I can't tell if I'm faking all my problems subconsciously or not

[cinnamonbunny]

Id say I haven’t gone through any serious trauma at all, but I do have quite a bad case of gifted kid burnout syndrome. Nothing is even explicitly wrong with my life.

My main issue is that whenever I feel any negative emotions (mostly sadness) I feel like I haven’t gone through enough to actually “deserve the right” to feel these bad emotions, which leads to me hating myself which leads to me wondering if I actually hate myself or if I’m just subconsciously doing it for attention. This then leads to me sort of wishing I HAD gone through serious trauma or something just to justify me feeling sad, because otherwise I feel selfish and feel like I’m taking up space, and I understand that wanting to go through something traumatic is bad but I feel like that’d be the only way I could actually understand why I feel bad, because right now whenever I cry or feel down I feel like I haven’t earned the right to feel this way.

At times i feel like i'm faking whatever i'm feeling subconsciously because I want attention, and while i'm pretty sure it's not true that awful feeling is still there and it's driving me nuts. I don't know if every internal problem I have is fake and thinking about it makes me feel even worse.

I'm not sure what I particularly want out of this, but maybe reassurance would be nice.

Thank you, 🙂

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I dont know your age (I'm 65yo) but in my late teens and 20's I went through a long period of sadness. I'd easily get triggered by most things. If I saw a bird flying or feeding its chick, if I saw a rainbow etc. I never believed it was an illness.

At 53yo I was diagnosed with (apart from bipolar, anxiety and depression) a n illness called dysthymia.

I'm not suggesting you have dysthymia but it is an example of how an illness can be present and not be treated.

The very first thing for you to do is to visit your GP and explain your symptoms. Take it from there.

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Cinnamonbunny~

I'd like to join Tony WK in welcoming you here, it's a good move as sometimes it is not possible to judge oneself with clear eyes, it takes someone else. You are not to blame, your feelings are real, and you are pretty brave in talking about it all - I'm glad you came.

Forgive me if I summarize what your life is like in a few words. I know it is a huge part of your life but want to try to list the things

You feel sad, you feel unhappy, you cry and it is taking over. Because you have heard such feelings come about for a reason you can identify, such as trauma, and you can see no reason you get to the stage of blaming yourself, of feeling guilty, of thinking it may be all for attention and you are simply a bad or less worthy person. You even doubt yourself so you wonder if you are faking.

It simply does not work that way, I had everything one could (reasonably) want in life and yet I followed the same path. And if you looked in some of the other threads here you will find there are many who "have it all", yet cannot enjoy or fall into despair and hopelessness or are simply feeling lost.

The feelings you have are real and need to be dealt with so that you can enjoy a happy life - yes there is one out there as I found.

I could not fix myself, I simply kept on getting worse, and actually left things too long which made matters worse. I did get a lot better - as I am now, but it took medical help, plus support at home.

Can I suggest the first step is to tell someone who can do something about it? Now that might be one of your parents or other family member - what do you think? Maybe you get on well with your mum and can try to explain to her. She may not understand fully but it should be enough to get you in to see a doctor, which is a start.

If nobody at home is OK how about school (I'm assuming you are at school or uni)? It could be a councilor or favorite teacher you have come to trust.

If you want to openly talk or web-chat to someone who is not connected with your life I'd suggest the Kids Help Line, (1800 55 1800) or

https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

They are pretty good, you can go there more than once and that are realistic and will understand exactly what you are going though.

You know you can come right here and talk as often as you want, or browse around the Young People Section which you are in now and see if there are others in your situation you might like to talk with

Croix