Inability to move on from someone = sacrificing study and other friendships?

[Kkgirl]

apologies this is really long...

So I was in an intimate relationship with a guy who was my best friend for years before that. (Things were a little rocky with me having anxiety issues and him wanting to keep our relationship a secret.) but we were happy overall. At the very end of last year an old friend of ours, who had moved far away, contacts him out of the blue, and bam he leaves me for an "official" public relationship with her, a girl who's much prettier, nicer and he's not at all ashamed for people to know they're together.

Despite that we decided to put our friendship first, and stay best friends while he was in this new relationship...but of course I was hurt about him ending our relationship, treating her much better, and losing interest in our friendship, which caused me to hate myself, be angry with him and complain a lot... and the situation combined with other pressures in my life lead me to spiral into depression, he said he'd be there for me as I sought professional help, but it wasn't long until he'd had enough of me constantly reaching out for his support, and he blocked contact with me completely..

This happened 6 months ago, and I still don't know why he did that. Ignoring advice from my friends and counsellor to move on, every few weeks or so I've tried to contact him in any way I can, to try and rekindle our friendship, or ask why he cut me off, but I never got more than being called a psycho in response.

My persistence has caused even my group of friends to turn against me, and I regret every time I try contacting him, but I do it anyways hoping for a better response each time. Also it's the worst timing since we're finishing yr12

yes, it all happened so long ago but I still refuse to move on from this person. I'm stuck with:

• Being jealous that he and his new girlfriend are living the perfect life while I'm alone
• thinking about how good things should've and could've and should've been with him, and thinking of what I could've done differently to not be in this situation
• just genuinely missing our friendship, after being best friends for so long, I don't want to lose him forever, and I want to find a way to get to talk to to him before we graduate in 2 weeks..

these lead to a chain reaction of different thoughts, every time I try studying or do activities I enjoy, and the only way to distract myself is sleep. I need to turn things around for the HSC but I feel like there no point unless I rebuild that friendship first..any advice?

[Hope_for_the_best]

First of all, you have to accept that the relationship is over, and there is little that you can do. The reason why you are so stuck is you do not accept the truth. I know I sound a bit harsh here, but that is the way to gradually let go and move on. Your ex may have left you because that girl is more beautiful and nicer, but that does not mean you are bad. I am sure you are better than that girl in some other aspects. It is worth thinking about what they are and appreciate yourself of the things that you are good at.

Relationship is a very subjective thing, and there is no right or wrong answer. It is fine to think about what you could have done better so you can learn from the relationship, but please remember, it is not entirely your fault that the relationship ended. Relationship is always two-sided. Your reason for reflecting on the relationship is to help you grow rather than trying to get back to the relationship. Yes, it is a pity that you lost someone you love and a best friend for long, but you still have other good friends out there. You will get to make more new friends in your life. Unfortunately, people often come and go in your life, and that's life.

If that is getting into the way of your studies, I would suggest that you go back to your counsellor (or maybe find another one if you don't find the previous one helpful). Doing well in HSC is very important for your career, and it is not worth sacrificing your studies because of him. You are still young and you have plenty of chances of meeting a better guy than him.

[monkey_magic]

Hey there & welcome to BB,

It's very hard moving forward because you had strong feelings for this guy. I was in a similar situation where I was also blocked and in turn became obsessive. It just made the situation worse and I pushed him away further.

Patience is a virtue. Try & be patient & focus on other things that you enjoy doing.

We can blow these things up & make them bigger than what they really are and I'm sure he doesn't warrant that much credit. In the future u will find someone nicer and better.

It's important you do things for yourself and I wouldn't put this relationship before your studies.

You could still be grieving which is very normal. You may have to accept what is. Ppl find new partners all the time. U prob don't want to hear this or be ready for someone else yet, all takes time.

I think u can do better sweetheart, I really do.

[Kkgirl]

Thank you for your response,

Do you happen to have any strategies that you used to overcome your similar situation? Did you feel a large sense of regret and self blame? I keep waiting for something better to come my way but it never seems to happen... it just makes me more and anxious, and then impatient and impulsive and then i try contacting him trying to speed up the process, but in reality pushing him away and slowing it down. How did you get through your "waiting" period?

lately I've been finding it difficult to distract myself from thoughts surrounding the situation with him, and when i'm super motivated to study, or exercise or do something i normally enjoy, theres always a negative thought or event to pull me right back and make me feel worthless pretty much and then I just sleep; I feel like I have no willpower to push through those thoughts.

Like its even gotten to the point where even my group of friends (who used to be my distraction and safe place) have had enough of me not being able to move on, being negative, and get annoyed when I ask them for help or when I vent. I don't want to lose them as well, and they still include me, but my pessimistic and sometimes volatile (e.g. i got mad at my other best friend for talking to and joking around with the guy - she's also friends with him, or getting mad at my friends for not understanding my situation ) and snappy nature has lead them to low-key dislike me. I always regret it afterwards but I feel like I can't control the negativity.

aghhh i just wish i could just turn back time and take back all the things i stuffed up, and I wish I was just patient and calm back then. Maybe if I did that I wouldn't have completely lost that guy, and by this point in time, after a zero-contact break, we would have been on friendly again. And if that happened, I wouldn't be so negative and ruin relationships with my other friends either. But no, i'm stupid and I keep making the wrong decisions and now it's too late and things just won't be better with any of them 😞

[monkey_magic]

Hi kkgirl,I hope you're going to feel better after this.

During the waiting period I went to the gym & anywhere else out, even if I felt bad. It opens other doors/ other opportunities.

Good news, time heals & life changes in time, it all starts with u though and u could always say sorry to your friends.

Self discipline- this can be practiced & u get better at it.

Negative thoughts;

When we have negative thoughts, we produce toxic responses in our body that make us sick. Make a conscience effort to change your thought patterns today for a healthier u tomorrow.

Thr way to overcome negative thoughts & emotions is to develop opposing,positive emotions that are stronger & more powerful.

How u think of yourself and your self esteem r very important. You could be suffering from low self esteem and need to find ways to combat this.

When negative thoughts bombard your mind say I am strong. I am well able. I have what it takes. I can do this 🙂

[Kkgirl]

It’s been ages but I still miss him. I feel like I will never get over the fact that I lost someone I was so close too, someone who was such a large part of my life. I can’t (and don’t really ever want to) move on and accept that he has. This year has been crazy without him and I will always be angry at myself for not being a part of his life and messing up every opportunity of being close to him this year, even as a friend. And knowing how happy he is with his new girlfriend, living the life we were meant to live, and how his life is so perfect overall, and I’m not even missed...he’s become a stranger.

And it really pains me to know that my other friends will still have contact with him in the future and he will only be memory locked up in a box. I know I’m only young and haven’t lived life yet, but there’s no person, not even my family, I dare say, that has had such a large impact in my life and holds such a big place in my heart. Looking back, he didn’t even treat me that great, but there is something in the friendship and relationship we had, that I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to replace (and quite frankly, don’t want to)

I just needed to get that out to somewhere or something, thats the main thing holding me back right now and stopping me from wanting to do anything, because, what’s the point if it’s not gonna bring him back in my life ? Right ?