I don't know heat to do anymore.

Distinction · ‎14-06-2014

Ok, I'm sorry for any spelling and or grammatical issues that happen due to me being young, but here we go.

I'm not quite sure how to start the story, honestly. I thought it would be easier, but anyway. I'm quite young, as standards go, so I'll have less experiences. I guess it started in 5th grade. I had been bullied before that, but it was light and general, but in 5th grade it started feeling more personal, like everyone was out to get me. All my fellow peers and students, it just felt like they all hated me.

I was told that I was a mistake, that I was a failed adoption, childish stuff like that, and then the other typical things, like fat, and ugly, ETC. I just kind of ignored it at first. My life was good, I had been doing competitive karate for 6 years, I had been doing swimming for a while, soccer too. I let it go on for 6 months before I started noticing it was taking a toll on me.

first was the lack of sleep. I don't think 4 hours a night is very good, is it? Then came the eating. Sometimes I over-ate 5 full meals a day, sometimes I would just eat 1 small one, or no, meals a day. Then came the lack of socialising. Then came the weight gain. I'm pretty sure being 120lbs at 10 isn't a good thing.

it just went on, until I left primary school in 2012 and went to a private school. I believed that was the end of it.

In year 7, for the first 6 months of the year, I forgot about everything. I didn't ONCE leave my bedroom for something that wasn't food, water, or school. I didn't ONCE talk to someone that wasn't my brother or parents. I started eating 1 small meal a day on average. I started living off of seriously, 2 hours of sleep, from 3:30AM-5:30AM. Then one day, I just went on with life again, but without the sleeping and eating. I got in touch with my former best friend, whom at dove into depression while I was absent as well. From their I started self harming, not eating, barely sleeping, bullying. The end of 2013.

Then it all stopped. I was 13, I only had one friend, but I was content. I started eating 3 full meals a day. I slept 12 whole hours a night, with the help of medication. Then time skip to 1 month ago. I started hating myself again. I thought about self-harm again. I started to not eat. I started to lose sleep. I started to give up. Then till now, i don't know what to do.

im sorry for this being so long, but I haven't really looked over it, and I didn't know where else to put my story.

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Struggler · ‎15-06-2014

Hi Adam

I am so sorry that you had to go through such horrendous bullying in school. Have you spoken with a school counsellor? Your need urgent help. Please phone Beyond Blue, the contact number is on top of this page. They will organise appropriate help for you immediately. Please ring them, will you? Please let us know how you're getting along.

I too suffered bullying but it is in the adult world and I know how devastating bullying can do to victims. Bullying doesn't stop at school.

Struggler

AGrace · ‎15-06-2014

Hi Adam,

Firstly I just want to say I hear you.

You've taken a very brave step by sharing with us at Beyondblue. The thing about life issues is that they dont discriminate, age, race, gender, background etc. Bullying is unnacceptable behavior at any age but to experience it and the consequences of it at such a young age would certainly take its toll on anyone.

It sounds like you were taking medication at one point to assist with sleep. Was this prescribed by a GP or Psychiatrist? Are you still seeing this person for support?

Its not uncommon for eating to be impacted when we feel sad, anxious or depressed. All of these feelings give us the impression that we're losing our grip on life, so food can be something we tend to feel we can still control. Whether undereating or overeating.

Seeking help from a professional is a helpful step to take, I also wondered though is there anyone else you can speak to to help you arrange this? Your adoptive parents, a school teacher or guidance counsellor? If you feel completely alone then contacting the Beyondblue phone line would be a good step to assisting you in getting the support you need.

I guess my main point here is that you dont need to go through this alone and I can understand what it may feel like to feel helpless because of your age.

Id also invite you to keep us updated with your progress, and continue to reach out via the forums.

Stay brave.

AGrace

Distinction · ‎15-06-2014

Hello AGrace, thanks for the advice.

in answer to your first question, no. I didn't see a GP or a psychiatrist. My friend that I mentioned, apparently had a problem with sleeping, and said something about this specific drug. I read up on it, and got my parents to order a pack. It's was used to cure jet lag and insomnia.

in answer to your 2nd question, yes there is. My friend can just talk me through it most of the time, and it usually helps. But she is on a Holliday for a month, and it's getting unbearable.

I answer to your 3rd point, I'm sorry if my post gave you the impression that I was adopted. I'm not, when I said that, I meant that they said that I was such a bad, ugly baby, that my parents put me up for adoption, but then I was so ugly that I was never adopted and just handed back to my parents... Im sorry again.

and no, I can't talk to my parents, or teachers, or councillor (we don't have one at school) because 1: my parents aren't aware of any of the abuse. They just think I'm a fat child =( 2: I don't trust any of the teachers at school not to tall my parents.

AGrace · ‎16-06-2014

Hi Distinction,

Thank you for responding and clarifying some of your points.

Just wondered if you felt comfortable to contact Beyondblue by phone or even via the webchat? (Details for both of these options are available on the Beyondblue homepage) You can do this anonymously and without needing to tell your parents.

I too had a shitty childhood and felt very alone at school, and couldnt rely on my parents. I only wish that Beyondblue was available for me back then - which is why i feel so passionately about their services.

Its really tough having to reach out for help and as i said before i think its great that you've connected with the online forums. For me, it's comforting to know that there are other people who are going through similar challenges.

AGrace

Distinction · ‎16-06-2014

Hi AGrace, thanks for replying again.

when you say web chat, is that through text? Because I haven't done this stuff before to have the knowledge... What kind of thing do they talk to you about (if you know....)?

AGrace · ‎17-06-2014

If you click on the web chat link on the BB homepage it brings up 3 icons of how you can contact BB, webchat is one of them and below the icon there is a link called 'how it works'. It operates between 3pm & midnight. I personally havent used this method before but I think it would be great for anyone who prefers writing to talking.

Has anyone else used Webchat service before that could provide some more insight?

Distinction · ‎17-06-2014

Thank you, AGrace, that really helped! 😃

Struggler · ‎17-06-2014

Hi Distinction

So glad you get back to us. You see we all worry about you. Please, please, please do the webchat and don't delay it one minute longer.

Take carer and I await you next post.

Struggler

Distinction · ‎18-06-2014

Thanks struggler, I will do the web chat, but I can't do it now, as I have to get ready for school in a couple of minutes.

Are there any other options apart from professional help, to help me through this stage?