Help :(

[Emelie]

I have suffered from depression since the age of 12, and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I'm 18 now. I have always had trouble having confidence in myself. There are things that I have wanted to pursue and participate in, but I am constantly in fear of other people. At university, I struggle to even participate generally in class as I begin to shake and redden and my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest. I believe that my lacking confidence and self-esteem stemmed from my mum's treatment of me from early childhood. She was always very verbally hurtful, saying things such as "I've had enough of you for today, I don't want to speak to you anymore or hear about your day" or "Go away" or "You are useless". She was also always very angry. My younger brother has Autism and so I struggled to get the attention that I needed. I felt I was always competing. If he did anything wrong, I was always to blame. I really want to get rid of these negative thoughts about my own self-worth. I was recently feeling a little better, finally acknowledging that I'm not worthless as a person. However, these thoughts have come back and they are as pervasive on my life as ever. My parents finally divorced when I was about 12 years old. My brother was 9. Both of my parents involved us significantly, as if they were trying to win our love and make us hate the other parent. That was very hard for me and my brother. It was a very very messy court process, and my parents were very hostile towards each other. Experiencing this and also experiencing the death of my friend in 2009, and another one of my friends in 2011 has really impacted on me. I also had some very toxic friendships until the end of school when I graduated with hardly any genuine friends. I abandoned them for fear of becoming so depressed that I would seek to end my life. 
Despite the fact that I now have a group of friends, a lovely long-term boyfriend and my family situation is not anywhere near as terrible, I continue to feel empty. It's not that I necessarily want to take the steps to end my own life. It's more of an apathy towards life and death. I wouldn't mind if I was dying. I feel without purpose, lost, stuck. I am not enjoying life. I don't get anything out of my day. I feel so bad. I don't know what to do about these feelings. I want to get better, but I just don't know how. I've seen many professionals, but I feel I can never overcome this. I don't know what to do. 😞 Please help.
-E

[Neil_1]

Dear Emelie

It's Friday evening and I just want to firstly welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for posting your thread.

If I can get back to you a bit later this evening, I will do so, otherwise I promise it'll be Saturday morning.

For the time being, I just wanted to say, I've read your post and I really want to produce a good message / response back to you - just a bit strapped for time at the moment.

Can I just ask though please:  with regard to professionals, are you able to detail, just a little as to:   GP's, psychologists, psychiatrists, any medications that they may have (or had) you on??  It'll just help, not only myself, but the other community members here for how best to advise you.

You've no doubt had it very very tough - but you've got through to where you are now and you should be proud for being where you are.  But it's the issues of all the past that I believe are your major problems at the moment - and that happens to so many of us.  This is the hard part, to come to grips (if we can) with the past, while still trying to live and move forward. 

I'll be back Emelie, and again, thank you for coming here and posting.

Kind regards

Neil

[Emelie]

Thank you for your response, Neil.

In terms of professionals, I have seen many counselors at school and at University. I have also seen several psychologists, including one that was particularly spiritual in her healing. I have also seen a psychiatrist who prescribed me an antidepressant in 2010. However, I experienced a terrifying side effect of increased suicidal ideation and so I stopped taking that medication. 

I went without treatment for a year or so and recently have gone to my GP and have been referred to a psychologist. I have seen the psychologist twice so far.

On a slight side note, I am currently laying in bed feeling terrible (which is, in fact, why I have just checked for any responses to my thread). I just tried to open up to my dad about how I am still depressed and going through a really hard time. He doesn't say anything and then finally I notice that he's fallen asleep. 

So I can't say that's made me feel any better at all. 😞 

[Neil_1]

Dear Emelie

Thank you for coming back and posting again.  I can understand your last sentence quite well - after trying to open up to your Dad.  "Great response" back from him.

