Struggling to believe I will get better

[kjs]

Hi all

 I am really struggling at the moment to actually believe that I will get better. I haven't made much progress at all with managing my anxiety and depression, even though I am trying so hard! Suicidal thoughts are also getting me down. I know that its the depression having those thoughts, not me, and I have no intention on acting on them. I'm just sick of them coming into my head and making me feel like I shouldn't be here.

I am weeks behind in my course now and I am yet to organise work placement, which is causing great amounts of stress. Every time I look at my course books I just cry because it just feels so far out of my reach. 

I know that people get better from this, how can I make myself see that I will too? 

Hope you are all doing okay

Kelly

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[EllieRawr]

Hi kjs!

I have never used this site before, so please forgive me if my post isn't completely helpful. But I joined because I read your post and I can relate to it so much! I know how hard it is, I struggle with depression and anxiety too. I have for my whole life but only really realised a few years ago. And even though I have been seeing a psychologist for several years, I still go in and out of periods where I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. It is the most horrible feeling, like being trapped in a deep pit that you cannot get out of no matter how hard you try.

I'm a uni student too, and my grandfather passed away a couple weeks ago. I am sooo behind in my work and every time I even think about the massive pile of assignments I have due I burst into tears. It is seriously distressing. So, I guess my first point is that you are not alone; there are so many of us out here who feel the same way. And even though it is something debilitating and feels like it will never end, it will.

If you haven't seen a psychologist/counsellor/person who can help you I would really recommend it. If you are against that (for whatever reason) then I find that meditation helps alot. And meditation isn't necessarily sitting on the floor with your legs crossed and humming to yourself. I don't know if this is helpful to you, you may have already tried, but I find guided imagery and progressive muscle relaxation to be really helpful. 

I know that it is hard to escape from yourself, and that's exactly what it feels like you're trying to do at times, but I promise it will get better. You just need to start organising things (like with your uni); for example, get a year calendar that you can put on a wall and see every single day in the near future. Mark out when things are due and start figuring out what is your number one priority. Then mark out the days you need to do the assignment and slowly work through them. Don't think about the stress, just try and relax and slowly work through things. If you don't hand something in, or its late, its not the end of everything. You can fix it. Also, alot of educational establishments have special consideration policies in place for people with ongoing mental health issues, like depression or anxiety. So try check that out; you may be eligible for extensions or supplementary assesments.

I hope that helps, or at least gives you somewhere to start. It will get better. And when it does you will be stronger than anyone. 

[kjs]

Hi EllieRawr

Thank you for getting back. I am sorry to hear about your grandfather, and I really hope you are doing okay. 

My course is an online cert 3 in veterinary nursing. I didn't think it would be so hard but I think being online it's really hard to get help. 

I see a psychologist and psychiatrist every 1-3 weeks and I meditate regularly. I'm currently doing Mindful in May. You should check it out, it's very good!  

I just feel that because I am already getting so much help I should be seeing an improvement. I'm also getting really short with my family. I have 3 sisters so its a bit of a full house! And I don't want to push them away like I have recently pushed my boyfriend away. 😞 

I am going to try all of your advice, so thank you for that!

[geoff]

dear Kelly, thanks for joining the BB forum and this also goes for Ellie who has indeed replied to you in a knowledgeable way, and I do hope that she can stay with us.

At the moment you are not capable of continuing your studies, and I mean no harm by saying this, so I would approach your teacher or head of the uni and ask whether or not you can defer your course, and if this does happen then that will be one issue off your mind.

You have to realise the strength that depression has on anybody, it virtually stops us in our tracks, unable to achieve anything, it's not your fault, it's the disease or illness that does it.

It can be overcome but to everybody it's a different period and never the same, it depends on many factors, how you cope with the medication and how good your psych is being able to understand your needs.

Take a break the course will always be there to finish, but your desire won't be there to complete the course, as most of us change after overcoming depression, because we have different strategies, change of circumstances and maybe new ideas.

I would also suggest going to your doctor and seeking their opinion, and they can also start the ball rolling for you in terms of some counselling.

