16, 175cm and 100-110kg

[ConnorIsFunni]

Hello, My name is Connor. I’m 16 and I play basketball. I’m pretty gifted athletically (I think so anyway) as I am pretty fast for a fat guy (24km/h), but it’s not enough. I was separated from my mum due to physical abuse when I was 12 and ever since then I’ve stayed with my nana. I was also fat since I was born, so yeah, that’s nice. In the recent years, I’ve been told I’ve become bitter, everytime I’ve tried to connect with my mum, it always ends terribly, as of writing this, just a few hours ago, I got into a physical altercation with her. I am now safe, but not mentally. My mum had called me fat and a loser all my life, ever since I was 10 ‘when I should be properly be able to take care of myself’ she always made fun of the fact I couldn’t run halfway don’t the street when I tried to run away one day. I constantly compare myself to other people at school, a lot of the boys I talk to are close to/are dunking, and basketball is everything to me, it’s how I made friends, how people respect me and I can’t get near dunking, because I’m fat. I’ve tried working out, I was 5 months consistent with just sheer forcing myself, but I can’t do it anymore. I had a knee injury and it got too hot (I live in South Australia) and I can’t even get out of my bed sometimes. People keep making me the punchline of their jokes, like the usual ‘pretend there is a earthquake when he is running’ then comparing me to popular fat people and fat fictional characters. I also have been rejected by girls for being fat, people talk down on me for my weight and height. It’s exhausting, I feel angry 24/7, I tried boxing, but my body couldn’t handle the output of my exertion because I was heavy, I try too hard when playing sports leading to injuries because of how heavy I am. I wear baggy shirts and pants 24/7, not matter the weather. My dad is nonexistent, he lives away from me in Northern Territory, and my nana just says ‘I used to be like this etc.’ when I ask for help.

[ConnorIsFunni]

I’ve also want to apologise for any typo’s or misplaced words, I was speed typing on my iPad, and still are. I also want to add a couple of things I skimmed over. Sorry for the mess, this is my first time reaching out for help.

I have three siblings, one of them is a 6 year old sister and the other is a 14 year old brother. My mum had me since she was 17, I was a mistake and she made it very clear that I was a party trick. We went through DV from 2018-2020. My mum is a notorious street fighter in my town, she gets into a lot of drama with junkies and such. I have tried therapy, but I didn’t talk at all during the first session, so I quit. My 6 year old sister has ODD, she constantly is violent, and I hate her, she calls me fat and ugly all the time. I also have been struggling with what people told me is ‘Misanthropy’ I constantly have a strong hatred towards everyone around me, including my own ‘friends’

[AnxietyIsDreadful]

Hi mate - When I was your age I was basically the same stats as you and was also playing basketball. I really liked the sport and still do. Just before my 16th birthday one of the teachers at one school asked me to come down and have a look at a rugby union game on the weekend when the school 1st team were playing. 2 years later I was playing for Australian Schools rugby against NZ and later on playing overseas etc. I think you said you're in SA, if so have a look at the SA rugby website and check out a club - somewhere with a good U18 team (https://sa.rugby/). You'll find a home in rugby and somewhere where your size and ability is sought after. Rugby has a way of getting rid of bad people somehow, they just don't seem to last at clubs - you'll find a lot of good mates world wide eventually. You can also play both basketball and rugby union. 

Good luck with the rest of it. I found rugby gave me a way out of what was happening in life and allowed me to gain clarity. Good luck mate.   

[Picture]

Hi Connor - sorry to hear all you are going through with your family. It sounds very hard. 
It may be useful to talk to Kids Helpline or a school psychologist. 

It sounds like your self esteem is low and this is at least partly connected with your weight. Being healthy by doing weights, team sports you enjoy and eating healthily (eg. Protein, Vegetables; unprocessed food as much as possible) may help you feel better.

If your knee is causing problems it may be useful to get this investigated by the gp to see if this can be fixed or at least support given (eg knee support). You could also talk to your gp about whether any medications are right for you.

I have seen an exercise psychologist and this has really helped me - focus is on weights. For me, doing weight training in classes has made me feel better about myself and has also given me motivation to eat healthier. 

While I understand you would like to lose weight, being more active, walking etc is likely to help you feel better regardless of whether you lose weight. 

Wishing you all the best.

[therising]

Hi Conner

People are strange, hey. You seriously gotta wonder about some of them. Whenever people are making fun, it's definitely not fun when we can feel their fun as being mentally disturbing or upsetting. It's not fun when such 'jokes' are angering, stressful or depressing. As I've said to my 20yo son in the past, who faced bullying from prep 'til about year 9, 'A sensitive person can sense who's depressing, who's stressful, who lacks social skills and more'. They can also sense who's inspiring, who offers constructive guidance and visions and who they can feel offering the best way forward. While my son went through some hell at school, he eventually developed the ability to 'read' people, based on what he senses about them. So, while there's a down side to being sensitive or being able to sense, there's also an up side too. I've found there are typically 3 types of people; people who you can feel bringing you down, people who you can feel raising you and people who you can feel making no difference at all. I suppose there's also 'roller coaster' people who can lead us to feel up and down on a regular basis. 

As a gal who's on the larger side, I tend to look at weight as a side effect. The question becomes 'What's it a side effect of?'. For myself, it's a side effect of emotional eating, which can reflect where my head space is at. For some people it will be a side effect of gland or hormonal issues. For others it could be a side effect of poor nutrition, leading the body to not be able to function in a high energy and optimal way. There can be a whole stack of reasons for carrying the weight we'd like to lose. The reasons for losing the weight vary also. We have to find the reason that works for us, as individuals. For example, the reason I need to lose weight relates to my knees. Once I get to exactly 93kgs, I feel the weight mess with my knees. Under 93, I only occasionally feel the knee issues. If I'm under 90, no probs. If my knees could talk😅 they'd be screaming at times 'We just can't handle the weight anymore. We're no longer going to support you in the ways you need us to'. A simple calculation and it makes sense: If I weigh 93 kilos and then subtract 10 kilos (somewhere around the weight of both my legs below my knees) then my knees are technically supporting/carrying 83 kilos on top of them. No wonder I can feel their stress at times. 

I'm wondering whether what could work with your Nan could involve saying to her something along the lines of 'Nan, this is how much I weigh.... My knees are supporting this much weight above them. I need you to set me up with a dietician or some kind of guide along those lines so that I can start to focus on dunking in the sport I love, while not having the weight slam down on my knees when I land'. When I need people to step up occasionally, I find that triggering their imagination tends to get them to relate to what I need. If you know what your Nan's like, I'm wondering what it is you could lead her to imagine that would have her actively step up and support you.

Conner, I know it's easier said than done but try and get a sense of who your guides are. From what you say, definitely not your mum unless you want to feel/sense yourself heading in the wrong direction. Whether they're people in your life or they're people who you've simply heard of, try and also gain a sense of who's inspiring or who gets you to think differently.