How do I get my life together after being sheltered and spoiled?

[tastywatermelon]

I'm 20 and I've been reflecting on my life until now. I grew up in a broken home which impacted me emotionally when I was a child. Likely out of misguided intent, my parents spoiled and were more easy on my shortcomings, especially compared to my older brother. As a result, I grew up introverted, obese, emotionally immature, self-loathing, terrible money spending skills, and I never bothered to find work or work experience during high school.

After graduating, I took a so-called gap year, I say so-called because it was because I did nothing but hang out with my friends. The year afterwards, I tried to study IT and web-development at TAFE, but I ended up disliking a lot of the aspects of the coursework, which included a lot of roleplaying and filming. I understand that it's to help with soft skills, but I honestly felt like I was doing less programming and felt like I was doing more sales rep work.

I got tired of TAFE to the point I became a dole bludger and rarely showed up to classes, which I'm still ashamed of today. Of course, I eventually ended up with a $3K debt to Centrelink due to my lack of work and attendance. If I wasn't self-aware now, I'd blame it on TAFE, but I know that my actions are my fault, and I'm grateful that I have the privilege of having a mother who's willing to help me pay it off. But the worst part now is that I've forgotten most of the skills I've learnt during TAFE due to lazing around.

I know dwelling on the past all the time isn't good, but I can't help but feel all of my bad decisions are catching up to me, I tried finding work at McDonald's, but I rarely got any shifts and eventually quit on my second day when I started finally getting them due to the crew trainer getting frustrated that I didn't know everything. Later, I applied to a university for a Diploma of IT which will start in June, but I honestly have no idea what I truly want to do with my life and only chose the diploma because I believe I'll get a decent job and salary.

But the problem is that because of Centrelink, I'm also scared of having a debt just for studying, especially since the diploma will cost $35K and because of that, I've also considered getting into a trade like plumbing as well, but my lack of skills, anxiety and possible health issues in the future if I do a trade long-term always make me reconsider my options.

When it comes to relationships, my relationship with my dad is strained right now, although I care about him a lot, he remarried to a trophy wife who I dislike and had two new kids. Due to my current circumstances, I feel like I'm a terrible son and a disgrace to not only my dad, but my mum as well, who I'm still close to and helps take care of me. Even though I can blame my dad for how I ended up like this, like having to deal with his gambling addiction in my childhood and how he used to be overly harsh on me, I've realised that part of it is also my fault for not putting enough effort.

On the bright side, I've started exercising around this year and have been improving physically. I've originally started at 100kg before going to the gym and now I'm around 87 kg in three months, which really helped me feel more confident with my body and I have no intention of stopping. Moreover, I recently talked to my older brother about everything, and he was very supportive and was willing to give advice, which helped me since I'm usually very emotionally vulnerable when I speak about these topics.

Moreover, I did apply to Kinokuniya to help do stocktake for a day on a casual rate and managed to get the job thanks to referencing my side hustle as a eBay seller during the phone interview. I hope that it'll be a good stepping stone for me to be more likely accepted into jobs once studying or whatever happens in the future comes around.

I know that was a mouthful, but I feel like I have to truly be honest when I need to find help. I want to ask for advice from others as well, how can I fix my life? I may be improving physically, but I can tell I'm not doing anything to improve my life career-wise and mentally, because I don't even know where to start at all, but I don't want to stay being a NEET and continue doomscrolling Twitter, Reddit and YouTube forever.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

It's do refreshing reading such honesty and self reflection. 

A fact we discount a lot nowadays is how toxic some workplaces can be. Bosses that have high expectations means lower patience than they should have. So some attempts at workplaces that didn't work out aren't your fault.

If you were guided better, along with colleagues that acted like a team I think you could be very successful.  Have you considered the Defence forces? Consider these positives-

• Training to get fit
• Adult pay
• Travel allowance
• Career choices galore
• Feeling of achievement 
• Retirement schemes
• Comradeship 
• Free medical and dental

It isn't for everyone however it achieves many goals. I joined the AirForce at 17yo, then that led to working in a jail 3 years later so the experience leads to other opportunities later.

Many people your age are indecisive and swap courses but nowadays it comes at a cost with debt hence , unless 100% certain better to find work in a suitable field until you are sure.

Your mum seems very supportive and your dads prior gambling habit is a reflection perhaps of his lack of life fulfilment however his love for you is there and at times we need to wait until a situation arises where that love is proven before we find out how strong it really is.

I hope you feel better. Reply anytime 

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi tastywatermelon

I've found while hindsight can be a truly brilliant teaching tool (helping shed light), it can also feel like a form of torture at times, for sure. It's important to make sure hindsight doesn't lead you to a depressing form of regret.

I think, when developing some solid form of direction and identity, 'the collector and developer of skills and abilities' can be a constructive way of identifying our self. Taking stock of our skills and abilities can offer a rude awakening at times. 'Oh hell, I have very limited skills and abilities! How the heck did that happen?' is not just a wake up call but a call to action. You have to give yourself some credit for beginning to question in the ways that you are. Personally, I'm a gal who partly drank my way through my 20s. You could call it 'going to sleep', as opposed to waking up or becoming more conscious. Part of the reason involved self medicating my way through depression. When I eventually stopped drinking and woke up, I still had limited skills which included limited social skills, problem solving skills, intuitive skills, skills in emotional understanding etc. As I say, give yourself credit. Becoming conscious isn't easy. Choosing semi consciousness is easy.

As a mum to a 21yo gal and 18yo guy, my 2 kids are very different and I think this is relevant. While I swear my daughter was born with sass and confidence, my son struggled with a lot of stuff. They're both sensitive people but with different natures. In order to make his life easier so that he wouldn't feel too much stress through challenge, I made his life easier. As a consequence of that, I never gave him the opportunity to develop skills through a lot of the challenges that would have served him in the way of self development. This is a perspective I gained through hindsight and with the help of my daughter. This can be one of the reasons for a lack of self development. So now, better late than never, me pushing him and him pushing himself to develop certain skills and abilities. Going to the gym was just one of the first things he did in the way of developing his own path, a skill and ability you both have. Congrats on the path to a healthier self, btw. A legendary effort with the weight loss. You're in the process of reforming yourself.

Your brother sounds like he may be one of your guides in life. I've found guides are a must when I can't see where I need to be heading. Good guides are ones who can see for us, sharing their vision with us regarding some of the goals we need to be setting.

Perhaps the question, on your quest for greater self understanding and self development, could be 'What skills and abilities do I want or need to gain and/or develop right now?'. Do you want to develop a $35,000 skill set or leave that 'til later and simply make bank at this point, providing you with financial opportunities with which to develop through? Do you want to gain and develop skills and abilities in self discipline, greater consciousness, learning to drive (if you haven't already got your licence), being a first aid responder, managing time and focus, generating more energy, bringing the visionary in you to life, new habits etc etc? I've found it becomes about finding resources, including people (like your brother, authors, YouTubers, teachers etc), places (the gym and so on), aspects of self (inner disciplinarian, inner adventurer, the gym goer or health fanatic in us and so on). Hard to get far without good resources.