I don't know what is going on. I think I may be crazy.

lynalli · ‎16-12-2014

Hi,

For some reason I want to be depressed. I know this is stupid and I shouldn't, but I can't help it. My head hurts when I try to comprehend why I could possibly want to be depressed.

I do not mean to devalue anyone else by saying this, but I just can't help it. I think I've lost my mind. Surely someone wouldn't wish to have depression? Yet I do wish that. It's a crazy thought. I have times when I feel down, and times when I'm extremely happy and normal, however I always seem to have that worm in the back of my head wishing I was depressed - even when I'm feeling down. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not crazy, losing my sanity. Common sense tells me no I shouldn't do such and such, but my heart tells me something else. I'm just so confused and don't know what to do! Is this attention seeking without knowing it? I've asked myself that but I've never been an attention. seeking person and do not wish for attention.

Once again, I do not mean to offend anyone. I'm sorry if I have but I am genuinely wondering what is going on here. I understand how serious things like this are/can be so please don't perceive this as something it's not.

Thanks,

Lillian 🙂

(Also, I don't know if I put this I. the right category - I'm new. If the spacing is messed up, that's because I copied and pasted from Notes on my phone)

Zeal · ‎16-12-2014

Hi Lillian,

I haven't actually read a post like this before on beyond blue. Don't worry though, feeling this way doesn't make you crazy. I also don't think you would have offended anyone 🙂 I'm certainly not offended.

I am no psychologist (though I'm studying psychology at uni), but from your description you don't seem to have a particular mental illness (but always talk to a professional if you are concerned). It could be attention-seeking (not in the conventional sense), but in the sense that maybe you feel unnoticed or are confused about your identity or aspects of yourself.

Perhaps you are overwhelmed by something going on in your life, and so are seeking ways to escape the situation? This seems to me to be the most logical explanation, but as I don't know you and don't know enough about your life and your situation to make a judgement, this is just a hunch. Talking to someone close to you or to your GP could shed some light on your dilemma.

If you don't mind me asking, are you in your teenage years, or have you recently finished school or uni? It just helps to know the context of your situation 🙂

I hope something I have said has sparked a thought which could lead to some elucidation,

SM

geoff · ‎17-12-2014

dear Lynalli, I'd like to welcome you to to this site and thank you for posting your comment, but firstly can I say is that your not crazy, although there are many people who do call people with depression crazy, but it's just a tag that's all.

Sometimes what you are saying can actually happen, and yes it did for me occasionally, because it meant that I didn't have to make any hard decisions, well I couldn't, I didn't have the strength or the ability to do so, and if I did then it wouldn't be the right choice, because I was depressed.

This actually pleased me, because I only wanted to be alone, didn't want to go out or rather dragged out so by being depressed kept me at home 90% of the time.

Feeling like this can change when we find a psych who can relate to what we are talking about, and it can happen with a friend or family member as long as we feel comfortable explaining to them what we are going through.

I'll wait until other replies come in, as well as to answer SM's questions, because it is as important as everything else. L Geoff. x

lynalli · ‎24-01-2015

Sorry I took so long to reply, I've been meaning to but last time I tried my page reloaded and since then I haven't gotten around to it.

To answer your question, SM, I'm in my earlier teenage years - so this could possibly be put down hormones.

I''ve never really been a person to want any attention but is it possible for a person to unconsciously wish for something whIle the other half of you that is aware wished the opposite?

As for being overwhelmed, last year (gosh it's 2015 now) I did change schools and was thrown into an environment with around 1000 more people than what I was used to...

Geoff, I'm not really sure how to respond to what you have said, but I do understand what you mean by the decisions, not wanted to leave the house and such.

Once again, sorry for the late reply, I wasn't trying to ignore you 🙂

-Lillian

Gia13 · ‎27-01-2015

Hi Lillian,

You're not crazy for wishing yourself to be depressed. I myself am depressed and I have had a major problem with wishing bad events on myself. For example, I sometimes wish I have cancer. Or I wish my best friend or a family member died. I wish all sorts of horrible things and I just can't control them.

