How to keep close friends when you have depression

[thehomestretch]

Hi guys

i was hoping someone would be able to give us some advice?  I was diagnosed with depression yesterday and I've been kind of shell shocked by it. I have told my best friend but not all of my family yet.  My friends mean the absolute world to me and I don't want to loose them. I still see them at school and things but I don't want them to treat me differently. 

Sorry if this doesn't quite make sense but any advice around the vague topic would be much appreciated. 

 thankyou 🙂 

[white knight]

Hi thehomestretch, welcome here

It isn't a silly question. In fact it is so relevant. I've lost several friends, close school friends. I'm 59yo so to lose friends of 43 years isn't nice.

Also groups and clubs will be harsh on you if your behaviour is dictated by your illness and some actions/inactions make a difference.  Often mental illness sufferers live a life of extremes. This can mean for example extreme reactions. Be aware of that.

Having depression can be life changing. So its understandable to talk about it when ever possible. However, firstly what can we achieve by talking about it in terms of benefit to our daily lives? Secondly are our friends really happy to listen to us regularly mention something that they themselves can do little about? And thirdly what risk is there? Talking about depression can be a depressive subject to others and soon they will drop away.

Sad it is because this illness we have is part of us like their arms are part of them. You will find one benefit- that your real friends will hang around and the ones you aren't so close to will drop away quickly. Not such a bad thing afterall. And as my wife reminds me "you only need one real friend".

We also need to be "amongst our own" but not too much. Everything is measured for success with MI.

One final tip- your friends that are aware of your depression...if you have a bad day and you are to meet up on an outing and you cannot attend, be honest and direct. eg "sorry mate, am having a terrible day and if I made it I'd be poor company for you and the others. I hope you understand". Now if he/she doesn't accept your account and causes an issue with it then that's their problem.

In fact other people often have huge issues about themselves that are worse socially than your depression is.  (see my recent thread called "They say I'm a nutter-what about them")

But do prepare yourself with those that you confide and they throw it back at you as an insult. Or as in two cases for me in clubs, personal messages like "hey,nutter, go see your doctor and get more medication"... such blatant bullying wont be condemned by the responsible committee. Few people in such responsible roles will back you.

Maybe in 30 years time..

Tony WK

[SeanM92]

Hello,

I don't think you should really be shell shocked, honestly, if you feel that way about being diagnosed then i dont think its that bad of a case 😛 So that should help you feel a little better haha.

Telling people is important But mainly those who you know will support you and not through it in your face. Unless your not to worried about people knowing or if you have a thick skin for insults, then go nuts,

As white knight said its important to talk with other people who suffer as it can help you both to know and see for yourself that your not alone, and by no means are you alone. there are literally millions of people around the world that either have depression or have suffered from it at some point. Most people wont talk about it though to if your feeling up to it then i would say tell your friends and family and whom ever, put out the feelers and someone may come back to you with the same issue. But again be aware that some people will make jokes about it or give you rubbish for it. Being honest is also important.

 All in all don't fear it as that will only make it worse, embrace that it's there and that's your first step to making it leave. I would suggest keeping therapy appointments and deciding who is worth telling and go from there.

Don't panic and remember, You are not Alone.

Take care and thanks for posting friend,

i hope you feel better soon

[Narniakid]

Hi thehomestretch and welcome to the forums!

Good question! I remember thinking the same thing when I was first diagnosed. You can most definitely keep your friends despite having depression.

First of all, be open about it with them - let them know what's happening, how you're feeling, how the depression works, and some of the things that trigger it. Recognise your own triggers, for example, I often have to back out of parties and social events at the last minute as they cause me anxiety attacks; my friends are aware of this issue, accept it, and take it into consideration whenever we're planning something. 

The second thing I would be mindful of is not to make your problems their problems, and not take on their problems as your own. Let me explain - there is a difference between supporting someone and actually taking on their problem. If you find yourself up at night worrying about something going on in their life, you're not supporting them. I encourage you to discuss your depression with them, but be mindful that you're not flooding them with negative thoughts.

Definitely consider seeing a psychologist, and also talk to your school about the counselling and special provisions available to you.

