Feeling like a social outcast at school

[Liam007]

Hi All,

 This is my first post here and I'm fairly new to this forum.

I apologise if this story is long, I need to list everything

My name is Liam and I'm a 17 year old high school student, I'm in Year 12 at the time of writing this post.

I have the problem of not seeing the good in my self, I basically feel like a failure. I was always the quiet kid at school (this was back in 2010) I tried to fix this in 2011 but it didn't go well so in 2012 and 2013 I was in TOTAL FEAR of speaking up or introducing myself to anyone. I used to love creative arts but didn't want to share them out of fear I would be laughed at.

In 2014, I felt I finally started gaining confidence. I was getting good marks from my teachers and felt I was making legit friends but then....

 I was walking out to lunch one day and one of the groups was sitting in one of the classrooms (they were doing rehearsals for something, can't recall) but anyway I actually overheard them and they were basically saying "I was a weirdo" They were lying to me and only pretending to like me.

Since then my confidence and self esteem JUST CRASHED. I ended up saying really cruel things about myself:

"I hate myself", "I could not show up and no one would give a crap!" "I'm a worthless failure"

and just never believing ANYTHING nice, good and kind anyone had to say about me.  I basically started to feel my reports were all just lies and the teachers were just exaggerating their good comments.

 Which now brings me to this forum, I now feel lost and have no idea where to go from here.

Is there anything I can do to ease up on myself? Should I ease up?

Thank you, Liam

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you are able to find some help and support here. It has been a long time since I was 17 as I am now 50 but I do remember the hassles, feelings, emotions and confusion I sometimes felt during those years.

I wish I had reached out for support, help and advice when I was your age, maybe then I would have completed year 12!

As far as I know, teachers don't give good grades and positive comments to students unless they deserve them. So be proud of the marks you are receiving and continue to do your best. I congratulate you on your efforts.

It is easy for me to say not to worry too much about what the students say about you. Maybe there was one person in that group who started off the conversation about you, and because of the peer pressure, the rest of the group might have agreed so they felt like they fitted in. It could have been you they talked about, or anyone else. There could be a situation where you are with that same crowd and they say horrible things about someone else.

Is there a councillor at your school you can talk to, or maybe even one of the teachers? Are there different groups and committees at school? Could you join something you have never really thought of joining before to meet new people.

Try to get back into your creative arts in or out of school. What sort of things did you like doing?

Here is something to consider, after year 12, are you planning to keep in touch with any of your fellow students? If you are intending to go to Uni or work you will meet a lot of other people. Your school life will not matter then. You will be in a different era of your life.

Don't put yourself under too much pressure. Year 12 is hard enough as it is, let alone adding emotional turmoil into the mixture.

Where do you go from here? You go believing in yourself! You try your hardest in your studies. You try to get back into your creative arts and do it for yourself and don't be so fussed about what other people say. Once again, it is easy for me to write that!

Should you ease up on yourself? YES. Stand tall, progress boldly, and be brave enough to walk through the school like you belong there, as you do. Keep your head up high. Say hello to the students who you believe mock you, and make them realise they can not upset you by their words. You are stronger than that.

Let me/us know how you are getting on.

All the best to you, from Mrs. Dools

[white knight]

Hi Liam C,  welocme also to Beyond Blue forums.

Mrs Dools had some very good points there.

A few things come to mind. Firstly- lack of confidence can cloud your mind and where there should be black and white there is all this grey.  I mean, you know right from wrong and you know in your heart that what the group did was to belittle someone, discriminate, cruel talk etc which is wrong. But it effected your self esteem regardless and it damaged you.

I've written a thread here called "the gang mentality" which you might want to read in the Recovery section. I'm very familiar with this feeling and share it with you. I'm 58yo so it doesnt make age a factor.

When going through this initially about 25 years ago my therapist tried to remind me about realism. Fantasy thoughts, exaggerations, presumptions and the like are not realistic thoughts. Every week I'd rock up at his rooms and as I'm explaining events and mind sets for the week he's ask me "are you being realistic". It finally sunk in that I wasnt being realistic so I had to change my mind set.

