please

[fa_aliyu]

Hello. I am not really sure what i am supposed to say exactly. But i am sad. I have suicidal thoughts like most but i dont want to die so i know i will not do anything drastic. but this doesnt make it easier. i still think about dying. every where i am. i have moments regardless of how happy i am at that point, i suddenly have a brief thought of ending it all at that  moment because then it wont be a sad moment. i know it will. i have sat and thought about this long and hard. but right now i just wanted to voice how i am feeling.i get panic attacks quite easily and they upset and embarrass me that i can not control my emotions well enough. My mother is dead. my baby brother is dead. all i have is my sister. i love her. she is the only thing i live for. i dont have friends, well ones i havent bought anyways because thats what i do. i buy my friends. i have a boyfriend and he is great but he is just a guy and it wont last, he will turn against me. i dont like the rest of my family. they hurt me too much, i do not trust them. I feel like they will be the end of me. i feel trapped. i feel like i will always have to depend on people and they will always use it to put me in my place. i am useless, lazy, selfish, waste of space, sly, idiot, stupid, dumb, evil, disrespectful, disgrace to my mothers memory, tedious, and shady, thats the new word. reading every page from people to help me cope. wish my mother was here to help me. to stop this hurt. i am emailing because i just want someone to tell me am not all those things and more. that i am going to make my mother proud. that i am not a bad person. 

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[geoff]

dear Fa.aliyu, this post has gone through the cracks and it needs to be addressed which I will do later, all I am doing is putting it back on page 1, so that we can reply back to you. Geoff.

[geoff]

dear Fa.aliyu, this is a distressing letter, but the words that you have mentioned in your last sentence is that 'I'm going to make my mother proud of me', means that you have some strength left in your body, and it's something like this that will pull you through this horrible situation that you are facing.

At the moment you have no self-esteem, but a younger sister who you love and she looks up to you for support.

You do say that you buy your friends and that your boyfriend won't last, so I think that this means what I think it means, but I won't comment any more on this until I hear back from you.

I just believe that this is not giving you any confidence, but I would really to hear from you, I know that it has been 2 days since you posted, but I just want to reconnect with you. L Geoff. x

[Rachel1]

Hi fa.aliyu,

It sounds like you are in a place of extreme pain and loneliness. I can't imagine how tough this is for you. But despite all this, there is still a part of you that has dreams and hopes for your future - the part of you that doesn't want to die; the part of you that wants to make your mother proud.

Reading your story, I heard a person who is brave and loving and strong and resilient. A person who has suffered so much trauma and yet, is still here and is reaching out for help. That does not sound like a lazy or useless person.

Sometimes, when we are hurting and feeling suicidal, that is all we can see and we become blind to all our positive qualities and strengths. But they are always there.

I am really concerned about you. You say that you have suicidal thoughts but that you won't do anything drastic. However, when the underlying thoughts are constantly present, it may not take much to escalate your situation to one where you will take decisive actions to suicide.

Returning to the part of you that wants to live and wants things to be different, for the sake of that part, would you be willing to speak to someone who can help you?

I know that now you can't see how things could be better in the future, but for the sake of the part of you that does have a tiny bit of hope, do you think it would be worth seeking help and seeing if your situation can change?

Seeking help is really hard, but you have taken the first step by writing your post.