I can't make friends at uni

[issy93]

Hi, I am a 20 year old girl. I feel awfully depressed about this issue. I really wanted to make friends at uni, I am now in my second semester of first year (but actually my third semester at uni) and I haven't been able to make any friends. There have been people who I've said hi to, what are you studying etc, but after that they forget about me. A lot of people seem to already have close connections and don't bother trying to make friends with me. In one class, I sit on a table with a few girls, they say hi but for the rest of the class they just chat away to each other! And they don't participate in group discussions with me they just keep chatting. I'm literally just sitting there thinking wow, if someone was sitting on my table and didn't have friends, I wouldn't ignore them, I'd try to talk to them!

I haven't been able to make any real close connections with anyone. And not only can't I make new friends, but of the few "friends" I have I don't even have that connection. I'm always the one that's initiating contact with them while they're slipping away.

I actually feel really angry, like just angry that people don't want to be my friend. I go to class with a good attitude, hoping to start anew and make a friend, sit with people, try to talk to people, but by the end of the class I just feel like giving up because nothing has happened. This is just the way it is for me. I've become used to it. But I don't understand why it's happening! 

Sometimes I feel like something must be wrong with me, and then other times I feel like it is other peoples' fault for not giving me a chance. I think I am naturally shy, but shouldn't I be able to find other people who are quiet and can relate to me?

People I know who are nice to me like my boyfriend's mother, say that I am a really pretty girl and other girls must feel intimidated by me. They make me feel a lot better, but also I think, if it's true that I'm that pretty then why is it so hard to make friends? 

I'm starting to feel like a failure. I'm feeling left out.  I don't know what to do.

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[Magyarok]

Hi Issy,

I can empathise with you!  It feels painful to be naturally shy and quiet, to always feel like you are on the periphery of any social group and you feel peer pressure especially as a young person whether it is real or perceived to conform in some sort of way just to fit in and be accepted.

I think that most people mean well and have good intentions but also think that it is generally human nature to be a bit 'clicky' and they seem to somehow form their tight little established social groups and if you are an outsider it is hard to break into these groups so you always feel like an outsider looking in.

But please don't feel the need to compromise your values or change who you are just to make friends and fit into a group.  Always stay true to who you are.

I know at uni there are also various sporting, social or special interest groups or clubs etc that you could become involved in which would align you with people who have similar interests as you.  This could also help you with your confidence and self esteem.

But don't try too hard to make friends.  I think the best thing is to be comfortable and confident with who you are and people over time will naturally be gravitated towards you.

What are you studying?  What are your interests?  I wish you the very best:)

Kind Regards

ignoP 

[AGrace]

Hi Issy,

IgnoP has given a pretty thorough reply, and I have to agree with his points.

I had difficulty making friends at school, mainly because we changed school every time my parents separated...a lot. I started a new school in year 7 (I was 12) and for 2 terms I had no friends. It just seemed that everyone already had their friendship groups formed and no one was looking for an extra. I started to do a couple of things. I watched out for other shy and quiet people, I stopped trying to make friends and started a goal to make one friend. Once I had worked out who else in my class was as shy as me, I approached that one person. We ended up becoming friends and 2 weeks later both of us ended up joining another friendship group together. By year 8 I ended up being one of the popular ones. In agreeance with IgnoP one thing I never did was change who I was, or change what was important to me.

Ok, so I understand even looking for one friend can be difficult. It sounds like you're doing a really good job at trying to strike up conversation. The other thing I'd suggest is to take that one step further. (Kind of like when you know you like your boyfriend and you're figuring out how to get him to kiss you). Ask the people you talk with where they are meeting for lunch? Or what they're doing after uni today? Or is there somewhere on campus that they go to study? The idea here is to set a meeting point for a second interaction. So when they reply, ask if it's ok if you join them there. I'll be interested to hear how this goes for you.

I understand some of the groups you have joined have ignored you, again this is no fault of yours. Actually it's very rude of them. Again try asking questions. People love talking about themselves, so if you ask questions about them this should open up some dialogue.

I think the other thing to concentrate on, is making connections outside of uni. Do you work part time while you're studying? Do you go to any gym classes? Are you a member of any groups or clubs? It might be worthwhile exploring some of your hobbies and finding out what groups are offered around these in your local community. Local community centres are a good place to start. They offer a broad range of groups and courses, most are free, or at least inexpensive. Are you friends with any of your boyfriends, friends, girlfriends? 

