Having trouble staying positive

[a13xx]

Hi all,

Been a while since i’ve posted here. My psych is on leave right now so this is kind of my last resort for venting lol. I am unsure how to start as always. 

Im 18, had a bit of a rough year. Moved out of home after getting kicked(ish) out, been in a psych unit a few times this year, watched my best mate come really close to death, an old mate passed, my anorexia and old self harm habits came back stronger than before, got diagnosed with bpd, quit a job, lost a job, lost a few friends, managed to score myself a drinking problem.. A few good things have happened, don’t get me wrong. I got my foot in the door of my dream job as an unpaid apprentice, got a pretty good job on the side that pays well. I am currently working 50-60 hours per week depending on the week. Those good things have been pretty recent actually. I just always have a nagging feeling that has never failed to be true that whenever something good happens to me, Something so much worse is coming. Like reverse karma. I kept getting told i should be proud of myself, and people around me expect me to be happy with how i’ve “turned my life around”. And I was, I think. It did feel nice to achieve that. But at the same time I feel myself falling into a hole again. I can’t ever seem to be happy with myself. I have always hated my life, not life itself, doesn’t matter if the life seems “good” or “bad” it’s myself and my brain i’ve never been at peace living with. And I don’t think I ever will. It’s hard to enjoy the rest of everything when it’s you can’t stand the skin suit you’ve been dealt. 

After the Bpd diagnosis that made a lot of sense. I feel lonely in the way that no one understands what I have to put up with everyday. And no one really tries to either. I don’t want sympathy, or whatever..just someone to hear what i’m saying and actually hear it. All of the advice i’m given just doesn’t work for me. “Oh well now you know when you’re feeling down, if you’re in a bad episode just tell yourself it’ll be over soon” No it won’t. Yeah it might go away temporarily but it always lingers and comes back worse than the last time. “Just know you’ll be at peace one day” But I don’t know that do I? No one is very optimistic about the whole borderline thing. I have never lived for myself, it has always been for others and because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I know people care about me, I know there are people that love me, but once that other side of me comes out I don’t understand any of it, why would anyone care? why am i still here? why am i even trying? what is the end goal here? I’m so tired of feeling like the world is ending half the time. It doesn’t feel worth it. It also sucks cause i’m such a people pleaser and as soon as someone sees me like that, I know for a fact they get frustrated not knowing what to do, so I hide it from people as best I can. I present as this happy guy who’s keen to have a few drinks, listen to some music and have a laugh. I never feel happy from it though, if anything I get a bit of satisfaction out of seeing other people smile and i’ll hate myself even more and obsess over some dumb thing i said for weeks. This is a really messy, weird ramble but i needed to let it out to whoever is on here lol. I hope someone relates? 

[quirkywords]

a13xx

welcome back. I am sorry for all the challenges you have been through. I am glad you are reaching out. You have many things to deal with. What would you say the main issue is you want to deal with.?
Your post was not rambling or weird it made sense and was detailed..

for someone coping with all your problems you are trying hard to get help and support. 
You are not  alone people are reading your post and we are listening.

[a13xx]

Hey, thanks heaps for your reply.

I want to deal with trying to have a bit of hope that things do get better for someone like me? I’m just having trouble trying to see any future..Things just keep going wrong for me and it’s gone on for a while..