Feeling like a social outcast at school

[Liam007]

Hi All,

 This is my first post here and I'm fairly new to this forum.

I apologise if this story is long, I need to list everything

My name is Liam and I'm a 17 year old high school student, I'm in Year 12 at the time of writing this post.

I have the problem of not seeing the good in my self, I basically feel like a failure. I was always the quiet kid at school (this was back in 2010) I tried to fix this in 2011 but it didn't go well so in 2012 and 2013 I was in TOTAL FEAR of speaking up or introducing myself to anyone. I used to love creative arts but didn't want to share them out of fear I would be laughed at.

In 2014, I felt I finally started gaining confidence. I was getting good marks from my teachers and felt I was making legit friends but then....

 I was walking out to lunch one day and one of the groups was sitting in one of the classrooms (they were doing rehearsals for something, can't recall) but anyway I actually overheard them and they were basically saying "I was a weirdo" They were lying to me and only pretending to like me.

Since then my confidence and self esteem JUST CRASHED. I ended up saying really cruel things about myself:

"I hate myself", "I could not show up and no one would give a crap!" "I'm a worthless failure"

and just never believing ANYTHING nice, good and kind anyone had to say about me.  I basically started to feel my reports were all just lies and the teachers were just exaggerating their good comments.

 Which now brings me to this forum, I now feel lost and have no idea where to go from here.

Is there anything I can do to ease up on myself? Should I ease up?

Thank you, Liam

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

I hope the guy from Headspace is able to help you. How many more weeks/days of schooling do you have left?

How do you usually spend your holidays? I seem to recall you mentioned previously that you were working casually. Will you work more hours in the holidays?

Could you think of doing some volunteer work, even if it is a couple of hours a week. That might give you a boost to your self esteem.

I will try to locate your post about the Christmas party.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Liam007]

Hi Mrs.Dools

I think there is about four more weeks of school left. There is a presentation assembly, if I do win an award I don't think I will bother going. I can stand assemblies like that. I remember there was one year I got an award. The girl before me got three at once and everyone extended their applause, then I stood up and almost no one applauded. It may sound minor but it was an awful moment. 

I don't really work much in the holidays, I get worried enough over 3 hours a week. I couldn't handled anymore

I've considered doing volunteer work, I'm going to do stage crew on another play coming up soon. Just help move some stuff and build sets. No acting, so no rehearsals to worry about

My thread is called "I think I make my anxiety worse" in the Anxiety section.

[Doolhof]

Hi Liam,

I found your other thread, thanks.

I hope you are able to do some volunteer work over the holidays. I have always enjoyed doing volunteer work. I managed to find employment at two places where I volunteered, so that was very beneficial for me.

I understand the award ceremony thing. It is really awful and awkward when one person receives a lot of cheer and another person doesn't. Unfortunately that is life and how some people react.

Sometimes humans can amaze you. My husband and I went to a sporting event in Adelaide where one rugby team was being smashed my another. By half time, the majority of the spectators were yelling, screaming and shouting out encouragement to the loosing team every time the ball came anywhere near their forward region.

Another time a runner was being lapped in a long event and had to run 1 1/2 laps to complete the event after all the other competitors had finished the race. This guy looked exhausted, but he kept going. The crowd all stood up and cheered him on, willing him to finish the race, which he did.

He received a huge cheer from the crowd, much louder then the guy coming first received.

So don't give up on yourself or on people in general.

Have the courage to move on and try to find the best in yourself and others.

From Mrs. Dools

[Liam007]

Thank you Mrs.Dools

The award I got was an awkward one, it was called a "Deputies Encouragement Award" whilst the girl before got "Outstanding Effort in 3 subjects". This was in 2012 in which I was trying to hide a lot. I got two excellent personal profile cards with my reports and apparently students who get them get an award at presentation night. It could happen all over again. I feel like I'm just going to say I got other commitments and not go...I couldn't do that again.

Speaking of volunteering...

I was offered to help out with some setting up at a school event, it clashed with Drama. The old me would go "But I love Drama, I can't miss it!" the new me went "Sure I'll do it, forget Drama. It sucks". I can't handle the class, I accidentally had my parents phone with me and it rung in my bag. I freaked out because it was not supposed to be with me. I almost cried because I looked like such a fool, everyone was laughing. I wanted to storm out. I approached the teacher afterwards trying to stay relaxed apologizing like crazy. He just chuckled and said it was fine. I still felt stupid

So next week I'll be helping another teacher instead of being at Drama. But I don't even want to be at Drama anyway. It's now my least favourite subject, I loved at the start of this year and was desperate to stand out...now I just don't care about it.

I feel like my teachers dislike me now.

But I want to also write some positives...

I'm now going to be seeing head-space weekly now, but I don't know what to do in-between now and my next session. I'm at a lose.

I'm getting back into drawing though. I've just done some sketches at home to kill time and kick back.

Cheers Liam

[Liam007]

Hi All,

I decided to start the whole thing over, I've made another thread called "I think I make my anxiety worse" it's in the young people. I've decided to continue my conversation with others there

Thanks for being here thought 😉

[Liam007]

I felt like I gave the wrong impression there sorry,

What I meant to say that anyone who sees this or has been following can now follow over there on the other thread. Sorry if I gave a bad impression or sounded rude.

Liam