I don't know anymore

[miklos122]

Lately I have been feeling really bad. Constant feelings of unreasonable guilt, unworthiness, paranoia. I have feelings that I wake up everyday not feeling any happiness and that I want to go back to bed, yet even staying in bed doesn’t make me feel any better. There is a sense in me and knowing for a fact that once you have something wrong with you mentally no one can actually cure it for you but yourself, no matter if you talk to GP’s, Psychologists or Psychiatrists, nothing can actually make you feel better inside, because of how subjective everyones experiences with these “Mental” issues are. I have tried to explain as best as I could how I was feeling inside to the GP and my parents: “It feels like a constant battle. I get no excitement from anything, even the things that normally would get me exited/happy/motivated don’t do anything. I feel emotionally empty inside, with constant feelings of apathy, it makes my current day to day life seem like i’m on an autopilot mode - Waking up going to do some “fun” activities (that I normally would get happy by) And school, just more Autopilot - doing the work, trying to avoid all the negative voices in my head (“Look at everyone so happy, not you, you don’t feel any enjoyment to do anything”) Putting on fake smiles and forcing myself to laugh - to jokes that people would normally find funny. GP just says "it's a chemical imbalance" - Well is it? Or is it a way of covering up the fact that Depression isn't actually biologically treatable. Besides the use of SSRI's and talk therapy, there isn't any other way of getting rid of this debilitating "Mental illness". "It's up to you to think positive and get better" This feeling is very unrealistic to those who haven’t felt them. It makes you want to always contemplate your existence and life - Because it hinders with your memory (STM/LTM), your communication (feeling forced to speak, can’t laugh naturally), waking up in the morning everyday not feeling genuinely happy and interested in anything anymore - Making me more unmotivated to do school work and participate in the activities that would normally make me feel good.You loose feelings of genuine happiness and love/attraction to others. It is debilitating - Your mind is in a spiral that you can't get out of. - You can only put on the fake smile and pretend to be happy. (But realistically you feel dead inside)

[White_Rose]

Dear Miklos

Hello and welcome. It's a smart move to write on the BB forum about your feelings, lack of motivation to join in any activities, guilt, paranoia, unworthiness and the constant battle to convince yourself you are well. There are so many people who write in here with the same or similar experiences as you.

To some extent you are right in saying you are the only person who can cure you. It's certainly true that if you do nothing and refuse to let others help you it will take a long time to become well, perhaps never. Talking therapy is one way to get help and can be a powerful force.

We all have our own experiences of mental ill-health but we also share many of the same symptoms. In particular we experience the pain of not fitting in, being ignored because no one can 'see' your pain, treated as though you are stupid or a flat denial that there is something amiss. We are already in trouble with our mental health (MH) and we often hide how we are to avoid further hurt.

Some practical steps for you. I presume you have not had a diagnosis of depression, which it seems is the difficulty, not taking any medication or receiving any therapy. These are the main ways we have to get better. If you go to the top of the page and hover over The Facts you will get a drop down list. It will point you to information about depression and anxiety which you may find helpful. You will also find the K10 checklist. Please complete this several times at different times of the day and see what sort of score you get. This is not a diagnostic tool but can give an indication of how you are travelling. I suggest you take this to your GP. Also take any notes you have made about how you feel.

Yes, I have felt dead inside, crawled back to bed hoping I can sleep away my pain, put up with people telling me to think positively and also, which makes me laugh, saying it's all in the mind. Well, where else?

Start with the checklist and see your GP. I know in general they are good at listening and know how to help. If they brush you off then go to another GP.

Another resource for you is the Kids Helpline. The title is a bit unfortunate for older students but it's a good place to start. They help young people up to the age of 25. www.kidshelpline.com.au and a 24/7 helpline 1800 55 1800. Have a chat. Come and tell us a bit more about yourself, we are always here.

Mary