Help, I am too ugly

[bluesloth]

Well I just feel like the ugliest person in the world, and when I see all of these pictures of beautiful people it makes me feel horrible and like I am no good, that they are better than me, *crying* Also this is stupid but I feel stupid to like songs by people because of how beautiful the singers are. I love songs by Phil Collins but when I listen to them I just feel like he would be disgusted that someone so ugly is listening to his songs... I wish I could be as beautiful as other people. I can't stand living because of how ugly I am.

[geoff]

Hello Bluesloth, and a warm welcome to the forums.

There is always someone who loves another person's beauty no matter what, so your good looks do exist, the trouble is we compare ourselves to those people who are on TV, in the magazines and in the movies, what we do forget is that these people are all 'made up' to take part in their appearance and paid a lot of money, but believe differently when they wake up in the morning.

Beauty doesn’t define you as a person because there are so many other aspects to how a person functions, your kindness, your generosity, your thoughts, willing to help others out in awkward situations, definitely your manner and expression of wanting to help your partner/spouse, so you see that's what's beautiful about a person and I'm sure this includes yourself.

By looking attractive doesn't represent a person, they may have an awful personality and that's what determines a person, not their looks.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Jackson85]

Hi bluesloth,

We tend to place a lot of emphasis on appearance in our society, so it's everywhere around us, being forced down our throats, and over time we get convinced into thinking it matters. There are two problems with this: Firstly, we only see the outsides of others, the things they want us to see, the photos from nice angles, with a little blemish touch-up, and we're made to think that someone really looks like that. Really what everyone is doing is trying to disguise who they really are, through contouring, chin-hiding, and beach posts; it's all a game, and they're trying to convince themselves that their winning it. We have to remember that to live that way can be competitive, aggressive, and can often be totally dysfunctional. We have to live in the real world, and remember that all the beautiful photos we see are just snips of reality.

Secondly, in my opinion, attraction is super subjective. If you've ever been drawn to someone physically attractive, then seen them be nasty, or mean, or judgmental, you may have found them suddenly less attractive; even unattractive. I will admit, I've had many short-lived crushes on pretty girls, through high school etc., but my big crushes, the ones where I really wished I could be with someone, weren't sparked by looks, but as I grew to like who they were, they became more and more physically attractive. They would become more attractive to me than the typical "beautiful" person. I would even find others who lookes like them more attractive; my view of beauty had changed because of who that person was underneath.

I'm not saying it's easy, but we need to learn to love who we are, because when we learn to be ok in our own skin, that happiness radiates out, and it's really beautiful, and people are drawn to it.

I think Phil Collins would NEVER think what you said he may think. We are all just focusing on our own flaws. I walk down the street worrying about my gut, or my balding head, or my crinkly t-shirt, and I assume everyone is looking at me, but really, they're all worrying about their gut, and their balding head!

They're not shining a light on us like we think they are, we need to shine our own light on ourselves, but from within.

Hang in there, and feel free to chat some more,

Jackson85

[Summer Rose]

Hi bluesloth

Welcome to bb and thank you for sharing your story.

You've received two really good responses. I really like the reminder that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and there are no doubt people who think you are beautiful (thanks Geoff) and that inner happiness radiates and it's beautiful (thanks Jackson).

I would like to add another thought, physical beauty fades. It never lasts. What truly matters is who you are as a person. Kindness never fades. It's eternally beautiful.

I don't know how old you are but as a woman in my 50s, I can tell you it takes time to grow into yourself and appreciate yourself. Please try not to be so hard on yourself in the meantime.

Kind thoughts to you

[bluesloth]

Thank you, I know that celebrities in pictures always try to take the nicest photos and they have professionals make them beautiful, but then I see candid shots of them without makeup on and without the best lighting and they still look beautiful. I do not think I am a very nice person, as I am always so angry because of how ugly I am, 😞

[bluesloth]

Thank you, I know that looks fade but I can't help but wish I was beautiful like other people... I am 18 and everyone posts beautiful photos of themselves and it makes me feel uglier. It feels like being beautiful is so important. I feel like I would be very happy if I was beautiful and could take beautiful photos of myself like everyone else.

[bluesloth]

Thank you, I hope he wouldn't think that but I feel like people prefer beautiful people over someone ugly like me, and that singers want their fans to be beautiful...

I wish that looks didn't matter so much and that there weren't sites like Instagram where people have collections of beautiful photos of themselves. I wish people valued personalities more than looks, but I don't think they ever will..It seems like everyone wants to look beautiful every second of the day.

[therising]

Hi bluesloth

We're definitely conditioned to pick out the so-called 'flaws' we observe in the mirror. Whether we're assessing the possibility that our eyes sit too close together or we're assessing the importance of eliminating that pimple everyone's going to point out to us, we'll typically focus on what's not 'right' with us, in comparison to others. Unfortunately, we are trained in this terrible 'self-assessment' habit, in a number of ways.

As the world, in general, continues to revolve around mental ability in the way of a school curriculum fixated on stress inducing performance, kids are led into mental health problems. And as mental ability in the work place relates to status and income, on the scale of 'value', this attitude distorts true value. Whilst the multi-billion dollar industry of fad diets focusing on 'the perfect figure' accompanies a variety of plastic surgery options to fix 'imperfections', we lose real appreciation for the body or vehicle we are given, for the purpose of navigating this world. With such factors playing out, our sense of connection to life, to others and most importantly to our self suffers heavily. Some call this sense of connection 'spirit'.

By the way, I agree with Jackson85 wholeheartedly in regard to attraction being subjective. There are a number of 'beautiful' people in this world who actually repulse me in certain ways. They have proven themselves to be mentally toxic and so consumed by ego to the point where spiritual disconnection is obvious. On the other hand, I have found some of those regarded by society as 'unattractive' to be incredibly beautiful in mind, body and spirit.

Experts say that it is our animal nature that sees us attracted to people who are in possession of the 'right' build, facial features etc. This nature ensures we reproduce with a mate who represents our offspring's chances at survivability and success. But now, as humans are evolving, people are becoming more attracted to mental well-being (as opposed to performance), more attracted to physical well-being (as opposed to appearance) and more attracted to over-all spiritual well-being (as opposed to religion). The idea of what or who is attractive is changing.

bluesloth, we are so much more than a body in front of a mirror. We are a combination of mind, body and spirit, yet to discover our full potential on this earth. Whilst our negative thoughts are in conflict with the truth (about our self), we can continue to suffer.

Take care

[Summer Rose]

Hi bluesloth

I just read the post from therising and couldn't agree more with what was written.

You are an unrepeatable miracle. A unique being who is much more than a face and body. That is fact, not opinion.

Your energy, passions, character and personality are far more important than any physical imperfections you believe you have.

For you to be able to look in the mirror and like what you see, is going to require a change in your thinking. It's going to take some effort on your behalf.

I'd like to encourage you to speak with your GP about your worries and thoughts, as some professional counseling may help. There is also a thread called Do you like yourself? On this forum that you should check out. You are not alone with your concerns.

Kind thoughts to you