I don't know what to title this

[Noomy]

Hi there.

I have a feeling I will like the anonymity of these forums, as it allows me to be to be straight forward.

i have been struggling with depression and anxiety since around year four to year five. I am now in year 12. I haven't expirienced any massive amounts of trauma, and my childhood was actually quite good. But unfortunately, my symptoms have been getting worse as time goes on, to the point now where I feel utterly hopeless. I have seen two mental health people about it, but neither of them really helped me out. I am in a very vague and confused place where I find it hard to even think. I feel like I'm going utterly insane.

I find that I get so angry at little things. Like if someone says something off or tells me to "shut up" I get so angry to the point where I want to hit them, although I never would, as I hate violence. even things that aren't directed at me but is silly or stupid gets me angry, e.g. A high end auction done in the main part of a city (as I see it as showing off and insensitive).

 I hate the people at my school and I don't have many (if any) friends other than my girlfriend. The people at my school at one stage or another have all spoken badly about me behind my back or stabbed me in the back. As far as I know, every "best friend" I've ever had hates me now, after they have spoken about me behind my back. But hey, maybe I deserve it. I try my hardest to be nice and a good person and I try my best to not talk about anyone badly, but hey, everyone says that don't they. I have no concept of who I am as a person so I have no idea if I just deserve what I get. If I do anything wrong I ALWAYS try and apologise for it. No matter who it is. 

im in a very tough place at the moment, I feel like I'm slowly getting worse and going more insane for no reason whatsoever, and I feel beyond hopeless. I've taken a few online depression surveys and it says I'm at a "moderately severe" depression level and a "high" anxiety level if that means anything at all (I know those things are pointless but I don't know what else to do) I don't even know if I want to get better. I just feel stuck where I am with no way of moving forward.

 If you've made it this far, thanks for reading the stupid online ramblings of an idiot/insane idiot. I don't really know what Im expecting, but I guess I can try haha. Have a great day/night 

Noomy

[Doolhof]

Hi Noomy,

Thanks so much for sharing your story here. There have been other posts by people much the same age as you and in a similar situation. There is a guy posting by the name of Liam. You might want to look up his threads. He has been given some great suggestions over time. You might find some of them helpful.

Okay, so you have seen two mental health people and don't feel like they have helped you much. Have you been to a Dr? Can you return to the Dr and ask for an appointment to see a psychiatrist or psychologist who may be able to diagnose your condition?

Sharing your situation with others here at Beyond Blue may be helpful for you. It is a great place to off load and to receive help, acceptance, suggestions and advice.

Are there groups or clubs in your area that you could join? Do you play sports at all? Are you finding year 12 school work difficult? Are there school counsellors you could talk with?

I know it is very tough not taking on board what other people say, but it helps if you can let that rotten stuff go. Are the people really saying stuff behind your back or are you believing that they are?

How does your girlfriend treat you? Does she believe people are saying stuff about you? Do you go out just the two of you or in a small group of people?

Checking out the surveys isn't always a good idea! Sometimes they make you feel worse than when you first started to enquire about them.

Maybe try looking up depression and anxiety and how to cope with it and deal with it. The more information we have about something, the better we can handle the situation.

Hopefully you will receive more answers  here. I'm not good at remembering who wrote what other wise I would direct you to some other helpful posts.

I hope you feel welcomed here on the Beyond Blue Forum and welcome to the family here!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools, Lauren

[Noomy]

Thank you for your reply Lauren.

Ive been to several doctors and am currently on medication and have been for about a year. I've been properly diagnosed (rather than councillors saying "I think you have depression) for about 4 years now. my bad I forgot to mention that in the first post. My girlfriend is my life at the moment, she's lovely and she is alot of the reason I've stayed strong through these tough feelings. She treats me very well and cares for me a lot. She has commented on the way people treat me, saying she has noticed some people treat me badly, but part of it would definently be in my head like you have said. 

At the moment the school councilor is the only person I've been able to talk to. She is great and the only professional I get along with. But she can't really help me, it's more of a "get stuff of my chest" session. She's actually the one who recommended these forums.

I used to be play football and basketball but lately all I want to do is watch anime/YouTube and play video games, I've only recently started doing excesise. There was too many parents being idiots at football for me to enjoy it, yelling stuff out like "kill em!" And "beat him up you pussy" to kids and it makes me sick.

Very true about the surveys. One of them I did was on the beyond blue website, but I don't take that stuff 100% as I do or don't, I just needed some sort of rough estimation of where I'm at, for just a bit of clarity. I'm not using it to self diagnose by any stretch of the Imagination.

once again, thank you for your kind reply, it does mean a lot to me. I will search up those posts you were talking about earlier. Thanks,

Noomy

[Doolhof]

Hi Noomy,

I have just been reading your post. It sounds to me like you are a well grounded guy who seems to know what you are dealing with and who wants to make changes to get the most out of life.

It is wonderful you have a very supportive girlfriend. What about your family? Can you chat with them about how you are feeling or is that just a bit too awkward?

I'm now 50 and have never felt able to chat with my parents about personal stuff or mental health issues. I have friends I chat with and this forum is great also.

Please feel free to share what ever you want to or feel like you need to. We are all anonymous here, so that helps some people be more open.

My husband and I weren't able to have children, so have never experienced what it is like at sporting events these days but have certainly heard a few reports of poor behaviour from parents and spectators.

Regarding exercise, do you and your girlfriend like to go walking, jogging, bike riding, rock climbing or going to the gym? Of course a lot of it depends on how much money you have, but walking is always free!

Hopefully the students at school will decide to just leave you alone. My older niece had a horrid time at school being picked on relentlessly so she ended up moving to a different school. When her sister started at the same school, some of the bullies were still there and started to pick on her. I don't remember exactly what she said to them, something along the lines of " I am not interested in anything you have to say" and she walked away from them. End of story. They didn't get a reaction from her, so they quit trying.

Hope some of this helps!

Cheers for now from Lauren