But I also had an asset that helped me, positive thinking. I had attended a lecture in 1982 by an insurance salesman that motivated me- more than that actually, he changed my life.  That 30 minute talk made me realise that I could do far greater than what I believed. As long as my positivity was also realistic. It's a fine line. you can be so positive that your goals are not achievable. Or you can be less positive and not find your full potential or a satisfactory level.

That might give you an idea of what you can develop in the near future that will stick in your character. once you are a half full person you dont go back. You might have relapses and if mentally ill suffer episodes but that is a separate issue.

Your environment will change in the next few years. You wont be in a school yard place that by and large is full of immaturity and groups that feed on shaming one innocent person. You will be among adults that accept you more and have rules in workplaces where bullying is monitored etc. Various levels of protection.

 Members of groups fool themselves. they arent close friends. They rely on a leader and they are not acting themselves.  I recall in school where a member of a group was totally different and very friendly once alone. 

Be proud, withstand the jibes and put it behind you. Not easy but if you learn how to do that now, at your age, you wont be like me when you get to 58yo and still suffer from intimidation.

[Liam007]

Thank you Mrs.Dools,

To you answer your questions,

I used to love acting and clay sculpting, (I'm actually appearing in my town's local play and the end of the year and that hasn't been too bad). The clay sculpting unfortunately has a bad story to it: I uploaded a photo of one of them on FaceBook to share with some of my friends (at least I thought they were). One of them took it down, drew a penis on it and posted it back to me saying "I made you a present lol".

I have spoken to my school Councillor and she recommend I try something like BeyondBlue, I'm going to enter an online chat with a Councillor this afternoon, mostly because I find myself terrified by verbal discussions about this.

and a few more things...

 After this I have found myself paranoid that every person I speak to hates me and wishes I would just go away.

I'm worried I've upset my parents with some of the comments I have said about myself, I seriously said "I am such a failure, what's the point in even being myself?" directly to one of them.

Another problem/story I responded negatively to:

My brother's friend was trying to give me some motivation, he said he believed I would be popular and get a girlfriend by the end of next year. I felt like I could never see myself with a girlfriend or imagine myself as someone a girl would want to date.

Thanks, Liam C. I appreciate your words and comments Mrs.Dools

[white knight]

Hi Liam,

I wouldnt put a timeframe on getting a girlfriend. Some dont until they are in their mid 20's. 

You are making progress, that's good. But you need some self introduced protection.  I can say through experience that facebook and other social media will eat you up. You think all will be smooth running then out of the blue a "friend" will crush your spirits. Then you might defriend them or even block them only to get other friends off side. I've had two terrible experiences from this and I'm 58yo.

While Facebook might be for the masses that have thick skins, it is not for everyone including those with emotional sensitivity. Consider carefully cancelling your account. This might make you feel more alone and out of the loop of friends but it will automatically place you on the fringe of groups and that is likely, in m experience, the best place to remain ......away from the core, away from their focus and away from the cruelty that will come every now and then. Really think about that Liam.

Well done in your attitude. It,s mature and articulated.  Another thing- motivation.

One of the things I remember over the eyars is Kathy Watts riding gold medal effort in early 1990's. she said...".I had to get to the front, then once I gave 100% of my physical and mental might, I got another 10% extra knowing the opposition wouldnt catch me. Then after 5 minutes I pulled out another 10% and the gold medal was mine."

It meant that we should all bounce back and if you think for one minute that you have given your all.....you can pull out another 10% and that will make you a success, a winner and an achiever in your own mind. Self achievement is the sweetest form of success in life.

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

It is great to hear from you again. I am also pleased that White Knight has been here to give you some advice as well. I can understand your journey to a certain degree, but as males and females think differently, a guys view on things is valuable for you as well.

Congratulations on being part of the town's local play! Just think for a moment, how the other people in the production treat you? I am sure it is with respect and they treat you as an equal.