I hope we will hear back from you. I know this must be a really difficult time for you.
AGrace

[issy93]

Hi ignoP,

You're absolutely right, it feels that way, to have to be someone else to fit in more. But thank you for saying I don't have to change. That makes me feel a little more confident in myself.

People have suggested to me to join clubs but I always pushed that idea to the side. Maybe I should really do it.

I'm studying nutrition but I'm interested in so many other things, like music, natural beauty remedies, reading, crafts (cross stitching), animals.

[issy93]

Hi AGrace,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes I have some friends outside of uni (childhood friends, work friends) but no one is really close to me apart from my boyfriend. I feel like he is all that I have sometimes. Like he is my only, and best, friend.

Good idea to look outside of uni. Maybe I am getting too worked up over making friends at uni and not thinking of outside opportunities to meet people.

[AGrace]

Hi Issy,

I'll also add to this that often there comes a point in a relationship when you spend more time with your boyfriend and less time with friends or trying to make friends.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, and probably a couple of years after we met, it was pretty much just the two of us. Others may have a different view, but I think this is fairly natural, and also quite healthy for the relationship. Eventually, if you are to stay with your partner long term, you guys will probably have a family together, and if this is the case there will be once again less focus on external relationships and more focus on your partner and child/ren.

I think you also get to an age where having a best friend is of little importance. You more so have a couple of friends and you catch up from time to time.

Is it that you feel like a burden on your boyfriend because you don't have others despite him? Does your boyfriend comment on you not having friends? Or is it simply that you want to have some really close friends?

AGrace

[Magyarok]

Hi Issy,

I'm glad that you have found value in the previous response i sent you.  Uni was also difficult for me because i was quiet and i never really fit in anywhere.  Also at uni there also seemed to be this whole pub, party and drinking culture going on and if you weren't a part of it then you were considered an outcast.  I didn't really like that scene so i guess i was an outcast or at least perceived myself to be that way.

I became reasonably comfortable in my solitude but it always caused me anxiety when we had to break into our own groups for assignments or as pairs for prac work - i would hate that because people would always quickly go into their clicky little groups / pairs and i seemed to be usually the odd one out.

I think it would be a good idea to get involved with a uni club etc as we discussed before to align yourself with people who have similar interests.  Also what i did was to make friends with the international students who are also usually on the outer.  They are usually friendly and it is a great way to make friends from all around the world, learn about their culture and their food:).  I also used to make friends with the mature aged students who seemed to be less judgmental, more accepting and more helpful.

I read from your other post that you are going through a lot of stress, anxiety and that you have emetophobia which is linked to your anxiety.  Uni is really stressful so this is understandable. 

What worked for me is if things got too stressful was to step away and do something else for a while before going back, break things down to more manageable chunks and i know this is difficult - also try to schedule your time and try to avoid doing assignments at the last minute and all night cramming sessions etc.

I read about your interests and what you are studying in your other post - that's really cool!  What area of Health are you interested in?

Take care

ignoP

[tk22]

hey issy,

stress less little grasshopper, im sure you will work something out 🙂 dont let them silly people bring you down because you are beautiful and you deserve happiness! please stay strong and keep your head up, things will get better, you just have to try involving yourself in convocations and make the effort to hang out with people.ask the nice people around you if you can hang out with them, im sure they wont say no. always remember that a lot of people care for you including me, so smile!

AND YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, LOOK HOW FAR YOU HAVE GOTTEN IN LIFE. 

best of luck,

tiffany. x

[Magyarok]

..... i forgot to mention in my above reply - don't be afraid to seek counseling and professional help if the stress and anxiety gets too much for you.  This could provide you with some good support and tools to help you cope.  I wish you the very best:)

ignoP

[issy93]

Hi AGrace,

It's not so much that I feel like a burden to my boyfriend. It's just that I don't want to be dependent on just him. I want to have some more friends of my own and be more independent. And I get really jealous when he makes new friends at uni, because it seems so easy for him but I struggle so hard. He doesn't comment anything bad about it. He just says that I should join clubs.