I don't feel like a have a home

[onespeck]

For the past week, my parents had been on holiday which I definitely believe they need as it's been quite the stressful time for them, and so me and my younger brother had been staying over our cousin's place whilst my older brother looked after the house himself. During this time, at school we've been looking through a new module for Standard English, Exploring Interactions, and it had got me thinking about my sense of home. Did I feel at home? Is the house I live in with my family what I call home? I felt so guilty questioning this and I feel just as guilty now. Anyways, after staying at my cousin's place, I had noticed many differences between my family and my cousin's. My uncle and auntie appeared a lot happier, more positive and supportive in the sense that they helped me out without being annoyed or bothered. At home, it's a bit more tense and 'colder'.

I know my parents didn't have the best upbringing. My mum lived with her older sister and treated her like a servant when she was in high school and her parents were a poor influence, alcoholics, gamblers and kind of abusive. My dad's parents were very kind but poor, so it was hard to get by. And so with this, I can see how my parent's upbringing has influenced them, most particularly my mum. She's not a terrible person but she gets annoyed a bit more easily and is quite controlling. Basically, I feel constantly guilty for being an inconvenience and of little help around the house. Our house is quite large, so we all have to help out but school and looking after my younger brother with his poor organisation and independence has been stressful. My mum gets so angry with me not helping out and says how ungrateful I am for not being able to appreciate what we currently have.

I'm at home now for one night before I stay at my cousin's for the last week. At 4pm, my mum video chatted me on Facebook and she told me about the shoes she got me for formal but I couldn't see them because their picture wasn't appearing. Agitated, I re-did the video chat, saw the pictures of the shoes and told her they were beautiful. She got angry at me as I mentioned I was sleepy and got more annoyed when she saw there was a plate I used on the table. At this point, I kind of broke. I ended the chat, fell asleep on the couch and woke up late in the day crying hysterically. I love my parents but I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel I have a "home" and the guilt's tearing me apart.

[SubduedBlues]

Hi OneSpeck, welcome to BB

When I was young, I always thought that my cousins parents were nicer, better, and more loving of each other than mine were. I thought that my cousins house was more of a home than mine. Later, when I was an adult, I learnt that my cousins were envious of me and my parents. They wished that their parents were a stricter and more focused on teach them life skills and discipline than just being the 'fun' adults whose life focused on the children's happiness.

I guess it's: the grass is always greener on the other side. We long for that which we don't have, and take for granted that which we do. As a parent, I tried to be halfway between my parents and my aunt/uncle. My kids think that their cousin's parents are way cooler than me and their mom,

As a parent, we try to teach our children those important lessons that we had and those that we missed out on. We try to prepare our children for life, the best way that we (ourselves) know how. We don't always get it right, and what we think is important may not be what you think is important, But we're trying.

I think you should to ask yourself: for each of your parents, if you were to look at their lives growing up, what do you think was important to them, what did they miss out on, and what did they wish their parents had done for them. And then consider if possibly that is what they are endeavoring to do for you.

Home is where you go each night, to feel part of the family. All homes are different. Some are more/less loving, warmer, colder, easier, harder, nicer, uglier, newer, older, safer, less safe, comfortable or uncomfortable than others. But it is our home, it is where we belong, and we are part of that biological / adoptive / foster family. Homes can be houses, apartments, flats, sheds, tents, towns, states, countries, whatever.

As long as you have somewhere to go, and/or someone to share it with, you will always have a home.

Best wishes friend.

SB