Feeling like a dissapointment, a letdown, and just all around worthless

[Saucy_Pasta]

Hey everyone.

I just can't motivate myself to do anything anymore. I'm failing at uni, at a course in a subject I loved, because everything just feels too hard and I can't bring myself to get out of bed.

I was diagnosed with depression this June and put on meds. However I just feel like everything's too hard for me. I feel like I'm a dissapointment to my family and friends.

My family wants me to do well, and I love them, but I can't bear talking to them now for fear of hearing "do your best in your course". I can't bear telling them just how far I've sunk.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months now, and we've been best friends before that for about 2 years. She's been my main confidant and my source of relief and happiness, but she's suffering from depression too. She works much harder than I, and I feel like a letdown and a dissapointment to her. She's tried her best to help me, and yet I'm still a sorry sack of sadness.

I really just feel guilty for being alive and yet not living up to everyone's expectations. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like a failure. I used to be able to do tasks presented to me without much problems, but now it's a huge stress just to show up to class.

I can't count the numerous times I've just curled up in my girlfriend's arms repeating "I'm sorry I'm alive." I just wish I could function again as a person so I can support her and make her happy.

I feel tired of everything, guilty about everything, and it's taking it's toll on me. I've seen numerous posts on depression, and I know most have it much worse than I do. I 'm sorry I feel this way, I really do. But I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry for the rant.

[james1]

Hello Saucy Pasta,

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much from guilt and exhaustion and just not being able to do anything. Rants are okay. From the sounds of it, there's even more pent up to say which you haven't said. We all need to let it out somehow so that's very good that you've come here to talk to us. I hope you find it useful.

A lot of the feelings you've described, like being a disappointment and sorry for being alive, are very normal when you're put under so much emotional strain. We can see it's been taking its toll on you.

I really struggled last year as well and ended up taking antidepressants for a while. They can really help to get things back to a manageable level, but they're not a silver bullet.

Do you still regularly talk to the person who diagnosed you? It's really important that you speak to them about trying to come up with a plan to get things back on track - diet, sleep, rest, social time - which, when you get right, can really help to speed along recovery from depression.

Depression is a little bit like being stuck in the ocean. Do nothing, and you'll sink. Struggle blindly and you'll sink faster. But get your floating technique right, then gently kick along, and you'll reach shore again before you realise it.

James