I am a bad friend.

[Lonely_fish]

I recently had a rude awakening when someone I considered a close friend (dare I even say a sister) called me out for some of my toxic behaviours. For context, I had told this friend, along with a small group of people that I trusted, about various situations that took place in my life over the last two years- and some of the people who were hearing me tell this story were even present during the time that some of these things were happening. According to the friend group, a lot of these stories I was telling were considered "rude" and "more like rumours" even though I had said that these renditions of the stories were what I had either experienced or heard from the people actually involved first-hand. I had tried to apologise- but (according to almost every person I had written an apology to) I had written it so poorly that they assumed I had used ChatGPT to write and didn't actually mean anything, and then when I tried to have a one-on-one discussion with the close friend, they ignored my messages. I then began to notice that they had begun to remove me from some of the platforms and spaces that we were using to communicate. I had then decided that they probably wanted me to leave, so I left the platform. They then made multiple social media posts using screenshots from our chats (which I wrote and told them because I trusted them enough to say it and vice versa) basically painting me as the bad guy. My final straw was when they contacted my parents and basically sent them all the stuff I told them in confidence and tried to make it seem like I was just some evil person. I probably could've made my apology better, but I've never been good with words, and so when I was trying to fix things, I was more taking actions and steps to actually stop the toxic behaviours that they called me out for. I lost a whole friend group from that. But I understand that it was my fault, I'm just really upset that my attempt at trying to save those friendships went terribly.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thats really distressing to read.

When I was a boy whenever my parents had an issue with someone they'd discuss it then "maybe we should write them a letter" comment came. And they'd write a letter and half the time it was shown to other people breaching trust and the other half belittled my parents for taking the effort. Of course I grew up with the "poison pen" technique until a boss pulled me aside and said "Tony, you go about things the wrong way, never write letter because you dont know where they end up and they are often kept on your file. If you have something to say do it face to face only with that person or not at all."

However, as well as that there are groups of people that act like a gang with most of them falling behind the ring leaders. Ring leaders or followers when you are deeply hurt by a group there is only one way to deal with this and thats separation. Time is the best healer and you might bump into one of them in a shopping centre one day and act like nothing happened, even share a drink and a chat. But try not to get back into the issues again. The maximum I'd say is "well I've moved on as breaching trust was a huge issue and now I have friends I can trust so I'm better for it".

Most members here have mental illnesses and these situations often develop due to "foot in mouth moments" or over reactions and other behavioural problems and even if they knew you have those issues they still dont understand how difficult it is for us to blend in and stay within a group. I'm 70yo now and I stay awayfrom car clubs and the like. I enjoy groups on Facebook because I have control if there is a toxic person. I had one guy message me saying "take more medication" and it was reported but the leader dismissed it as "storm in a tea cup"... but it wasnt directed at him, but me. So I mention this at it happens often so you must be prepared that you are taking a chance with some groups.

My wife summed her needs up once. "I only need one really good friend rather than 20 acquaintances" .

So I hope that helps and it isnt easy to accept that you did all the right things only to not be accepted for the effort you put into apologising, written or not. Some people are just "difficult" and not your type. Their loss.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Firstly, I want to say how important the last bit of what Tony said is... that one good friend is better than 20 acquaintances.

Next... losing people you trusted, especially when you were trying to make changes, really sucks! How or why it happens does not really matter. Now in your case, you tried to make things better, but it seems that did not help any. The fact that you have taken responsibility and started working on yourself, takes courage and strength. Be gentle with yourself while you keep moving forward.

A quick story ... different circumstances, but when my son was in highschool he lost a friendship group because of something that was out of his control. What happened next, did not happen over night, but he was able to find a different friend group.

Something my psychologist told me is this... a mistake is an opportunity to learn.

And your post indicates that you have and/or are learning from this, and that is a good thing.

Listening...