Haven't been in a relationship for 7 years

[MrMicawber]

Hey,

24 yrs male with depression.
- Semi-popular, introverted in high school with close friends and many acquaintances.
- First girlfriend age 16. Broke up after 6 months together.
- Rejected by twice, one when I was 15, the other at 17.
- After the second one, I stopped pursuing romantic relationships and focussed on studies.
- Lost my virginity in a one night stand at schoolies
- Went to university, studying two different degrees at two different universities (dropped out of the first one after two years).
- I had a couple of close male friends in my first year of university who I met at college (we still keep in touch online). After transferring to my new university, I had no success in meeting new people or establishing friendships.
- I haven't been intimate with anyone since that one night stand when I was 18.
I'm at a point in my life where I can't see any way out of my current situation. I feel like I made an effort to meet people at university: going to gym/yoga classes, working as a tutor, trying to make friends at uni, volunteering. But I just didn't have much success at all.
The fact that I haven't experienced intimacy with anyone for the past 7 years is the primary source of my suffering. Sometimes I can go for months without thinking about it, if I'm distracted enough by work or study. But whenever I'm reminded of it, I just fall into this depressed state that becomes more difficult to overcome each time. One of the biggest triggers for this is whenever I meet a girl that I'm attracted to (which happens every now and then). I'm so ashamed of my inexperience with women. It makes me feel so shit whenever I think about it, just knowing that so many people my age have had the opportunity to enjoy this aspect of their lives. It's something that makes me so insecure around women, which makes it difficult for me to be intimate and open myself up.
Despite my lack of a sex life, I do obtain fulfilment from a lot of other areas in life: music, writing, reading, nature. But as of late, it's been really difficult to enjoy these as I'm so preoccupied with the idea of finding a partner.
It would be interesting to get some thoughts on how I might be able to improve my situation. Or even if there was anyone out there who can relate to it, just so I don't feel so alone. If anyone's been through this and overcome it, how did you do it?


Thanks.

[james1]

Hello MrMicawber,

Welcome to the forums. I'm 25 and I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I've seen many others come to this forum with similar struggles and I know it can be very tough.

Can I recommend a thread to you? We have a poster on this thread below who is struggling with a very similar issue. If you feel comfortable, you can post as I'm sure he'd, like you, appreciate knowing that he's not alone in this.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/i-just-feel-like-i-have-no-chance-

But for you, I am glad to hear you do have other aspects in life where you find fulfilment, but I hear you that they can feel kind of pointless next to this one unfulfilled desire. It sounds like it's something which feels like a big failure and whenever you remember, it sends your mind spinning a bit.

Have you ever considered talking to a counsellor about how you feel when you try to meet a girl? While on good days it doesn't seem to affect your day to day life, it sounds like it's affecting your ability to find romantic relationships. Sometimes counsellors can be useful for these kinds of targetted things to have someone there supporting you while you try. It's hard to put yourself out there when you're feeling both insecure and alone. Feeling insecure, but supported and safe, could help a lot.

Hope to hear from you!
James

[kanga_brumby]

MrMicawber Welcome to beyond blue a safe place to talk on sensitive issues Like yourself I have gone without sex for ages. I wont say how long people in here are aware of how long ago I lost my partner. Lets leave it at that. If you meet some one you would like to have a relationship with. Try not to force the issue. There have been times I have wanted to be with one person They were not interested, right move on thats a negative move on till you get a positive all I can say is keep batting one day you will score runs I am not giving up 15 years and counting

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi MrMicawber, sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. You are more than your sexual experiences or how many girlfriends you've had, I want you to know. It sounds like your life is very fulfilled and interesting in many other ways, and good on you for volunteering and getting involved in extra-curricular activities. One thing a lot of my friends use is online dating - have you ever considered getting involved with that? To be honest, I rarely meet new people in person anymore, I mostly meet people from various apps etc. I would really recommend it. It's not a bad thing that you haven't had sex in that long in fact I know many people who are 22+ who have never been intimate with anyone. It's really, really not that big of a deal and says nothing about you as a person or your character. J.

