I don't feel like I fit in anymore

[Tulllly]

So, I've been feeling this way for a while but have kind of just pushed the thoughts away and told myself it is not the end of the world.

I feel like I don't really have my place, I don't really fit in in any specific friendship group. Everyone has their special clique who they are really close with but then I feel like I'm almost on the exterior just watching as everyone else exists. I'm not saying I don't have any friends, what I'm saying is that out of those friends I don't really know where I 'belong' or where I fit, as I'm friends with many different types of people. Maybe that's just me being selfish, because I'm sure there's people out there who would kill to have a friend or two but I just don't know, I can't comprehend what I am feeling.

My best friend who I can 100% say always has my back and we will always be close and I trust, she went away on holiday with a group of friends who prior to that holiday I would consider not all that close and if I weren't away at the time myself I would have gone on the trip with them. Anyway, since their trip they are all super, super close and they hang out really frequently and because I didn't go on that trip with them I'm kind of just left in the dust. Sure she makes an effort to invite me to hang out with them occasionally but I don't feel welcome or wanted. I'm almost just some chick who tagged along and no one really knows. Its such a sucky feeling and I'm sure if I spoke to her about it shed make more of an effort. But even then do I really want to surround myself with these people who are always moody and drug crazed? I don't know if I could ever get truly close with them, because of that barrier in that I don't know if I can truly be myself around them because I'm just not interested in what they are anymore.

Then there's the group I'm friends with who are the complete opposite, we have a fun time together and Im always invited to hangout with them but there's just not that emotional connection that I have with other friends. Everything feels so surface level, almost like a facade like am I really friends with these people or do I just hangout with them because I have no one else.

Of course there's those friends you will always be friends with you can go without seeing them for months and when you see them its like nothings changed, but again i'm not going to see them daily they are just one face in the crowd

I guess I'm just trying to voice my opinions but has anyone else experienced this feeling?

[Croix]

Dear Tulllly~

Welcome here. It has been a bit of a wait for a reply, please be assured it is not you -or anything you are talking about - it is the system which does not always do things as we would like.

You have given a very clear description of the circumstances and how you feel. One group in which you are an integral part, but whose interests and manner do not quite 'gel' with you.

Another that seems almost to have taken over your best friend -even though she tries. Plus their being moody and taking drugs is something any person would want to avoid, you sound very sensible there.

OK, so you do not know where you fit. I'd like to make a suggestion, you may not agree.

From reading your post it looks to me that you are trying to find your place in the world and who you are based upon other people, their actions and views.

I had a bit of an advantage, I went to umpteen different schools as my parents moved around, and as a result relied more upon myself. I still made friends and enjoyed their company, but there was me too, my interests, my satisfactions and my reactions to others, and of course this was a constant, wherever I was.

You sound as if you are getting to that more adult stage in life where you are seeing the shortcomings on relying totally on others, and more on yourself - which is why you are questioning your identity and maybe feeling a little lost.

Beyond that if you are lucky you find one or two who are constant, you 'click', have affection for and know the are reliable -the same sort of things you offer them. That just happens, no idea how to seek them out.

Do you think the above makes any sort of sense?

Croix

[sharonemiz]

Hi Tulllly,

I know how it feels to be left out. When I was in year 9 (its been 10 years!) I had a group of friends that I would hang out with and over the summer holidays they would meet up at the shopping centre and they would never forget about me and it wasn't until later that day where I saw photos on Facebook. I was utterly upset. Not only that they invited someone else from another school instead. Just after I graduated from school one of my friends mentioned her and she asked if I met her and I said no but I told her the story and she was shocked and upset that it happened. You are not alone in this!!!

[therising]

Hi Tulllly

Relationships can be pretty complex at times but I suppose, at the end of the day, they pretty much come down to how we relate.

If a group of friends go off on a holiday together, they're going to return with experiences and vibes they can each relate to, perhaps leaving us feeling like we're not really plugged into their vibe. If friends are more into drugs and drinking, rather than seeking out the natural highs in life, this too will impact our relationship with them/how we relate to them.

We tend to vibe with our tribe, those folk who hold the same sort of energy as us. So, I suppose, we have to ask our self at times 'What's my vibe like at the moment?' I say 'at the moment' because our vibes typically shift on a regular basis, depending on a variety of factors. Myself, I used to be a bit of a drinker in my youth but these days I'm a gal who tends to get drunk on life instead. I never quite click with the drinking tribes when I go out to functions.

In regard to emotional connections: I like to define emotion as 'energy in motion'. If the energy inside me isn't connecting with the energy outside of me, it can definitely leave me feeling disconnected at times.

I did an interesting exercise with my 16yo daughter some weeks back. I asked her to name all the qualities she looks for in a friend. She offered a thoughtful list of wonderful qualities such as someone who can be them self, someone who can be honest, responsible, compassionate, thoughtful, fun and so on. It was quite a long list. I then suggested to her that she look at these traits and ask whether they are the traits she longs to have within herself. She read the list and smiled. Yes, she wishes to be her most authentic self , to be honest, responsible an so on. In many cases, the people we most identify with are those who reflect our own authentic most desired nature.

If you can't relate to the drug scene and moodiness, it's most likely because this is not you. If you can't relate to feeling excluded, I imagine it's because you're someone who likes to thoughtfully include people in conversations or experiences. And if you can't relate to surface level type friendships, perhaps that's because you're a soulful person to some degree. Maybe, you're in the challenging process of finding your self, your true self. Self questioning is often a part of the process in coming to understand who we truly are.

Take care 🙂