How do i recover from this? What’s the condition?

H-c · ‎17-01-2021

I have really bad memories from when i was in my previous school which was co-ed and i was hugged and “touched” [it was really close to my private areas but i did not understand cause i was really naive and stupid back then], even though it was obviously visible that i didn’t like it and said no and told them to stop(my classmates, mainly just from one person). Even though i told that person ( N) that i did not like it and kept on pushing him away, but N kept on doing it cause they enjoyed the way i reacted. I was scared to tell others cause 1. N was a year older than me and 2. N was really popular and outgoing, so i figured everyone would listen to him rather than some quiet and sky kid that sits in the back of the class. Now years later even though i no longer see N anymore i cant help but feel disgusted whenever someone esp of the opposite gender when they come close. [three feet is the closest range where i feel comfortable] my body would somehow freeze . This is bad cause I can’t really ask questions to my teachers cause i hate it when they get close (cause they can’t see my working out ) and i keep on stuttering and sometimes it gets hard to breathe. And now I’m scared of the opposite gender and i know that they’re not like N but i can’t help but feeling scared. Also my friends thinks that thinks I’m some kind of “arrogant” person just cause i refuse to hug them. I really don’t Iike it and feel really uncomfortable when any gender gets close and make any kind of skin contact e.g. poking or touching my arm or holing my hand. Any skin to skin contact, i can’t. After any type of skin contact happens, i have this urge to execessively clean that area and after using excessive amounts of anti-bacterial soap. How do i get “better” so that i dont feel disgusted when someone makes contact, accidental or not? Though its been more than 3 years since I’ve seen N how do i tell him that all this has happened to me all because of them? I get mad at myself every time i think about it. I really want to get better so that i no longer feel uncomfortable when someone accidentally run into me, and I really want to hug the people I love comfortably. (To moderators : sorry if this is in the wrong forum i’s really appreciate it if you could move it to the right forum)

H-c · ‎17-01-2021

This is a continuation cause i did not have many space left. First of all sorry for my grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes, i wrote it when i was feeling really overwhelmed. The memories are really hard to forget and as much as i would like to throw it in a bin and burn it, i can’t. Till this day i can remember the feeling of being frozen and unable to tell someone, that feeling of not knowing what to do cause i was really scared. Because of N I never wanted to wear anything that goes above my knees and the day it happened, or the times it happened to be more precise i wasn’t wearing anything that short, I remember wearing long sweatpants cause i had pe that day. I caught up with an old classmate of mine a while ago, i told them about the incident with N and I don’t know why but i wasn’t really taken aback when they defended N. even though i really wanted to scream at them i couldn’t because i felt disgusted and Numb

sunnyl20 · ‎17-01-2021

Hi H-c,

I am so sorry about what happened to you, and the effect it has had on you, your life and your relationships. What happened was wrong, it was horrible and N should never have done what he did. You were not "stupid", and it was not your fault. I am so sorry that you felt that you could not tell anyone and that you thought you would not be believed. It is awful that your classmate defended him, that must have really hurt. I cannot imagine the pain and distress you must experience everyday.

I don't know if it is any consolation, but please know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. What you have described is not uncommon after a traumatic experience where someone has violated your boundaries in such an invasive way. However, there is help available, and I know you may not be able to see it right now, but there is hope. Below I have listed a couple of the support services available, I would really encourage you to have a look at the resources and contact one of the support services if/when you feel up to it:

- Bravehearts (https://bravehearts.org.au/what-we-do/counselling-and-support/) have online resources plus a support line on 1800 272 831 (available 8:30am-4:30pm Monday to Friday)

- Headspace (https://headspace.org.au/eheadspace/) have a phoneline (1800 650 890) and you can also chat online too if you prefer

- Kids Helpline (if you are between age 12-25) is available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 (https://kidshelpline.com.au/)

Another option if you feel comfortable, would be talking to your GP about what has been happening for you. They will likely be able to help you find an appropriate clinician/therapist who can help support you in processing what has happened and help you to heal. You deserve to feel comfortable in yourself, you deserve to feel safe around others, and you deserve the joy and fulfilment that relationships can bring - I really hope that you are able to get to a point where things can feel better.

Please do not hesitate to talk more if and when you feel up to it. We are here to listen and support you. Take care.

H-c · ‎22-01-2021

Hi,

Is it that bad?

Also today i while i was doing work with my friend, i made a mistake so he noticed it, and he tried to help by asking me for a pencil to show the correct way of working out and for a split second, our hands touched but the thing is i dont know why but i visibly flinched, my hands were trembling when i passed my pencil. So when he tried to give it back i just opened my palm so its like contact free. I’m starting to think that I’ll never be able to be myself again, like every single day pieces of me are being chipped away. I’m afraid honestly, that I’m not going to stop flicking whenever someone gets close or there’s any skin contact.. sorry for ranting

sunnyl20 · ‎22-01-2021

Hi H-c,

You don't need to apologise, having a rant can be helpful. From what you have mentioned, it sounds like your memories are having a significant impact on your life, and it sounds like you really want things to change. In answer to your question though, only you know how "bad" it is, only you know how deeply this is affecting your life and sense of self and the true level of fear and distress that it is causing you. No one else can feel that or tell you about it in the way that you experience it yourself. But from what you have described, it does sound like you want things to be different. Have you considered seeing a counsellor or psychologist to talk about what you are experiencing?

Take care.