From being a happy young girl to feeling completely overwhelmed.

Kelseyando · ‎24-11-2014

Hey guys!

I am 21 years old and I am struggling so much lately. I'm known as the 'happy/bubbly' person and I don't want anyone knowing how bad I really am. I don't want my mum worrying about me. She has enough to deal with. Everyone does.

Lately I've been having really

bad anxiety. It will last all day. I won't be able to feel okay at all. I can't sit still. I feel numb and sometimes it hurts to breathe.

I hate my job so much. I wake up at 5:30 for work and as soon as I wake up I feel like I'm in pain. I just have this urge to smash something. Not that I ever do. I want to quit because it's making me so unhappy but I have bills to pay and food to pay for so it's not an option.

I am seriously at my last resource.

I have lost the person I used to be and it's scaring me! I have had depression in the past because of my life experiences but this is just getting worse!

I don' t know what to do! I' m scared of what I am capable of doing to myself now.

the things that used to calm me down or make me happy aren't working anymore.

Im so numb to everything.

if one person can help me or give me some sort of advice, I will be so thankful.

I can't thankyou enough for taking the time to read this 😞

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Beltane · ‎24-11-2014

Hello you lovely sweet person. Yes, there are many of us who will take the time to read and respond to your post because even though we don't know you personally, your fellow human being DOES care about you- sometimes all you need to do is just reach out and people will help.

I sincerely hope you have gotten onto BeyondBlue via phone and talked to someone- if you haven't please do so. It sounds like you're going through a really tough time.

Unfortunately you are at an age where many people first start having problems with anxiety- late teens/ early twenties is a common age to be diagnosed. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And you are not a freak, you're not insane, you're not "broken".

Anxiety and depression are both thought to be caused by imbalanced brain chemicals in your head. They are also impacted by lifestyle trauma, and how your brain copes with things.

It SUCKS- theres nothing worse than that first time in your life when you realise that something is wrong- everyone else seems happy and calm, everyone else seems to live a normal life, so you feel very isolated and rejected by everyone because you feel like you're not.

Look around these forums- see how many people struggle with the same issues. Look up the statistics on the BeyondBlue website- i think its 1 in 6 people get a depressive/ anxious illness throughout their lives. But 1 in 6 people aren't cuddled up in bed crying, because they got help and they got treatment and they got better.

You will too, so please try to hold on to that. This is only TEMPORARY- its only for NOW. TODAY sucks, i know, but you CAN and WILL have a good future. You can achieve all your dreams and goals. Your brain is just a bit sick right now, but it can be fixed.

So how to fix it? As I said, calling BeyondBlue is a great place to get advice. Next step is to go to your GP. You're over 18 so your parents never need to know anything unless you decide to tell them. Your doctor will ask you questions about how you feel, what your eating and sleeping is like, how often you feel tired/ worthless/ hopeless etc. Then he will most likely diagnose you with what he thinks is wrong (eg depression). He will refer you to a psychologist- which will be either free or cheap through medicare, up to 10 visits a year. He MAY suggest medication, discuss this with him if you are concerned.

Most of all- lifestyle changes are so great. If you hate your job, why not change it? Get a bit better first, then think about maybe a career change?

Beltane · ‎24-11-2014

Also, I wanted to let you know that I've personally been where you've been. Really, I have been. I was really sick. Anxiety was a HUGE problem- it was so bad even going to the shops would be too hard as id get HUGE panic attacks. My chest and tummy always felt sore or i'd feel sick, i'd either sleep all day or not sleep at all for days. I'd be huddled in a ball crying on the floor for HOURS every single day and i never could explain WHY i was crying. All i knew is that the sadness was so bad it HURT- like it was a very real pain in my chest. It got so bad that the only way out I saw was suicide. I called for help- I rang Lifeline and also a family member I trusted (not my parents as i didnt want them to worry, just like you)

That family member took me to the doctor, I could put on an antidepressant that literally started helping straight away. Please be aware most do take 2-4 weeks to really start working, but I was lucky- it helped me sleep and eat right from the first day, then each day it made the depression a little less painful.

I also got the 10 Medicare visits to the psychologist and she was lovely. Its not bad like some people think it is- it was lovely, she just let me talk about what was going on, and she helped me to understand some stuff i'd been through. Over the 10 sessions (1 session each week) we'd work together on strategies to deal with things in my past that were haunting me, and also strategies to overcome the panic and depressive/ anxious feelings.

I too dreaded (dreaded!!!) going to work. At the time i wasnt in a mind-frame to be changing jobs- my focus was on coping with the anxiety and depression and doing all the therapy and all that. But now i'm in a better place and I'm studying online to do my dream job. Every day I wake up looking forward to doing my study, doing volunteer work in my chosen career path (teaching) and i LOVE it.

Sorry if that story was a bit long and ranting but i just wanted you to know that someone (me) has been where you are and its gotten BETTER. Like 100 times better- better than i ever imagined it could get. And even though there's some hiccups going on right now, i'm still doing just fine- i'm not in a puddle on the floor, i'm coping just fine, and this too will go away and get better.

Stay strong and get help love. I know it feels like it'll never end but it WILL. It'll start getting better almost as soon as you seek help, and each week will be a little better until one day you wake up and realise you're ok

Kelseyando · ‎25-11-2014

I can not thank you enough for taking the time to write to me. It has honestly meant the world.

Its hard hearing from people that don't have what you're going through saying it'll be okay. It's okay. Don't worry.

But actually hearing it from someone that's experienced it sounds a lot more easy to listen too.

Im so glad that you are feeling better. You seem so kind and loving so you deserve all this happiness without a doubt.

