Help Me

[maria123]

I really need help, for the last 8 months I’ve been struggling with some disturbing thoughts revolving sexuality. Prior to this I have always been interested in boys but lately these thoughts that my sexuality may be anything else have been constantly in my head And I’m so mentally exhausted and feeling depressed. I know that I want to be in a relationship with a man and marry a man but when these thoughts come I can’t help but believe it they are so strong in my head. Recently I’ve been dating this guy and he is amazing. I thought that this would help make my thoughts go away but instead I’ve been experiencing severe anxiety and crying every day. I’m happy when I’m with him but when I’m alone I’m so upset. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I accepted but it’s only been days and i’m Already breaking down emotionally. I want to be with him I care for him so much but i’m just so scared and I feel like i’m hurting him so much as he has no idea. I have been seeing a counsellor for the last few months but i’m Just so down I just want my old life back and be happy. I really need help

[maria123]

I’m 16 by the way

[MsPurple]

Hi Maria and welcome to the forums

Sexuality can be a confusing thing. Some people just know, however I was not one of them. I was confused. I knew I liked boys, but part of me was attracted to women as well. It was confusing for me. I started dating a boy, and I thought, there is my answer. I am straight. Years went by and we broke up. I then had these thoughts again. I was confused, and my anxiety flared up (my generalised anxiety, not just about sexuality). I decided to talk to someone about it. I was going to headspace at the time. This is a free mental health care service with various locations in Australia (for more info see www.headspace.org.au). He was really good about it and told me not to be afraid of it but to explore it when comfortable. I decided to go on a few dates with women. I now identify as bisexual or likes people not just gender. Sounds like you maybe in a similar boat to what I was in at 16, so thought I'd share. It took me till I was 23 to discover I was just me and I liked both genders. I also know people that had confusion and discovered they only liked one gender. It is ok to not be sure.

There is a thing called a Kinsey scale. This means sexuality is a spectrum. So no one is 100% straight, 100% gay or 50-50. Everyone lies somewhere in the scale. Although you can not choose where you sit in the scale you can choose how to label yourself. E.g. if you are 75% straight, you may label yourself 'straight/heterosexual'. Or if you are 35 gay you may choose to be labelled as 'bisexual'. You can also choose not to have a label. I can just say, hey I like people and their heart I'm just me.

I also am not in the middle. And that is ok. I had to talk about it because I was so unhappy with these thoughts and it made me not comfortable in myself. I had to be ok with myself having attraction to both genders to be happy in myself. I think I'll end up being with a man. I find it comes more naturally for me, however without this journey of self discover and learning to love myself regardless of sexuality, I couldn't be truly happy. I think this is something that maybe you need to discover also. You don't have to take this journey now. I didn't right away. Took me a few years. You can do it in your own time.

I hope my journey as allowed you not to feel alone. I don't think the confusion part of sexuality is explored enough on tv/movies

Try be happy in your relationship now. It doesn't matter if you are happy now with him

[maria123]

Thanks so much for you’re reply. I have no one really to talk to about this and hate the fact my sexuality could be anything other than straight. My anxiety is really based on the fact that I’m scared I’ll have no choice but to be in a gay relationship even if I discover I’m bi sexual. During the time I’ve been experiencing these thoughts, I’ve found that when I feel an attraction with a guy it gives me short term relief but then the panic settles in again. Basically I’m just feeling a lot of pressure and I’m worried I can’t give myself 100% to this guy and I really want to . I would be so sad if this ruined maybe the only good thing in my life. When I think of this relationship though I just break down and cry . I don’t know if that shows I like him or not. Anyways thanks again for your story

[DarkMatters]

You are 16 and have the whole world right in front of you Maria, there is no right or wrong in what you feel, just thoughts, ideas, dreams, desires, expectations, for yourself and your life, I hope you enjoy your journey

[MsPurple]

HI Maria

Thanks for coming back 🙂

Even if bisexual you can still give yourself fully to a person. Just because you are attracted to more than one gender doesn't mean you can give your whole heart to someone. If you are honest with yourself (do you love, yes, then you are being honest with them, if you are being with them out of convenience then you are not. At your age just liking someone is being honest) it is ok. I am more open about my sexuality, however I don't declare it to the room, and not everyone knows. I tell as I see fit. I'm not holding a secret I just think coming out or being honest to myself and others doesn't need to be a big thing. For me I still am figuring it out as I go. I am just me. I love who I love. And that's ok. Not everyone just knows it straight away.

I am fully mognonomous. Just because I am bisexual doesn't mean I want to sleep with everyone, or both at the same time. I just want to be loved by a special someone. Just like everyone else.

Sexuality can be scary. Just know it is normal to have these feelings. Many people like yourself are scared of these feelings, and don't share them with friends. Since being open to myself and some close friends, I realise a lot of people feel the same way. I have a friend who is attracted to women, but not in a romantic way. You can talk to someone about it (like a school counsellor or psychologist) if you feel ready. If not comfortable yes you can just sit on it. Just realise you can be fully with someone even if still discovering yourself. Everyone grows in themselves while in a relationship.