It IS pleasing to hear though that you've got a new nice bunch of friends.  Out of those friends, is there just ONE in that group that you feel you get on a bit better with than the others?   What I'm aiming at here, is there one person who you feel you might be able to open up a little too?   Not huge amounts - at the start - just a little to try and gauge whether they could provide some 'one-on-one' support for you?  A listening ear at times or a shoulder to lean on?

After dealing with so many troubles through childhood and then having to lose two of your friends a few years ago, things like these are terribly hard to deal with, let alone, live with.

Is your boyfriend aware of how difficult things are for you? 

I do hope you can post again soon Emelie.

Kind regards

Neil

[Emelie]

Yes it wasn't a great response from him at all. I didn't expect him to say anything, but I at least would have appreciated him listening to me at the very least. 

At the moment the friends that I have at University are new friends and while they are great to be around, I would not be able to open up to any of them. I am simply not close enough to them.

My closest friend lives far away from me and so I haven't seen her in a month. I usually am able to talk to her but at the moment I feel that it would be particularly burdensome to do that as she is also currently feeling very down due to being very unwell the last few months. So that's another main reason I have opened up here.

My boyfriend is aware about my feelings but he never knows what to say and has even said that he just doesn't know how to help me because he just cannot comprehend depression and doesn't really understand how someone can just feel so sad to the core for no real reason. My aunt also justified my dad's falling asleep by saying that it's hard for someone like dad etc. who can't really relate or understand depression. 

It makes it hard.  

I have tried really hard to feel good the last few days and have been relaxing with my pet cat. I have found that her purring has been very therapeutic and relaxing.  

But it has been terribly easy for me to all of a sudden feel rock bottom again and not know how to fix it. I just wait until night time and hope that when I wake up the next day I don't feel so bad. 

[geoff]

dear Emelie, I am just so pleased that great friend Neil has replied to you, and I will certainly miss his presence while he he takes the family for a holiday overseas, but he well and truly deserves the break.

By saying this is by no way avoiding you and your comment, because I would like to continue you talking to us on here, I'm trying to get my point, but I do have apologise for only Neil replying to you after all this time but it's always great to have him on board and responding, now what I would suggest for you to do is to click under 'resources' at the top and order the printed material from BB, it's free, but what it does is to explain so many facts about depression, such as what to do, how to help and the list goes on, I also believe that they send you a DVD on depression, and it's 'worth it's weight in gold'.

Read it yourself first of all then give it to your boyfriend or maybe dad, plus I would like you get in touch with your girlfriend, you never know, she maybe having similar problems and needs someone to talk to, just like you.

There are many people with the same problems as you on this site, and perhaps the reason why no one had replied to you, except Neil, who is also 'worth his weight in gold', sorry Neil, but with so many new posts that do come in, your desperate need to talk to us could be quite easily pushed over to page 2.

But please reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Emelie

You know what, I’m really pleased that you’ve come here to post.  I do hope that you feel the same way – in that, as short a time as it’s been so far, I hope that you’ve found some positiveness for you and your situation?

I’m not overly big on cats myself – but have had them around at different times and you know something incredibly remarkable that they do – apart from when they have their “motor” purring away – is when, say you’re lying on a couch or the bed and they’ll come and climb on you.  Then they’ll sit and with their front paws, they’ll just make them go up and down, sort of walking on the spot.  From what I’ve read, it’s a sign of absolute contentment.  I sometimes wish I could do that.  🙂

I hope that you can continue to seek the right assistance with going to your psychologist.  

And just with regard to your boyfriend, Geoff’s advice was very good to order some info and get it sent to you.

Another thought I had (but this one is entirely up to you of course) is say for your next psych appointment, maybe you could suggest to your boyfriend if he was able to come along – or even to see the GP with you?  Obviously you’d have to be comfortable with doing this – and you’d probably have to let the psych or GP know beforehand. 

I did this with my partner a number of years ago – it was a case of trying to get her more in tune with how I was feeling and to possibly inform her more – with possible methods/mechanisms that she might be able to use to help me out. 

