feeling like a burden

[virus]

Hello! My story is not as traumatic/hard as any other but i feel like my life is just passing by.

 Since i was a child people treated me different (im half spanish half danish in a spanish school, so teachers and classmates treated me different), they would ignore me. I could say happilly good morning and none would reply, they would make fun of me, but never straight up bullying. Just ignored me most of the time. I had 2 real friends first when i was 13, moved to south of spain at 14, had the best two years of my life because i finally had my group of friends. Also, ironically, the worst years of my life ;my mother and i would fight everyday(even christmas and bdays) 

 I moved with my dad, and came back to my old school because i couldnt manage the stress of the constant fightings. There i made two friends 🙂 After i finished school i went to university. I initially wanted to study mechanical engineering but my grades werent as good so i was placed in another engineering. I had the worst year, i studied very little, had 2 friends i hanged out with once a month, but however a caring boyfriend. I felt stupid, alone and useless, as i knew i was just wasting time on internet. Second year i tried uni again, but failed ,so i stopped halfway and moved to denmark. Now im living in a fraternity and trying to get my danish so i can study mechanical next year. I´ll start uni at 21 or 22 years old. I think i had depression or something similar for two years, i lack friends and im paranoid as to why people dont like me. I try me best to start conversations, being nice and funny  yet its hard as hell. Now i have friends in math, but im scared ill lose them once this is over.

 I want my discipline back. To know how to be social, and not have panick attacks if theres too many people i dont know. I want to be usefull, and be someone people respect and admire. Sometimes i feel like i dont deserve all this i have, i feel sick thinking about all these years ive wasted. I feel anxious thinking my youth is being wasted just because im scared of people, of being myself and because i dont study. I feel like im letting my dad down. Im jelaous of my friends in spain, for they are in their 3 year of uni, have lots of friends and live the youthfull partycrazy life. 

 I thank anyone whos made it up to this point, i feel a bit bad knowing many will think this is nothing compared to other peoples situations.

I bid you farewell. 

virus 

[geoff]

dear Virus, and I wish I didn't have to address you with a user name like this, so how about 'Spain' or something like that, because in no way are you what you call yourself.

Your post deserves just as much respect as any other, as this site addresses all people who have a psychological problem, and this means it caters for people with anxiety all the way through to someone who has just had enough in life, so in between is where you are sitting, definitely with low self esteem.

It's a common thinking that when college, uni or school finishes we will lose contact with any mates/friends that we have made along the way, always saying 'we must catch up over the holidays', but then we make new contacts and tend to not worry about our old friends, because they go in their own direction, as well as making their own friends, so we drift apart.

Actually we mature in ourselves as our life turns around.

My best man at my wedding was a the friend that I was close to in school, but I haven't seen him for 20 years or more, and have no desire to try and find out where he is, because he never came to see me when I was in depression, so our friendship is now non existent.

I know that you want friends, but perhaps you don't have the urge for late night parties, although it seems to be a good idea, but it might not be your thing.

I was never into late night parties, it just wasn't my thing.

At the moment you seem to be trying to think ahead, and when we do this too much, it won't happen, all it does is just confuse you, and this is something that you don't want to happen, because it gets you no where, well yes it does, you end up with depression. Geoff.

[AGrace]

Hi V,

So just to clarify you are now still living in a fraternity in Denmark?

Your story sounds pretty rough, and yes, you definitely have every right to be here on the forums. I hope we can offer you support, and at least a place to share your feelings and troubles.

I agree with Geoff it sounds like you are doing a lot of futuristic thinking, but I'd add to this that you're dwelling on the past a bit too. Ok so what do we have control over? Really just the present, and hopefully our choices for the present will start to shape our future. Mindfulness is a really good technique to use to train the mind to be present and to have more awareness of the right here, right now. There are a number of guided mindfulness practices on youtube and a lot of mindfulness apps available too if you want to try this strategy.

I think it's probably time for you to let go of your school years now. You've become an adult and all the seemingly big issues we face in our teens can now be put behind you. You can't go back and change any of them anyway. So they really don't deserve your attention. Kids in school are always out to better themselves, and quite often this is done by belittling others. I am sorry though that you had to bear the brunt of their immaturity.

Ok so you've had a couple of failed attempts at uni, but the most important thing is that you've picked yourself back up again and kept trying. Resilience is a very important quality to have. How are you going with your studies now? Have you tried reaching out to a student advisor or counsellor? If you feel like you're slipping behind it's always best to put your hand up, don't be embarrassed to do so.

It would be good for you to have a look at goal setting. It sounds like you have your heart set on mechanical engineering, what do you want to ultimately do with your degree once you've finished? This would become your main goal. The next step would be to map out some smaller goals in order to help get you there. Google SMART goals if you want some help with this.

In terms of friends, Geoff is right, you probably won't have your current friends for life. It sounds like you've been making friends at uni. Have you thought about some other platforms for where you could meet people and develop friendships? Perhaps getting involved in a sporting club, joining a group based on your interests (art, reading, writing, languages, dancing etc)?

I hope some of this is helpful, we do want to hear back from you.

AGrace