Fitting In

Wanderlust123 · ‎28-12-2020

Hi all,

Something that has been on my mind during my teenage years and early adulthood is the notion that I do not 'fit in'. I like who I am but I am so afraid that other people will not like me that I don't show my true self and struggle to open up. I feel like I am living a completely different life than what I should be living right now, like everybody else has been given a memo on how to live their early 20s but I never received it. I don't like to drink or party, I am not constantly hanging out or talking to my friends nor do I sleep around and I still live at home; however these all seem like such important things to people my age.

With New Years Eve on the horizon, I keep telling myself I am a loser for not having a big group of friends to go out partying with and drinking. Whereas in reality, I'd much rather stay home with my family and watch the fireworks on TV but I am telling myself people will judge me poorly for not going out. It's funny because I don't necessarily know who these people are, however I often feel there is a collective group of people my age judging me for not being anything like them yet I don't know who they are. The few friends I have accept me for who I am, but as a whole I feel like I don't fit in with my peers.

I am wondering if anybody else feels like they do not fit in and hoping somebody else will share their story. Thanks 🙂

Matchy69 · ‎28-12-2020

Hi Wanderlust and welcome to the forums Thankyou for sharing your story.Their are many people like you that don't think they fit in and don't think they belong.I certainly feel that way and have since my school days.One thing I have learnt is that we have are own likes and dislikes and we don't have to be like everyone else and do what other people are doing.It is great that the friends you do have except you for who you are.The thing is for you to except who you are and enjoy life.It really didn't matter what other people think of you.I hope you can share some more.
Take care,
Mark

Guest_342 · ‎28-12-2020

Hi Wanderlust,

I know it might not feel like it, but there are many people, including many your age, who do not have a desire to party, drink, etc. and who have fun in other ways. The way the people you are describing like to spend their new year's eve is not necessarily a bad thing, but it also doesn't have to be the thing that you do on any given weekend or to welcome in the new year.

I also struggled with these feelings in my late teens and through my early to mid-20s. But as I got older I began to feel comfortable with telling people that i didn't like to drink all that often and that I preferred catching up one-on-one or in small groups only. I simply don't feel comfortable attending a big group event - and that's ok 🙂

In my 20s I did feel like I was more popular if a greater number of guys were attracted to me, or I felt that somehow guys would be more willing to spend time with me if I was willing to give them a physical relationship too. While some people (guys or girls) might be looking for that, it's certainly not representative of all people. There will almost certainly be people out there looking for different types of connections - many of which will match what you're looking for.

I personally find it exhausting to keep doing something (like parties) that I don't enjoy or feel comfortable doing.

Maybe, if you feel you'll be left out by not going to these events, could you get in touch with one or two of the group from time to time to arrange small catch-ups eg lunch, brunch, etc? That might even be a nicer way to get to know a few from the group who you feel comfortable with, without the presence of alcohol.

At 36, I'll be having my first non-eventful NYE in 20 years - I'll be sitting at home watching movies with my baby nephew and my cat. My partner is stuck in Sydney this end-of-year due to COVID-19 and I am in my beautiful home in Melbourne. It's not the NYE I imagined, but I'll be in my comfy PJs, with two creatures that I love to the moon and back, 100m from my fave fish n chips shop and 10 steps from bed.

Be yourself, love yourself, be proud of yourself and, in time, you'll attract some special people who share your values and enjoy similar things.

Best wishes, and enjoy the fireworks on TV, if that's what you decide to do xo

GirlWithBigDreams · ‎30-12-2020

Hi Wanderlust,

I completely feel the same way... I recently changed schools and pretty much everyone in my class are a huge friendship group that constantly go out together and ignore me/leave me out of everything and it's really made me question my worth/capabilities of making friends. At the beginning of the year people were throwing parties with older teens, drinking and that really scared me because I didn't know anyone well enough, and then basically I got left out forever for not going to the party, I am completely disconnected. The lockdown made it so much worse because I cannot keep in contact online with them because "I'm not close with them/am not worthy enough" to be and they have seperate group chats. It feels terrible because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me (or question my worth/talent/capabilities) for being left out all the time because I'm supposed to identify with my class/people my age and that class is basically sorta my whole world/life right now, and yet I'm not apart of it. I'm confident and friendly basically anywhere outside of school, whilst when I go to school or see the student's social medias, I feel completely subdued and unwell all the time. I've spoken to my teachers many times but it's still the same, and I am just so exhausted of feeling sad/unworthy everyday at school. They are such a big group of friends, they see (or don't even care to see) that I'm struggling that I'm left out and I make the effort to connect myself with them, but NO ONE cares. Apparently I don't talk too much/appear scary because I'm scared to open up to others because I'm afraid I'll get criticised/judged or seen as annoying, laughed at, and most worse, ignored; I'm serious usually (and when I'm not, I'm almost "too happy" and laugh, people seem to see me as "quirky"/"weird") and everyone talks over me or doesn't bother to listen to what I have to say or let me in on a joke when talking. I really do feel like a loser because everyone has made plans/parties/sleepovers basically throughout the entire holidays and puts it on media everyday, whilst I have kinda no friends after moving schools.. However, I am hopeful that I will meet new people, like you who feel similar and I can be honest with and not force myself to do things I'm not comfortable with in order to "fit in". Hope you're well Wanderlust, you're not the only one going through this 🙂

Wanderlust123 · ‎30-12-2020

Hi Mark and Gelati,

Thank you both for the advice. I realise now there are so many different types of people with varying personalities that it would be impossible to fit in with everybody. You're right in that I need to stay true to myself and over time I will find more people who are similar to me. It's comforting to know I am not alone in feeling this way. While I anticipate myself struggling a bit with this further into the future, I found the past couple of days better.

Thanks 🙂

Matchy69 · ‎30-12-2020

Hi Wanderlust I am glad you have couple of good days.Its just a matter of being true to yourself and being and indvidular and being happy with the person you are.Everyone is unique and different.
Take care,
Mark.

Wanderlust123 · ‎30-12-2020

Hi GirlWithBigDreams,

I appreciate you opening up and sharing your situation; I'm sorry to hear your classmates have been excluding you. I experienced a similar situation in my final years of high school and it can be extremely challenging to go to school knowing you have no friends. I think it was smart (and safe) of you to not go to a party where you didn't know anybody well. It can be so ridiculous how much weight people put on being 'cool', going to parties and forming cliques.

Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you and you will find people who love and accept you. These classmates don't seem worth your time or energy. Have you looked around the classroom to see if there is anybody else who possibly feels this way as you, who also may not be included? It may be worthwhile trying to make friends with people in other classes. Hopefully with the new school year your class will change and students will be moved around.

The holidays can feel like a tough time but I recommend taking some time away from social media and unfollowing these classmates (at least on Facebook they won't be notified of it). Social media can be cruel and people only share their highlight reel. Focus on the people around you and spending time doing things you love.

I really hope things pick up for you in the new year, and in the meantime feel free to reach out to me. All the best 🙂