Depression, anxiety, and bulimia

[j_g95]

I don't really even know what to say here, I just need help. I need support from people who feel the same way as me, and who realise how horrible and debilitating living like this is. So many people say "I understand" but they really really don't. And it's frustrating because you want them to understand so they can help you and talk to you but it's embarrassing so I don't even want to speak about it.

 i went to a psychologist about 4 times at the start of the year and each time I just sat there and repeated myself and he didn't even attempt to help me or give me any strategies to help me so I gave up and felt even more helpless than before. I suffer with bulimia on top of my depression and anxiety so I'm not sure which one I should even try and tackle first. I am constantly miserable and on the verge of balling my eyes out, I'm irritable, and I hate my physical appearance so much that sometimes I wish I wasn't here so I didn't have to see myself. 

I feel like I have absolutely no control over my behaviour and how i feel. Any beginner tips would be appreciated, thanks everyone 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi j.g95,

Welcome to Beyondblue. First up, I must apologise for not being able to empathise with your bulimia. It is a condition I am aware of but have no experience in.

I just wanted to write to say that all of us on here are battling our own demons of sorts and here you will find anonymity, support and acceptance. I don't know if that will benefit you but we are here nonetheless.

I do understand depression (P.T.S.D., retired Sydney Police Sergeant) and I dated a woman with severe anxiety and OCD for seven years, so have seen a bit of both.

If you wish to keep posting, myself or someone else will be happy to reply and with any sort of luck another person in your situation might be able to reply.

Kind regards, John.

[j_g95]

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it more than you could know

My anxiety and bulimia are probably more at the forefront than my depression, like I'm constantly miserable but I can sort of suppress it and just live with that but when I get anxious everything just spirals out of control and I feel like I'm going to explode or have a break down. I can sometimes improve a situation with breathing and a bit of mindfulness but that doesn't go far. I saw a new GP a few weeks back because my anxiety got so severe I was having heart pain and problems and he thought I had a heart attack haha. He wanted to put me on meds for anxiety but I said id think about it and come back but I haven't been back yet. Do you think taking medication for it would be a good idea? I've always been against meds for that and especially depression because taking pills for it makes it that much more real and confronting for me. I've also been considering antidepressants but I'm not sure which ones/the side effects etc 

 and as for my bulimia, the psychologist and GP didn't really get it/weren't able to help so I think I need to go to someone who specialises in eating disorders. It's almost worst than depression in the way that it takes over your entire life and absolutely consumes you. I think about nothing else but food and my weight and how I look and it's obsessive. I also have a bit of OCD especially in terms of cleaning and tidying and everything has to be in it's particular position on the right angle otherwise I feel really unsettled. The only helpful thing the psych told me was that I probably like to control my eating and cleaning/tidying because I had a bad childhood regarding my father and physical and mental abuse, and because I had no control over how he acted and how I was treated, I probably try to compensate for that through controlling how I eat/purge to get rid of it and how I clean obsessively. 

Just need some starting points to get myself going 😞

[CrashCoyote]

Hi j.g95,

Thank you for posting again.

It is the case that meds help some people but they aren't for everyone. I don't use them and have never been prescribed any (except for blood pressure) and - as it happens - they work well.

Have you ever heard of The Butterfly Foundation? It is a site that supports people with eating disorders. If you haven't heard of it, why not have a look? Let me know.

Kind regards, John.

[Frann]

Hi j.g95

In relation to the bulimia :-

You might like to try looking up "Gennen Roth" and reading some of her material, she's a  psychologist/author who has had bulimia and now conducts clinics in America for eating disorders. I like her books , very easy to read and relate to- she's great.

There are counsellors here in Aus that use her methods too if need be.  

Hope this helps.

Frann

[j_g95]

Thank you so much, I'll have a look 🙂

[geoff]

dear I.g95, thanks for coming to this site, and welcome on board.

When I was reading your comment and the helpful thoughts of John and Frann there was so much going through my mind that I wanted to stop reading them and begin my reply, but I did finish reading them.

So you suffer from depression, anxiety and bulimia and OCD, that's 4 powerful types combined together under the label of depression.

So which one should you concentrate on first, well this could differ from person to person, and I maybe wrong in what I have to say, but it's one point of view.

We as these 4 are all involved together and it would appear to be a chain reaction, I'd like to try and explain what I am saying.

Well deep down depression is always simmering away with you, but what happens is anxiety develops with the help of OCD and from this you get bulimia, and I know what OCD can do to someone because I've had it for 54 years, and it can be formed by anxiety or it could have been passed down to us from previous generations, but that's not so important here.

I wonder because of this is it that you have to perform bulimia because it's OCD doing this to you, because the definition of bulimia is 'an emotional disorder characterized by a distorted body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight,' and please concentrate on 'obsessive', and please I'm by no way having any criticism towards you, because it still makes me to have to do certain events, so I know what happens, and yes I loathe it so much.

If you click on 'Get Support' at the top of the page there will be a list of doctors who are aligned to BB and there must be a doctor who specialises in eating disorders and could also know about OCD and anxiety, but I would like to hear back from you. Geoff.

[j_g95]

Thank you so much for your helpful reply,

 in the past few months I've been wondering which one causes which and how the cycle goes and which one I should focus on getting treated first. At first I chose the depression because of just how bad it is and it's always with me and is almost paralysing. Last night I had a really bad episode for some reason, like I was getting anxious for no apparent reason which made me really sad and down, and I didn't even know why. And then I got so worked up and anxious that I had to binge and then purge to take my mind away from the sadness and to somewhat release the stress. It's weird and I don't know why it works like that! But recently I've been thinking that the bulimia should probably be treated first because I do it EVERY day sometimes up to 3 times. It's so painful after a few years and I can feel it damaging my organs 😞 but it's just what I do and I can't stop. So I kind of want to get my bulimia treated and I feel like if that gets better I'll slowly be happier, but it probably won't even work that way. 

Its hard to explain but some days (regarding my body and weight) I have good days where I wake up and exercise straight away without eating so I feel like I'm burning more fat and then I'm in a good frame of mind for the rest of the day and I'm quite happy and motivated in regards to my body and food. And I'll pretty much only eat fruit and vegetables for the day and stay under 1000 calories and it makes me really happy when I achieve that for a day. And because I'm happy and feel organised for that day I force myself not to vomit - it's so so so difficult and requires so much willpower but I do it for a day every few weeks. Then the next day something might go wrong and I'll get sad and do it all over again. So then I think that my depression is causing the bulimia and not the other way around. It's very confusing! Hope you understand.