In a way, I think I want these things to occur so I have a genuine reason to feel and act the way I do. I wonder if that sounds at all familiar to you? I don't really know anything about you but is there times where you feel a certain way or do something you don't have a reason for? Perhaps you feel particularly sad or angry at times, or you have ignored your friends and family with or without knowing why.

Just a suggestion but let me reassure you, thinking this way does not make you crazy in any way.

All the best,

Gia.

lynalli · ‎21-02-2015

Thanks , Gia.

What you said makes some sense to me. I've wished bad things would happen, but I've never thought of it as a say, wish for justification.

Also, just an small update on my original post, too; I've been feeling better but worse as well. If that makes any sense.

Doolhof · ‎28-02-2015

Hi Lillian,

Thanks for your very open post relating to how you are feeling. As a teenager I had all kinds of weird and wonderful thoughts going through my mind ranging from suicide, to running away, wishing my parents were dead, to wanting a dreadful disease.

I didn't share these thoughts or the connecting emotions with anyone, just lived with them and never asked my friends or sisters if they had similar thoughts or not.

My thoughts stemmed from feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere and from dramas that were happening in our house at the time.

Do you believe you have always felt this way or has some moment in time made you think like this?

If you are really honest with yourself, are you struggling with something right now that you don't know how to mention to anyone or do you think it is just that you have a very active mind that thinks lots of different ways?

If you do consider anything to be a problem or concern then please share it with someone and ask for advice.

The sooner we sort out our problems, the sooner we find solutions and can then get on with our lives again.

I hope some of this helps! I certainly don't know you, so I may be way off track here!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

lynalli · ‎12-03-2015

Thanks for your reply, Doolhof.

I haven't really felt like I didn't fit in, instead I just kind of feel inadequate compared to my friends and such.

Recently I've been having stomach problems and my anxiety's resurfaced. I have trouble getting to school and that's not exactly helping. I have an appointment with a counsellor next week though, but I'm afraid about bringing up anything else that's not anxiety (Hmm... I wonder why?).

I do also believe that I have an active mind so I guess you could say it's both...?

Either way, thank you for you once again for your answer 🙂

Lillian.

I just noticed that this has gone slightly off topic - Oops. Are topic changes against forum rules?

Doolhof · ‎16-03-2015

Hi Lillian,

Firstly, I am not 100 % sure about the rules, but I believe that as you started this thread, you can take it where ever you want to.

The moderators check everything. Sometimes if another person joins in the chat and they go totally off in a different tangent, it may be suggested they start a new post of their own so people will then relate to their needs.

Regarding inadequacy, I think a lot of us feel that at some stage of our lives and that is fine. The thing is to not let it get to you and to try and realise we are all individuals. We all have our own talents and personalities.

I hope the appointment with the counsellor goes well next week. The person you are seeing has probably heard all sorts of stories and experiences, so if there is something you really need to share, then they would be the person to share it with.

Sometimes it may be a sense of fear, guilt, embarrassment or confusion that makes us feel like we can't share our deepest thoughts with our counsellors.

Hope you can get some strategies to help with your anxiety.

I will be keen to read how you get on!

Hope you are feeling a bit better and you had a nice weekend.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

lynalli · ‎23-03-2015

Thank you once again for your reply, and we'll wishings!

The appointment with the counselor didn't go too badly, but it was mostly just preliminary (probably not the right word, only one I couldn't think of though) things. I'm still worried to bring up anything else though - especially with my mother I'm the room. I also met with a naturopath since I've been sick, and she suggested Rescue Remedy for when I'm anxious. It's really helped a lot.

I'm unfortunately beginning to feel like I did when I first began this thread... Not sure why though 😞

Hope you had a good weekend too,

Lillian