Hello everybody. My name is Alex, 20 years old and a student.
I've never been one to express my innermost feelingslings to anyone, but I feel as if I don't seek some help at this point in my life, I might just continue down the road I feel I am currently on- which I fear will lead to an ultimately fruitless existence.
I don't really know where to begin.
I don't have any real friends. I have two people who I keep in contact with, but even still, I don't feel like they value me too much. I honestly don't know how I got here. I think I am a nice person, but socialising has always been hard for me for some reason. I am an inherently shy person, bit I think it was the fact that I have been bullied for pretty much half my life at school that has really turned me into the 'person' I am today.
One thing that people always used to call me was "emotionless", granted I have never been the most expressive person, but this just really cut me deep for some reason. I don't know why but it literally ripped my heart out being called that. It continued for so long that I think I just gave up trying to prove to myself that I wasn't what people were calling me, and just sorta died inside.
Once I left secondary school the group of friends I had from there went their seperate ways and moved on, but I don't feel like I have. I don't know if I can, and that is what is really scaring me and making me feel depressed. I still feel like a victim of the bullies I encountered those years ago and can't seem to move on.
I don't speak to people at uni because I don't think they will give a stuff about what I have to say, and I don't feel like I fit in with society at large. I feel like a fly on the wall whenever I walk outside my house. I can be myself at home, but when I step outside I feel like an observer just witnessing people live their lives, while not really living any life of my own. As such I feel disconnected from society, and very, very isolated.
That is why I brought up the bullying, and how people called me "emotionless"- because it ties in with how I'm feeling like an observer, rather than an actual part of society.
I know this probably sounds muddled and may not make much sense, but I really just want to pour my heart out to someone at this point in time. Ive never felt comfortable talking to anybody to how I feel but I would mean the world if there was someone willing to listen for a bit.
Thanks.