Crystal

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi thehomestretch,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

It's definately not a silly question.  Depression can be really tricky and there can be a lot of stigma behind it so I can understand why you are a bit concerned.  
But at the end of the day, it's just a name for a condition - just like if you were to get diagnosed with Asthma.  It's just a name for something that you go through; it doesn't make you any less of a person.  

Often people find that being diagnosed with depression can be a big relief; because it can help explain things like why they've been so sad all the time or why they've lost interest in things. 

One thing that might help you and your friends is letting them know about what you need to support you; like if maybe you're having a bit of a down-day maybe it's best if you have some space, or be flooded with hugs.  Or if you are away from school maybe your friends could send you a text just to say hi.  Anything that you can say to them to help them help you I think would help a lot 🙂

Sometimes if people get a bit anxious or worried that's okay too.  It just means that they might not understand what you are going through.  Rest assured that there will always be someone who can understand.  It might help to talk to a school counsellor about how to talk to them or to look at the BeyondBlue check in app: https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/help-someone-you-know/thecheckin  

Good luck and hope everything goes well. No matter what happens you're definately not alone 🙂

[Lori]

Hi thehomestretch,

Brilliant question, i suffered from depression for just over a year without even knowing what was wrong, my friends didn't understand the change of my moods and why i was upset all the time, but neither did i. When i was diagnosed with Extremely Severe Depression i was half shocked but sort of seen it coming, i sat down told my friends and they were shocked but were understanding.

You will find some of your friends wont understand they might even be confused, a lot of people don't understand mental illness and how to act around people who suffer from them, but just explain to them let them know how you feel and how it is affecting you.

I want to let you know that just because you are suffering from depression does not mean in anyway that you will loose your friends. Be yourself, and more importantly look after yourself. I hope your friends will be understanding and will hopefully bring them closer. 

Goodluck, and keep smilling 🙂

-Lori

[Doolhof]

Hi The Home Stretch,

I see you have quite a few people here who have connected with you already, so that is excellent.

Having a diagnosis of depression does not mean that your life as you know it now has to stop. You might have to change a few things, do life a little differently, think outside of the box and make the most of each day the best way you can.

Hopefully having a diagnosis will help you to better understand why you may have been feeling the way you have been. (Hope that makes sense!)

I always find it helpful to read up, ask questions and do research when I have a condition I don't understand.

If you have more questions, there are certainly a lot of people here willing to help you out!

All the best to you, from Lauren

[shootingstars1]

Hi thehomestretch,

 I actually went through the same worries as you when I was officially diagnosed with MDD, so I hope I can help. I've always known that I was depressed, and I think my friends knew too. They would try to interact with me during class but I was so upset with myself that I couldn't make eye contact with anyone; even before the doctors told me I was depressed, they kinda knew I was. What surprised me was that they didnt abandon me or neglect me, even though I'm pretty sure they could have more fun with other people. As I got worse I hated the way I was and the way I negatively affected the atmosphere and everything, but friends, as it happens, are amazing people. We weren't amazingly close before, but I never actively tried to push away from them for fear that I would lose them.

I think that the more we fear something will happen, the more it actually happens. And I would urge you not to worry too much about it. Depression does not define you or your life, and hopefully your friends will understand this too. Hope this helped in some way!

[morgs29]

Hi thehomestretch,

Welcome to the forums and thanks so much for sharing this with us. First being diagnosed can be a really impacting time. The worries you have regarding your friends make complete sense! It has taken me a really long time with my own depression & anxiety in learning who are 'true' friends and who aren't.

If you feel comfortable telling those you trust most about what's going on for you, I think that's a great start. Remember, we can only control ourselves and not other people's reactions. You may come across some people who won't be as understanding as you want them to be, and that's okay too. The most important thing I've learnt is those who care the most will make the time to understand and support you.

If can be especially difficult for our peers who don't experience a mental illness to understand what we are going through, so there will be times you probably feel frustrated. Please don't ever beat yourself up though or think you are lesser than any one else because of what you experience. Those who truly love you will keep loving you anyway.

Take care,

Morgan