So I just suggest this as a possibility for your boyfriend to potentially learn more about this illness and that he might be able to pick up some pointers for how to help you.

Just a thought.

As I’ve said before, we’ll be always here – so it’d be great to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Emelie]

Thank you for also posting to me, Geoff. 
I did as you said and ordered some materials to be delivered at home. I also downloaded some of the download-only materials, hoping to send on to my Dad. Hopefully it will enlighten him, somewhat. Hopefully I can enlighten my boyfriend as well. 
These terrible feelings are proving very difficult for me. I am so in love with my boyfriend and he has done nothing wrong, but sometimes I just want to push him away along with everyone else and be all by myself, but that's not fair to treat him that way.
I'm starting to feel like he thinks I am just insane because of the way I am always feeling and I hate that. 

I am scared that all the way through life, I am just going to be self-destructive and ruin any good thing that comes my way. And if that's how I am all the time, sometimes I just wonder what the point of life is if I make everything miserable. 

:(

[Emelie]

I have found some positivity in getting responses here and thank you so much Neil for responding to me. It has given me some sort of place to go when I really truly have nobody else. 

Yeah cats are great in that way, and my cat does it to me all the time. I look forward to having her hang around me. 

On another note regarding cats, I was hoping to adopt one a couple of weeks ago for my Dad's place as he had expressed interest to me in getting a cat. After I expressed interest regarding this particular cat at the Pound, Dad then said that he didn't want a cat anymore and he just wasn't into cats. I then had to inform the pound. Now just two days ago, when I looked up the cat to see if it had been adopted by someone else, I found that it has been listed as having been euthanised last Thursday. 
That just got me down so much, thinking how I was so close to being able to help and in the end I couldn't do anything. It has been hard to not blame myself and I have been feeling down all week about it. 
This week is also exam week and I am just struggling to do any study at all for the exams. I sit here all day trying to do just something but all I want to do is eat and just sit around and then I end up frustrated and crying and then I do even less work. I just can't concentrate, I can't remember anything that I learn and I don't know how to improve. I just can't wait for this semester to be over. I am so prepared to just call it quits because I just feel so disappointed in myself. I'd almost rather be a quitter than keep on going and feel so awful about doing poorly. 

On another note, my psychologist has asked me to go to my GP this week to be prescribed an antidepressant which is, in one way, exciting. But I am also scared to try it again. I just hope it helps. I am feeling so down and lonely and I just have no motivation to do anything at all, not even to do things that should be fun or exciting. I just want to enjoy life, but right now it's a real big effort 😞 

Thanks again for responding, Neil. I hope my post made some sort of sense - I really don't know. 

[BeeGee]

Hi Emelie

I can really relate to what you are saying about uni. I'm right in the middle of exams too and I feel like nothing I've (supposedly) learnt this semester has actually stayed in my head. It's a real worry. Just get through these exams - it seems like exam block lasts forever but in reality it will be over really soon.

What you were saying about suicidal ideation when starting antidepressants is not uncommon - it's a known side-effect, particularly of SSRIs in younger people. It's great that your psychologist has asked you to go back to your GP, and I really encourage you to do this; you have the best chance of getting the right help with these two people working together on your problem. Talk to your GP about your experience with the antidepressants last time and he/she will have some ideas about how to tackle that - it might be a different med, or strategies to keep you safe in the early phase, or a short stint in hospital just to get you started in a safe environment might be offered.  These are just some options, there are others - don't feel like it can't possibly work for you.  Geoff and Neil are living proof that with perseverance the meds can be made to work and make a huge difference in your life.

Keep going Emelie.  You are doing really well by sharing here on BB and I'm glad there are so many wonderful people walking with you, even if it is long distance help. Please keep us posted about how you are doing and remember we are here to talk to whenever you want.  If you ever feel like you are at crisis point there are phone numbers at the top of the screen you can call for immediate help.