School years can be the hardest part of your life when you feel like you don't fit in with the crowd. The good thing is, you don't have to! All you need to do is to be you!

I'd like to encourage you to continue with your clay sculpturing, just don't bother to post your sculptures on Facebook, other wise you may end up with more of the same from your friend who obviously thought he was being clever! Don't give up on a passion just because one person has mutilated your art work.

I love getting out my paints and splashing them about on a canvas. Do my creations look wonderful? No, hardly ever. Do I really care? No, because I am enjoying the moment and I am creating something that only I have to be content with. I have given my paintings to family and friends as they are something I have created.

Does the town or a town near you have craft exhibitions? Could you place some of your sculptures in the shows and exhibitions?

Hopefully your parents understand what you are going through right now. Find a time when you can sit down with your parents, or just one at a time and explain a little of what you are going through to them. If that is too hard, maybe you could write them a note.

You are taking wonderful steps to help yourself Liam, I am so proud of you! Hope the "conversation" with the councillor on line worked well for you. We all have different ways of communicating, so if the online chats work for you, then go for those.

I agree with White Knight. Just wait for nature to take its course regarding the girlfriend bit. Looking back on my teenage years, well let's just say I wish I had waited longer for a serious relationship. As a teenager, you feel like your life is just what is happening right now, that 21 seems so far away and you want everything to fall into place straight away. Take your time and try to enjoy the journey. Don't be in a rush to achieve everything by the age of 19!

I'm running out of my word allowance! All the best to you Liam, from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

It is Mrs. Dools here again. I had wanted to write one more thing but ran out of word allowance.

Your brother's friend was trying to encourage you, accept the encouragement and his sense of motivation. It is wonderful he cares enough to say positive things to you.

The reality of life though, is that sometimes stuff goes wrong and we don't always get exactly what we want out of life. Make the most of what you do have and of the opportunities that come your way.

Make dreams and have ideas and plans. If those don't quite work out, be creative, change your dreams and ambitions. Be flexible. Adaptable.

Have girls for friends before you plunge into a serious relationship, and remember no matter who you meet, they will also have their own baggage and also their own ambitions and views of life.

I will stop here or I could keep on for ever! Ha. Ha.

I just want to encourage you to be true to yourself, you sound like a wonderful guy and I am proud of you for wanting to be all you can be.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[Polaris]

Hey Liam!

I'm pretty new to this forum too.

Your story is actually similar to mine when I was in high school a couple years back. I was the 'mute' kid, I loved acting, and the other kids were always getting to me. And I never believed anyone when I was given positive feedback. But negative criticism became the absolute truth to me. 

Like Mrs. Dools and white knight said, high school is incredibly small and once you get out, you're free. Once I got to uni, most people were cool to talk to and open. And that gave me more confidence to talk to people. 

I know it might seem more cliche to say that but whenever you hear those cruel thoughts, work on keeping them in check. Separate yourself from them and think: are these really realistic? What proof do I have that this true? That kid? Is he/she the authority of knowledge?

I'm also starting to realise that popularity and relationships aren't the be all end all. Ok you probably know that! But really, that's just society enforcing its standards on everyone. 

Focus on working on yourself - your thoughts, the acting, on staying strong.

I hoped that kind of helped!

Polaris

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

We haven't heard form you for a couple of days, so I am hoping that means you have had an excellent weekend and you are making progress with your thoughts and feelings about some of your fellow students at school.

Hope you have a great week,

From Mrs. Dools

[Liam007]

Hi Mrs.Dools

I am super grateful that you are messaging me, however I must report the reason I've been offline for the last few days is because I could not access the forum due to internet problem.

My weekend was pretty good, no problems there but

However I still find my anxiety and fear with school is still present, I'm probably going to have to go back to the online chat. I'm hopefully going to start Clay sculpting again..I just need an idea

I have spoken to my parents about this though

I'm going to try my best to work it all though, I'm just trying to think where the start...

Thank you so much, I really do appreciate what you have said so far, I feel welcome on this forum already.   Liam