[MrMicawber]

Hi James,
Thank you for recommending that thread :). I'll check it out.
I've talked about my situation with a few psychologists over the past few years and I'm currently seeing one at the moment. In the past, my psych sessions normally revolved around dealing with social anxiety and learning how to deal with my anxiety/depression symptoms (e.g., mindfulness). However, recently my deeper issues with intimacy were brought to the surface after meeting this girl that I was interested in (about a few months ago). Unfortunately, things didn't go so well as I feel like my neediness ruined my chances there. I definitely agree with having that support. Unfortunately, I don't have many people in my life that I can trust enough to open myself up to. I feel like everyone else has got there own problems to deal with and I wouldn't really want to be a burden on someone else. But I can definitely see how it would help to be supported in times of feeling vulnerable. In fact, I've rang Lifeline at least twice a week for the past few weeks, solely for this purpose. I'm so grateful that such a service exists! Pity you never get to meet those people to tell them how much you appreciate them. I also appreciate your support and thanks for reaching out!

[MrMicawber]

Thanks for your reply Kanga :).

I find it difficult to move on from girls that I'm interested in, when they don't reciprocate that interest. I guess it's because of this belief I have that these opportunities will only happen once every blue moon. But realistically, they could happen more often if I put myself out there a bit more.

[MrMicawber]

Hi Jessica
Thank you for your reply :). It's encouraging to hear that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for my sexual inexperience. While it is something I want to work towards changing, I know that I'll always be fulfilled through my other interests/pursuits in life.
I have tried online dating, however I don't think I'm using it very well. For instance, I haven't put that much effort into the photos or profile bio. Do you have any suggestions/tips of how I could improve my success rate online?

[kanga_brumby]

Have you tried a walking group Some bush walking clubs Have day walks around the cities Along the walking paths close to rivers and creeks in the city. Also out in the bush for one day or the weekend. Sometimes even three day walks Depending on fitness it depends if your a fast walker and can walk a fair distance try a hard walk. If you wont to stop and smell the roses an easy walk the terrain will be the same only the speed changes Most clubs Hire out some of the equipment required Most clubs have women in them

Kanga

[MrMicawber]

I'm finding it really difficult to cope at the moment. The past couple of months have brought up so much pain from the past and I'm starting to get overwhelmed by it all. I'm constantly thinking about past rejections and childhood/adolescent experiences of not being accepted. I just feel so worthless at the moment. I feel like my life has no direction. I'm just so preoccupied with trying to break the cycle by meeting people and forming lasting relationships but I feel like my past experiences make it near impossible to achieve this.

I studied psychology at university and want to eventually continue with my studies to become qualified. However, because I neglected my social life at university, I have this strong obligation to devote all my time to improving the social part of my life now (by trying new things, looking for jobs, deciding whether I should move). And so I've put a halt to my uni studies. But I feel my preoccupation with socialising is taking me away from living a fulfilling life and doing what I enjoy.

I met someone who I have a lot in common with recently, who I love spending time with but she doesn't really make much of an effort to talk to me outside of face-to-face conversations. This makes it hard for me to form any sort of friendship/potential relationship with her as I rarely see her in person (she lives in a nearby town). It sucks because I feel like she's the only one in my life at the moment who I have a deep connection with. I really like her but I don't feel like I have many opportunities to spend quality time with her. And with my history of not being in many relationships, I'm unsure about whether to pursue it or to just stop thinking about it and move on. In a way, I'm afraid to move on as I feel like I've invested so much of myself into it already. I don't know what to do

[Echooo]

- most women are not going to be bothered by a lack of experience, however perhaps ask a friend you feel comfortable with to help you gain some experience, like a friends with benefits kind of thing, you could even go on a dating app like tinder and explicitly tell women you are looking for someone to be intimate with regularly to gain experience, I am sure someone would be more than happy to help.

- Actively looking for love often results in disappointment, love often happens when you least expect it, it sounds like you are looking for a relationship, when this is the case we tend to rush into things, and become emotionally invested real quick which may lead to heartbreak, easier said than done but if possible when you are getting to know someone view it as an experience which is going to equip you with skills in some way and if things don't turn out the way you want them to, it will make you better prepared for when you meet the right person e.g.. becoming more experienced at talking to women,

- When you realise even the people who we believe are perfect get rejected it helps puts things into perspective, we all have different taste and what someone finds to be extremely attractive in a person another may find repulsive, again easier said than done but try not to take the rejections to heart, bit of a weird thought but there are 7 billion people in the world, I am certain there are at least a million out there who would think you are the most attractive person they have ever encountered!

- Personally if I were you, I would move on from this girl because it sounds like you wish for more communication than what she can give you, she may be relationship potential but there are many more out there who would actually be willing to make an effort to communicate with you.

- You could ask a friend to set you up on a blind date, that is how I met my partner, I spent the first 18 years of my life being single, but it was worth the wait and I can promise you, when you are in an amazing relationship - which you eventually will be - you will think the same, that the wait was worth it.