publish my novel. I sold a few thousand copies,  I got 11 reviews on Amazon with an average of 4 star rating.

the point of this is.. I wrote that novel when I was in the pit of the worst depression I ever had, and writing it was my escape and my healing all at once. My characters went through terrible times but got their happy ending, just like what I wanted for myself, 

perhaps writing is part of your healing. But as you say, it doesn't actually get you the help you need. 

you could certainly complete one of the self tests found under "The Facts", print out the results and take that to a doctor and explain your difficulty talking your feelings. When you see a counsellor, explain the same and ask if your therapy can be based in writing perhaps- maybe you write and each week the counsellor reads what you have written and verbally expresses her thoughts and ideas, then you go home and write again.

another option is there are online cognitive behavioural therapy courses. I've only ever done them in addition to face-to-face counselling, but they're certainly good courses. Google "MindSpot clinic" they offer a 10 week course funded by Medicare, all done online so no talking- all reading and writing, you only need to talk so far as to enrol in it, I believe.

maybe read some books? I loved a therapy book called "acceptance and commitment therapy" by Dr Russ Harris. The ideas matched my philosophies, and the techniques changed how I lived my life and dealt with my illness.

[Beltane]

Apologies for the double post: I made an error. The book is called "the happiness trap" by Dr Russ Harris. It is based on acceptance and commitment therapy. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Bello,

I too would like to encourage you to write things down to show your Dr. I am sure they come across all kinds of people with different communication skills. I know my Mum writes down every question she wants to ask her Dr. and just reads these out when she gets into his room. I have also know her to write pages of stuff out and to post it to her Dr before she arrives there.

Beltane has given you some great ideas regarding accessing information. It is amazing how diverse and interesting the self help information is on the net!

I do wonder if you are moving away to try to forget the past or if you are seeking a new future, or maybe a bit of both. From my own experiences, I need to deal with the past before I can move into the future, if I desire to do so with out a sack of garbage following me around.

There is nothing wrong with moving on and wanting to experience new and different happenings. Sometimes we just need to stop, look at what we are carrying around with us, deal with it and then move on again with a lighter load.

Here's hoping you can continue your journey without too much baggage!

From Mrs. Dools

[Bellosilentium]

Thank you so much for all the help.

I will see a doctor and suggest writing as a main method of communication (for my part) 

However I tried writing down the things that are bothering me, situations in the past and scenarios etc. a lot of them disturb me just to write them.

I could not finish as the more I wrote the more I realised that the things that are really hurting me are the things I don't think about, the things I'm blocking and refusing to face. I think a lot of the other things I'm thinking, whilst they are distressing enough themselves, are a distraction from what I'm trying to avoid. 

maybe I just need practice writing it down to get more used to it. Once these things are written down I don't care if a doctor or therapist sees everything on the page, but as I said I would have to physically force myself to even think some things let alone write them. I know the reason for that is I keep telling myself to block anything that hurts me and remove all emotion. So I never go through the stress and get it out of my system, when I have to go back and think about anything I've blocked it tends to hurt even more.

I will have a look at the book that Beltane suggested (thank you again)

Perhaps the more I think about what I'm doing wrong the more confused I'm getting, trying to deal with this myself has only gotten me to the stage I am at now.