Hope to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Murrigirl]

Hi Kelly,

 Remember what you are feeling is normal when you feel depressed.  I look at my depression like a ever expanding balloon.  And sometimes - no amount of medication, councilling or support seems to make a difference, and peace is out of our grasps, but we still feel like we do.  Why?  Because life doesn't stop.  And everyday things come into our lives that create more pressure in our already expanding balloon.

Depression doesnt stop with medication.  Nor councilling nor any help you get.  So there is never too much help you can get.  Depression does hoever get easier to manage with this help. So don't beat yourself up that even with all this assistance you seem to still feel lost in this illness.

I live by lists (which do make my life easier) - I priorities even the simplisest tasks such as shopping or houseowrk.  I aim to completed three things on my priority list.  My most important things for the day.  If the rest doesn't get done, I reassess the next day.

Study is difficult.  My issue is going to work.  I too cry everytime I have to go to work.  I actually have a good job, and supportive work collegues, but the pressure on me on top of everything else seems too great.

So even at work I need to have my priority lists.  Maybe look at your study like that. 

Kelly you are not alone, and we are all here if you want to say hello and seek help. 

Sunshine helps, I try and get out as much as possible, walking, sitting outside to work, and just spebding time in nature.  I find being locked indoors actually makes me worse.  Maybe pack up that lap top, your books and go to the beach, find a lovely shady spot and start working.  Amazing what comes to you when its not bouncing of negative walls blocking your inspirational flow.

Keep smiling 🙂 it is a rough road, one I haven't managed to get off just yet, but I am trying to make it as gentle a ride as I can.

[kjs]

Thank you Geoff and Murrigirl,

I am trying the priority list. Today I am going to redo my assignment that I didn't pass, without dwelling on it too much! I will do the housework before my family gets home, and I will go to work this afternoon and make the most of it. 

I took my dogs to the beach the other day and it was just the 3 of us. It was one of the best few hours I have had in such a long time. I wish every hour of every day could be like that! 

I feel like if I deferred my studies I would be giving up and letting the depression win? I'm not sure. I will speak to my psychologist about it on Friday and see what she thinks.

Thank you all for your support. I hope you are all doing okay too 

[EllieRawr]

Hey Kelly,

Remember not to push yourself; don't expect anything of yourself other than what you have already achieved! You can't predict when you will "see results"; partially because you wont actually see them, but others will! And there is not set way that people grow with respect to dealing with mental health. Some can find instantaneous relief, others, such as myself, will take years before they can get to a strong head space. So don't be too hard on yourself, you never know what you are capable of. Just keep at it - and don't stop. 

Most people will stop seeing someone once they feel they are ​better; this is a terrible mistake. This is when you should be firmly cementing the concepts in your mind, and you should keep seeing your therapist.

Otherwise, I hope your course is going well, you are taking the right steps and it will pay off. I promise 🙂 just be sure to celebrate all the little achievements you make: 
 - I just realised that I was being anxious/sad, I thought of it a bit and I got myself out of that thought process.

That is a victory! Celebrate it! 🙂

Keep at it lovely, it will pay off. 

xx EllieRawr

[kjs]

Hi EllieRawr,

Thank you again for your reply! What you are saying is so similar to what my psychiatrist always tells me. He says to me not to focus on the outcome but to focus and enjoy the process. I haven't learnt to do that very well with my course yet, so I have deferred it for a little until I can concentrate and get the most out of it. 

Well done on your victory too!! I hope to be able to do that!! Practicing hard 🙂 

I had a lot of trouble with that yesterday actually. I had work at the vet clinic in the afternoon and had worked myself up all day about it and cried the whole 50 minute drive there. It was very noticeable so I then had to speak to the boss about it who was thankfully very supportive but it still took me at least an hour to settle down and stop shaking! But I have taken another step to help myself with things like this. I am starting an anxiety management program tomorrow which runs every Thursday for 10 weeks. 

Keep celebrating your victories, because that makes me so happy seeing other people improve! 🙂 

Kelly