feeling kinda hopeless rn

[blue_whale]

hi

recently ive felt that my mental health has kinda taken the wrong turn.  this started when i was around 13... and now im 16, its been cumulating over the past few years and i thought that i could ignore it but its gotten to a point where i can't anymore.

i've recently had so many deaths in the family, this year i had 2 back to back ones which has made me dread my own future now that death is so close to me now. and my family life has kind of crumbled apart, the discussion of divorce keeps seeping into every conversation, my parents have talked about it too, which just kind of puts more salt into the wound... and i feel like my cousins don't really like me... we just don't click i guess, because they have their own separate gc w e/o and have no problem talking to eachother... and i'm just kind of awkwardly sitting on the edge listening.

its not just my family too, my relationships with my friends also have taken a wrong turn. i found out long ago that my friends from primary school have decided to hang out with eachother... excluding me... which felt like such a stab to the back considering i had a falling out w one of them which makes me think i'm the problem??? idk it makes me sad knowing they probably talk smack behind my back. i've come to terms with it now but it doesn't stop hurting.

and i've now kind of dreaded hanging out with all of my friends, i feel bad that im clinging onto one of them when i should be talking w/ the others, but honestly theres been so many problems, dramas that i can't see some of them normally anymore.

i'm also not the most attractive person ever, im 150cm with a chronic baby face which makes me look like a child compared to the people around me, one time my friend commented that her auntie thought i was in kindergarten, while laughing, which made me feel like digging myself a hole. 

i've turned to my studies as a way to distance myself from these issues, but my academic life is also a source of stress, it always is. i tell myself constantly that i don't have to be perfect, but i keep spewing out near-to-perfect scores which places alot of weight and anxiety on my shoulders. i don't mean to be a perfect student, i never was, and i feel like more and more people are getting annoyed when i keep telling them... its true... 

al of this has kind of ruined my motivation... i find myself forgetting to clean the house sometimes which causes my mum to do it for me and complain how i lie about cleaning it... i do sometimes, i just don't deep clean it like how she expects me to...

idk, im just floating around between feelings of hopelessness and loneliness and its taken a turn for the worse.

sorry if this is long, i've never really processed any of these feelings before and this felt like the only way for now. 🙂

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi blue whale,

Thanks so much for your honest post. It takes a lot to process heavy emotions and post about them. I hope you are proud of yourself for taking the step in reaching out.

I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Have you tried talking to your school psychologist? Since it’s school holidays now, perhaps you could reach out to a helpline for some one-on-one guidance? A death in the family is always difficult to go through. I can understand why you feel lonely and sad. Have you opened up about your feelings to anyone else? 

Try not to beat yourself up too much, you’re only human and can take so much. Be kind to yourself today. These things you have mentioned are out of your control. Try to focus on the things you can control like your actions and thoughts. 

Unfortunately friendships in our teen years can be unstable. I’m sorry you feel excluded. It sounds like these people weren’t genuine friends if they are going behind your back. If it’s any comfort, you don’t need that sort of negativity in your life. Trust me, you will meet many more people in the future (work, TAFE/uni) who will hopefully be loyal friends. As for the friends you do have in your life, make the most of the time at school you have with them. I hope they are loyal friends. Stay away from any drama if you can avoid it, it’s not worth it.

I have had countless people tell me I look way younger than I am. I know it’s hard feeling insecure about your appearance, I’ve been there too. But now, I try to look at it as a compliment. Who knows, maybe when I’m 50, I’ll look 40 instead!

As for your studies, it can definitely be a great thing to focus on, however, you also need to be taking time for yourself. As someone who was studying 24/7 in year 11 and 12, I was scared I was going to burnout and you really don’t want to get there. My advice would be to take every test/exam one at a time and tell yourself “I am doing my best and that’s enough”. Be proud of your accomplishments and try not to dwell on the idea that you need to be perfect. No one is. 

I hope you receive the support you need today. Thanks again for reaching out and I hope things get a little easier for you. Sending love your way   ❤️

[Guest_89432969]

yeah I feel this deeply. I’m so sorry about you feeling left out, but to me to seem like a genuine person and in time, you will meet people who will love and appreciate every part of you. I think you should give yourself some grace and it’s good that ur beginning to process and talk about these feelings, sending lots of love