I have been to physiologists in the past but have had bad experiences I feel. one lady asked me the same questions every single time I went in there. 'And how does that make you feel' ah, I'm seeking help so obviously makes me feel horrible! Haha. But I felt like she had a lack of empathy towards me.. Could've been me but I then changed to another, who was a man and he just creeped me out. Would always say I could be a model and I should be happy coz guys would be chasing me.

It put me off completely.

I hate admitting that I need help because my life isn't bad now. I'm already married and have been for over 8 months. My husband is the most supportive and understanding person but I'm fighting so many mental battles that nobody can see. My past.

I just feel people will seek me as weak or a freak if I reach out for help.

And you're right, you feel like everyone else is okay and you're falling to pieces and it makes you feel worse.

I look in the mirror and I hate myself and I want to change it. I need too. Not just for myself so I can give my husband the love he deserves.

But again, I can't thankyou enough.

Its scary but I'm going to try and call and get help.

Thankyou a million. I really needed your help. X

Beltane · ‎25-11-2014

thanks for getting back to me, i was hoping you would so i'd know you were ok.

again, i know EXACTLY where you're at. I'm now 27, i got diagnosed and got treatment at 24, but i knew i had anxiety and depression from the age of 16. i just knew that something was wrong, and i did some research, and understood that i was having those symptoms. so why did it take me 8 years to seek help?
because i too thought that it was "weak" and i thought "gee my life is good, why am i so sad, i should just get over it" so i suffered for 8 long years cos i thought it was weak to get help. its not, it takes epic amounts of strength. it does- look at the people who dont get help. they might turn to alcohol, or drugs to make themselves feel better. but you're showing real strength- you're prepared to face your past and your horrible feelings, and you're going to get better. in 6 months time you'll look back at this as a time of strength and growth- not of weakness. you'll feel proud. i promise.

all these feelings you are having of not being good enough, hating yourself, feeling like your hubby deserves better- this is all the depression talking, ok? its not TRUE. these thoughts are LIES and will go away once you get some good treatment.

Your heart can get sick. Your tummy can get sick. So why do people think the brain cant get sick? it can get sick! and it can get better again, with treatment and therapy and maybe medications!

I once met a psychologist with a degree who spent an hour telling me "why dont you just stop panicking? its ruining your life, so just stop". honest to god, that was the whole session- her telling me to just stop. So there are some real idiots out there.

Here's an idea: find your own psychologist. your doctor can write a referral with no name on it, and you can Google psychologists in your own town, and go to their websites. They might have a photo or some information about themselves that might make you feel a bit better about seeing them. (see a psychologist, not a counsellor- they're better qualified). Alternatively your doctor can give you names of a few in the area and you can google them/ ring them.

you dont have to keep seeing a psych you dont like- if after one session you're really not liking them, or you feel they arent giving you good help. no stress, just find another one. I really like my psych, shes very understanding and very celver- everything she says makes so much sense, and i look forward to seeing her.

Evo_West · ‎22-12-2014

Hi Kelseyando and Beltane,

Thank you for sharing your stories. It has been very helpful to me to read and take in.

Reading these posts is so similar to my current position. My anxiety was recently brought on by a change of jobs. I went from a great employer to a horrible one with toxic people, who brought me down and I eventually quit to focus on my health it was so bad. I considered my self fit of mind, healthy and bubbly before this role. However, my mental health has not improved as a result, as no relief came from leaving, just other anxious thoughts of being un-employed, bad partner, un-employable etc. I even managed to pick up a new job without applying and start on Jan 5, but cant get excited, just more anxious.

I have been seeing a psychologist and have recently been prescribed anti-depressants. I spoke up early to my family, partner and now friends and this has helped. Sitting in silence as a 32 year old man was a mistake, as I normally do bottle it in. Having people close to talk to has been healing and having the company around me in the dark times has been even more therapeutic.

Having people there who are not professionally trained just to talk to, distract me and nurture me has been life-saving. I did open up to mum, and if it was not for her cooking me meals, I probably would have not been eating anywhere to the level I should be. It is even bringing my father and I closer together, as we had been distant.

Being open and communicating how you feel can be very important, especially to your partner as it enables them to understand how you are feeling and what you are working through. They can be there for you when a professional cant.

I dont hide from it anymore and have started sharing it with my mates, who again, have been supportive and fantastic.

I have also re-applied to complete my teaching degree to pursue what I want to do and make a difference in other lives. Although this will a lengthy journey, it is one that I know is important to ME. Not anyone else!! I am focusing on ME.

Beltane · ‎23-12-2014

Nice to hear from you Evo West!

we have something in common as I also am on my way to a teaching degree. I left my old career- nursing- behind. I wanted to look after people,which is why I got into nursing, but nursing was too stressful and I saw too many people suffer and die.

I still want to look after, care and teach people and after searching my soul for a good year or two I finally decided it was time to chase my dreams- dreams of being a teacher. I"my starting off with diploma level courses to just get me into the education sector, and then once employed I want to do a bachelor of education in kindergarten or primary.

Halfway through my diploma and I've never been so happy. My anxiety is far lessened, my depression is gone, and I'm much calmer and happier and content on a very deep level. This is my dream job and I'm loving everyday second of the studies, the homework, the assignments, the placements. I'm getting super high grades and am ahead of schedule for my course. very happy 🙂

i think finding the right job/ career is very important. Having good things in life helps prevent and ease depression- having bad things can trigger or worsen episodes of depression. Theres nothing worse than going through a depressive episode and still having to drag yourself out of bed to a job you hate- not nearly so bad to drag yourself out for a job you love